Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

feeling a tad bit better today.

I realize there are far worse things that I have experienced than some extra weight around my middle. Besides, I'll be 50 this year. Gone is any expectation that I look like a fit younger person. And, after all, the man in my life sees more important qualities in me than my dress size.

I'm feeling rather miserable. I have no motivation to do anything, and I haven't. I just don't see any point in keeping going right now.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

I have some kind of mood disorder....I am very angry about my country....I am very angry about mental health care....probably I am considered an unhappy lost person...but I don't think so really...

I cannot stop thinking about a moral dilemma I have. My dilemma is about taking care of my brother or leaving him alone. He lives upstairs and he behaves like a bully often. He does not have a job and he does not contribute to our family house property taxes or any of the bills (electricity, etc). He hates our nephews and nieces and they cannot come to visit me or help me because he is aggressive towards them. He has paranoia and blame other people without logic. He has lost the majority of his friends. He does not want to sell the house where we live and get his share so I can live by myself because he is afraid of not being able to afford his own bills. While my mom was alive she economically supported him. Now, I don't feed him but I pay all the bills of the house. It is very difficult to live with him although he is upstairs. Sometime he is full of hate. I have more information to share but I think this is enough to illustrate.
I know that sooner than later I will be able to sell the house and get my share and buy a smaller one and live on my own. In the meantime, his proximity is a big problem to me. I suffer. My stomach hurts when he is around.
Many people say he is bad and has no solution.
But I know he has a mental health condition. He has done drugs, as well. He has never received appropriate treatment. He does not want to.
As he has been always a person with behavioral problems. Since he was born he has shown he is not OK (although he went to school and has a degree).
I have a severe disability and a chronic illness.
Despite all my limitations and that he does not behave well I have the moral dilemma of if I should take care of him or not.
How to do it it is another issue. I mean, if I make the decision to take the lead for his recovery (if his recovery is possible ) then I will have to see how to do it
But I am not sure if I want to do this. I do not know if I want to get involved in this issue.
It is a moral dilemma to me. If I do not help him, nobody is going to do it

It was back to work for me today after having one week off. It was nice seeing the people. For some strange reason, at work I feel like I get along with people there the most. I can't seem to hit it off good with people at where I live and at my church.

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up at 3:45AM and couldn't get back to sleep. That's two whole hours from when I really have to get up! If I don't get enough sleep, depression can roar pretty loudly for me. Even a great day can seem horrifying.

As I got home, I came across this woman who works at the Post Office and she used to deliver mail at where I work. She lives across the street from me. I never really liked her. She can be very crude. She was walking her dogs and told me that she'll be going back to work tomorrow after a week off. She commented to me today that I don't work hard. I thought that it was very insulting when she said that. Well, I guess that's her nature.

Have had a relatively interesting few days. Lots of anger and rage accompanied by near total meltdown moments. Last night all I wanted to do was start destroying things. Over stimuli I guess is what triggers it. My depression is getting worse.

down. I dreamt about getting dumped and all the feelings came back. I'm back at square 1. I'm so devastated.

Awful. Keep thinking about things that trouble me, issues outside of myself, issues within myself - it's a mess.

went for a 10km bike ride today determined to the ride the heck out of the Depression. It has helped a little.

I wish I was the person I used to be.

Feeling some better after few days with a stomach bug.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

15 trips usage out of a 42 trip bus pass and I lost it. $167. Have to buy it all over again. I actually thought I'd d lose the thing even sooner than this. Still. Eff. Eff. Eff.

Today was probably the best day in the last few days for me. But I still have the feelings of dread that doesn't make any sense. I worked out today for the first time in a week and a half. It went well. Today was an alright day.

wow, those words stood out for me and they're so true. I always follow up with why did I let this happen?

today was a down day but I had to pretend to be ok and energetic for work. I felt dead inside and caught myself being ok, followed by an immediate feeling of sadness .

Am I going crazy? I feel like my depression is getting deeper and deeper, and I'm experiencing symptoms that are either new or just stronger than I've felt them before. All I can wonder is if it's all in my head. Am I just making this all up for pity or attention? I don't know, and it scares me.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

At work, it was pretty busy but slowed down a bit later in the day. I was feeling pretty good at work. I even selected music while working that was very upbeat instead of moody and slow. When I got home, depression settled in more.

I took a bike ride for an hour after work. Nothing eventful after work. My only friend should be back here tomorrow. He had asked me to pick him up at the airport. I'd rather not since it's quite a ways from where I live, plus it could be late tomorrow evening when he's out of the terminal. He told me that he would arrange for another transport if he's going to be very late. At least he's trying to be understanding that I have to work very early in the morning. Also he got sick on his trip with coughing. I didn't feel too good about him going on this trip all along.

tbh right now I'm feeling pretty anxious. Made a mistake at work and having a fight with a friend who I'm not sure I want to keep as a friend anymore...

In the beginning of a depressive episode on top of that.

It's late where I live. I guess I won't have many sleep tonight and I will regret the hours I spent in the internet tomorrow.

At least I have been reading some interesting and some fun things tonight. Like ketamine for depression. I always secretly though that trying some stimulant drug wouldn't be that bad, like atention deficit disorder medication for children. Well, but this are just thoughts, in fact I am too well behaved and I never tried anything similar. Just the physiologic idea of their actions sounds interesting and promising to me...

Well, I am going to finish university this year (hope so, almost there) and now someone remembered to introduce one thing that is common in America, yearbook. I really don't understand why we have to do this, but we have a new director that likes to show off and prove she does a lot of things... So I don't know what kind of quote I should write. I feel like writing a stupid mocking sentence, because everything is so cliché. I am not sure about how many people really mean what they say. But what I think I should write is a complete neutral thing, like a fact.

P.S. - I normally don't do things after giving it a though and I am not a rebelious. I just like to have fun with these ideas. And while my post its a little bit superficial and out of topic for a depression forum. I really just wanted to wright whatever I was thinking about and post it without regrets, whether it was stupid or not, trying not to judge myself or the importance of what I have to say. Because I want to stop feeling ashamed around other people. So here it goes, even few people are going to read this.

Allergies are absolutely doing me in. I even missed work due to a nasty sinus headache. I feel so useless

I survived another day.

I'm feeling a little better today! Made peace with the friend I was fighting with.

Really down today. My husband let me down.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have the some kind of experiences, if that helps. Including the self-doubt about whether or not it's even real.

****

I'm trying to do some useful things today. If I actually finish everything on my to-do list, this will probably have been my most productive day in weeks. I feel hazy though. This is the second week I've had some problems with time - I keep forgetting what day it is. Not sure if I should be concerned.

how is your sleep?

(not such a strange question!)

when i don't sleep for days, weeks, months on end, i always get the days mixed up- and eventually what happens is that all the days just roll in to 1 big day, because i don't remember ever ending the day anyway, and what day it's meant to be