Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

trying to think positive

Struggling. Always struggling..l

It was very busy at work today. Typical Monday as it's a kind of day that things can always go wrong, even on a good day. Today was no exception.

I had a pretty long talk with someone at work. I seem to like him, but after I talked to him, I ended up sorry that I did. He loves to talk about how bad things are these days. I do agree with him but I felt very depressed hearing about it. One thing in particular that got me depressed was him telling me how rentals are so high, it's ridiculous. It's not good news to me because I have wanted to get out of my place so bad. And now it makes me feel like I'm stuck at where I live.

Tonight I went in the pool area for the first time in a while. Met a couple of jerks there and it ruined my night. That happens frequently at where I live. It's been a long time since I met anyone nice at where I live. It would be nice to meet someone that I could like. But it's a lost cause at where I live. I want to leave so bad, but I feel like there's no way out!

I have these kind of dreams frequently. Having to be somewhere and already beeing late and then realizing that I forgot something and dispite beeing late I have to come back to get it.
So my nightmares came true today. I was like 5-10 minutes late and very sleepy and almost getting to where I should be when I noticed I had forget the most obvious thing I needed. Let's go back and forth all over again. So I got to "class" a hour late. And I almost didn't care because I was very sleepy.
I was planning my excuse, making a mix with the truth and things that actually had happen in other ocasions because I was to ashamed to admit what made me come back (it was so obvious it would make me look bad).
But the doctor didn't care. She doesn't care about me, she is finishing her speciality and she has some reports to do. So, dispite coming late I sat there, next to her, like a hour and she didn't talk to me. What the hell was I doing there?!!! It's been like this every day I have been there, luckely, not for many days. She doesn't have many patients because she splits them with another senior doctor.
So, she has more free time to do the final report and I have to waste my time. And she doesn't even care about me, but I have to be there. I didn't have to use my excuse, because I started to talk and she was so indifferent "don't worry" she just shuted me up. Of course!! if I had arrived earlier there would be not one but two hours of beeing there watching her silently writing things on her computer and researching the database. And she doesn't try to be nice to me at all, it's like I am not there.

The next time she says, I know this must be boring for you, I think I will say something like "No, it's your work that must be boring, you have so much to do"... Ironically and beeing not ironical at the same time, because she is one of those persons that exagerates everything to get attention and she is very self-centered.
I have papers to finish, I have lots of things to study, I want to go to the gym! But no, I have to waste my time watching other people doing whatever.
And I was so "drunk" with sleep and I had to rush I didn't have time to had a coffee.

Hated my day ...Feeling angry, anxious, ignored and numb.

My ex invited me to come on our boat for a trip with his girlfriend and my daughter. If I go deeper, I never felt there was a place in my family growing up for me, all the places were taken by my mom and her endless pain of being an alcoholic. The only place I belong is with other people searching for love and acceptance. This site is a good place to belong.

My bf isn't giving up on me yet. This weekend will test some things between us, meeting his sisters. Driving 6 hours or more there and that should give me more clarity about how we get along. There's things about him that I just accept but I'm not sure I should. Then again, I am usually just amazed that I have someone who seems to love me in my life finally. I've tested his patience enough, so I hope I can just get through this weekend and make it a good one. He is always noticing how negative I am but I've been that way so long it's hard to just lighten up. I need to just not care so much about how people think of me I guess.

I did not sleep well last night. Well, actually, I went to sleep pretty much right away. But woke up at 3:15 AM and could not get back to sleep. I got thinking about things a whole lot.

Last night at 10 PM the back tire on my bike decided to go out. It was really weird that the back tire was alright the whole time I took a ride yesterday. And then I heard a hissing sound at 10 PM and the air was just going out. I pumped up the air but it still went down. So now I have that to think about. For me it's very hard to fix a flat when it's the back wheel of the bike. It's dealing with the chains and stuff that's hard to put the back wheel back in. Being a guy, I really hate to admit this.

Also, tomorrow I have that skin cancer work. It will be the Mohs procedure.

So I had those two things going on in my head early this morning. I felt horrible at work today, even though it was alright at work.

I wish you good luck with everything. When I lived in a location that I could ride my bike everyday, I used to bring it to a shop for tune ups. There were a lot of old and young men doing the same. So, that, and I wish you excellent luck tomorrow too.

Been ruminating again today: childhood stupidity, current, immaturity, past failures. Today I came home and found my roommate had put up a door-hanger that prevented doorof our room from closing....I didn't realize this until I ended up slamming the door and breaking the hanger. Great. More money I'll owe. Apparently the hanger wasn't hers but the person who did give it to her found it and yelled at me, said I had no business slamming the door.

But God - is is so bad to want to be able to close one's door and be alone after work? Is it so crazy and entitled to not want people barging in or stealing from me because the door's wide open? I'm increasingly scared to live here, I don't feel safe and I'm convinced that most other residents here would beat the hell out of me given the opportunity. Maybe I'm paranoid.

Still, I want to cry so badly right now but I can't. Fear and self hate... it's overwhelming in a quiet way.

I am not doing well, trying to cope

So stupid how little things can make us happy.
Here I was brushing my teeth when one of my earrings fell down the pipes!!! No!!
So I oppen them...pretty disgusting in side I may say (someone could make a wig with that) sorry for beeing visual... oh, but there it was!

So very stupid story. But the truth is I am happy I retrieved it. I will probably wash it now.

Well, it's done! I had the skin cancer removed today. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm glad that the worst is over (I hope!). I go back next Tuesday to have stitches removed, so things may get back to normal by then. There are some restrictions to do what I want to do for the next few days.

Once again I woke up a couple of hours before I had to and couldn't get back to sleep. And once again I felt awful at work, but nothing was going on there to make me feel bad. Feel very tired right now. I only worked until 11:45 AM today so that I can make the appointment at 12:15. It seemed like the morning went by so fast. Funny how time flies when having something come up that I dread!

I feel like I'd be tired enough to get a good night's sleep. At least I won't have to worry now. But there's one side of the bed that I can't sleep on in order to protect the procedure.

Yay! I'm so glad it went well. (Except for feeling bad at work.)

I cancelled my plans and feel crappy about it, but I'm not feeling well and anxiety about everything is too much. This could be the end of things for us, I know he's very disappointed in me.
I'm relying far too much on medication and it's not really helping.

Well, I've been on Citalopram for just over 3 weeks now.

I think my mood started improving a little itself, because the negative thoughts largely subsided during the first week. Perhaps because I have stopped beating myself up about starting smoking again.

I'm still lacking a fair bit of motivation although I am managing to fill my days now & am enjoying things more. (mostly just watching TV all day but still... that's something)

Only downside is my anxiety is still playing up, not helped by the Citalopram making me feel tired during the day & not able to sleep well at night. Also been feeling a bit weak at times but I think that's side effects + lack of sleep + anxiety.

I've skipped my dose this morning & will be having it tonight instead to see if that helps.

As long as I adjust to the meds, I think it should work ok. My main concern now is just over my psychosis which is playing up a little but I'm hopeful that's just the anxiety exacerbating that. Otherwise that means I'll be back on APs too.

So I think I can tentatively say things are starting to look up.

I went to a women's circle last night. We had a guided meditation and we practiced an exercise of looking in to each other's right eye and saying "I love you." I felt connected to everyone in the room, it was nice. Nice probably won't keep the monsters at bay when they roar inside me that they hurt, but there is a lot of "nice" in the world.

I'm very very sad and lonely

wasted another day eating chips and sat in front of old reruns of shows

oh yay.... not

i'm going to go so far in life. really

I am down again, with flu alike symptoms. I stop going to the gym four days ago, I just can't do it ... Joints pain are back too, no wonder. I am very sad. I have to do something about all those issues. There are ways to cope. I just can not make it work yet.

Haven't been on the forums for a few months. It is so difficult for me to settle on doing something and then to do that thing consistently over time. But I am trying to get back into the swing of things again.

So sad, so much anguish. I feel like my life is just over, like there's no way to fix all the heavy, burdensome problems in my life. I feel completely different from others, like I am truly the exception to "You are not alone." But I know that that can't really be the case, that it's self-absorbed to think that, which then just makes me feel worse for being so self-absorbed!

Another day feeling not so good at work; even though there's no reason to feel lousy. I guess I have to blame it on not sleeping well.

Also since yesterday I feel different than just last Wednesday. I won't be working out for at least a few days. I'll try to get my bike going. I still have not fixed that flat on the back wheel and I have a tremendous fear of failure of not being able to do it.

I've been having dreadful thoughts and thinking about how everything could go wrong. So the depression has been crashing in on me since yesterday. I feel like I want my old self back again that I had not so long ago!

I think it is normal you have these thoughts because you had a cancer surgery. It is very probable that everything will be fine but, I think it is impossible not to worry, at least, during the first days after the surgery. I am faithful you will recover your previous more positive status soon. I do not know if this is silly, but when I am too worried or preoccupied, sometimes watching a comedy helps. Also, having a nice meal. OK, I wish you a rapid recovery. Sending you a hug

My mind is bouncing everywhere today - all between troubling thoughts, sad thoughts, and I'm not sure what to do other than ride it until it's over.

Walking the tightrope over the abyss....