Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Took about an hour to start drifting off to sleep...then suddenly I woke up and feel wide awake and annoyed. Great. Why is it so hard to sleep??

Quite a busy day for me. But today seemed different than the typical Saturdays for me. I finally got to fixing my flat tire on my bike. I was able to put it all back together, so that's done. I spent a little time with my friend this afternoon.

Been feeling tired today. I didn't sleep very well again last night, but it's improving.

Nothing much for tonight. But I get the feeling in will turn in early. Unfortunately, there is a party going on in one of the houses next door. I hope it calms down later in the night.

My father just visited me in "my own home" for the first time (I moved in in august). He stayed for 30minutes. It's a 1,5h drive per way.
My mom is angry with me (one more time) and i have no idea why.
My bf is on a business trip.

My friends... Oh, right. They aren't my friends. I'm just their friend, whenever they need someone to talk to. Totally forgot.

I'm lonely. I hate my life. Why am I even existing?

Right. Because it sounds way worse than it actually is. It's just life. Everything is perfect.

i'm so selfish... may have ruined everything

Not much of a day today. The weather was perfect, but I felt like I didn't take advantage of it. Oh well, there will be many more. Nothing social went on today. I didn't go to church today because I have a big bandage on my face and I don't feel like talking to anybody. But anyways I had a lot of domestic stuff to do.

I cleaned my place today, instead of doing it yesterday. Also did the laundry and made a batch of spaghetti sauce that should last me a month. I put in a large can of diced tomatoes along with other ingredients. And slow simmer for a few hours. Rode my bike for a little bit today and it ran well. The first time I've been on my bike since last Tuesday. And did some walking, too.

Feeling very depressed and anxious today and I don't know why.

Lately, I haven't been able to concentrate. It's not like me to procrastinate, yet I've been waiting until the last 2 days to do something for the past 3 weeks. I'm getting a little worried.

I used to write but nowadays I have difficulty finding the right words, it seems a lot easier to back off and watch the life goes by.

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mixed day today.

for most of the day it was self pity- i hate my body, i hate my scars, i hate my life, i hate how i've missed out on so much, i hate how my family have abandoned me etc etc, and it was like that for most of the day

and then...

this afternoon however, i got a delivery from amazon.. which is the soundtrack to the disney movie the lion king.

and i am now over the moon with it. it's got all the right cast, all the right songs, in the right order of the movie, and it sounds great on my sterrio

and on thursday when i watch the movie at 10 40, the soundtrack will be loud before that- as a sort of countdown to it

yay yay yay?

hacoona matata forever!

The Lion King is my favourite disney!! Got the soundtrack for christmas enjoyy

is it wrong that i think simba is my hero and still cuddle with a simba stuffy?

(i actually have a story on how i became such a fan of the lion king, i'll message you)

Nothing wrong with that at all

had a long weekend of feeling alone. Got a migraine from thinking too much and eating junk food. I needed to deconstruct in order to build myself up again. I want to stick with what is important, what I need to add to my life and to make sure not to just throw everything out like good things. It is so hard to change. And then someone touched my heart today in a forum and I felt like I got a long hug and got told everything is okay.

I'm feeling depressed today. I have a friend that seems to have dumped me and I don't know why. I'm toying with the idea to just call and ask but am too intimidated. I used to help her quilt two or three days a week and now she doesn't need me which I know is wrong because she is so far behind.

Lonely in Texas.

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Well.... I guess it depends what sort of a friendship you had. How much did you know her as a person? I don't suggest calling and asking.... If she is a friend she will eventually contact you. Good luck

really struggling to make the good feelings last... just want to feel okay with myself

feeling guilty because i spent the entire night binging- making my body (which i all ready hate with every inch of my being) even more grotesque looking.

oh, and guess what. all the rain from yesterday has cleared up, and today is a dry sunny day

blah

on the plus side: i've made it to 2 minits past 11 in the morning without thinking suicidal thoughts

Oh my God. You ever have those days that are hardly bearable. I'm still ruminating regularly at work and it sparked some serious anxiety - it took about an hour for me to calm down and return to normal. I mean, I still kept working; it was no panic attack, and brainlessly hanging clothes probably helped me relax a little and distract myself, but damn. I haven't stressed myself out that bad in a long time. All I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and cry. But I made it through and I'm proud of myself.

I need a more engaging job where this isn't a problem.

Also, some people on another site were talking about loss...apparently I'm more terrified of death than I'll ever admit. I don't even want to admit this here. But I just glanced at a few philosophical posts and couldn't bear to read.

I am entering on a bit of a struggle. The annual 'watch-every-one-else-live-summer-life-to-the-fullest'. The annual hitting home of memories of the life I once led. The ramming home of the fact I can never again experience that life. Sorry, just had to get it out.

I've been having some pretty ****** side effects from starting zoloft last weekend. I left work early yesterday and stayed home today. I don't want to go back in tomorrow, but I already feel like a burden, making everyone else pick up my slack. I had doubts about trying meds again, and I'm getting frustrated.

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What side effects are you having? I took a dose of Zoloft in 1994 and it was too much to start on and I had a nightmarish 3 days of waiting for it to wear off. I didn't feel safe, i was having very bad thoughts on it. It was similar to the way my alcohol hangovers were.

I've been exhausted since starting it, my lower back has ached, and my appetite started disappearing until today it turned into nausea. I feel uncomfortable anywhere other than in bed, and not even there at tjmes. It's not really anxiety, but something like that. Comparing it to a hangover seems pretty accurate, I didn't make that connection.

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Wow, I really hope those side effects wear off soon. But in any case, tell your prescribing doc these side effects and see what they say. At the time I took that large dose, I luckily had Valium in the house and taking that helped me too. (That's what my first encounter with benzos was, also. In the 1970s I had a bad acid trip and someone gave me a Valium. It was so incredibly much better). I really miss my benzos. :/ I hope you'll feel much better soon. And you should tell your pdoc all about these side effects. I was in a total state of despair when I took that dose of Zoloft.

Thanks I called my pdoc about the side effects today, and he told me to stop taking it. Hopefully it goes well, I've only been on it since Friday. So far my anxiety has been manageable, but I do have a couple of benzos if I need them. I need to call again and try to get a sooner appointment though, the zoloft was added because the wellbutrin I'm on hasn't been helping, so I'd like to try a replacement for the zoloft soon.

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Exhausted. Not sure if that's because I'm stressed, or because it's late, or because I'm depressed, or because of any combination of the above.

But I'm alive, and right now that's good enough for me.

Oh good, you have an understanding pdoc. I was put on a tiny dose of Prozac at the hospital. Tbh I don't feel it at all. Wondering if the prescribing doc just meant for me to try an ssri, and increase the dosage gradually.

It's great luck that you have some benzos if you want/need one. The Zoloft reaction should clear up relatively soon after you stop taking it. Two to three days of feeling like cat vomit was "all" it took for me. Lol.