Just need to talk

I feel like this is my inner self. Not just now, when I'm depressed, but any time anything goes wrong. I feel like my inner self is just a child, usually going about enjoying life and not worrying, but as soon as there's a threat, usually someone not being happy with me, it runs and hides. Sometimes I actually get an image like this in my head. This is how I feel when someone is mad at me, or even uses a harsh tone in response to a conversation I initiated. I have this unexplainable feeling of being a child: weak, scared, not understanding why this is happening to me, but accepting that I should be punished.
Like as a child, when I knew my parents were about to yell at me, I always felt that they were right, even if I didn't know why. It's not like I was never mad at my parents, or never thought they were unfair or didn't understand me. But when it came to punishment time, I was never mad. I never felt that they were wrong to punish me, or tried to avoid it. The moment I knew I was going to be punished, I resigned myself to it and told myself I deserved it.
The problem is, that seems to happen now even when someone isn't trying to punish me. It happens whenever someone is not happy with me, whenever I have failed to keep things pleasant and orderly.
But there's also a part of me that is like the punisher. I berate myself, I hate the image of this scared little girl that I believe is me. Because I'm not a little girl anymore, and running away isn't an option. I tell myself I can't afford to fall apart, and when I do, I get so angry at myself. Like a parent might get angry when a child throws a fit, because they know the kid is just being selfish, that whatever is happening doesn't really warrant this kind of reaction. But kids overreact. I just never stopped.

I understand this feeling, SoScorpio. I don't know enough about it to know where it comes from, but this is pretty much my way of responding to conflict of any sort as well.

All I can say is that I'm very sorry. I hope that everyone can find a way to rise above these emotions somehow.

I have this a lot too. But this also reminds me of something that I do when things get kind of globby in my mind. I tend to separate myself out into different chunks so to speak? I found positive self talk pretty difficult but it was easier when I pretended to be someone else. So essentially I split myself into 4 different sections. "The teacher", "The BFF", "Me", and "Depression".

The teacher was obsessed about doing things that fit with society's wishes, my family's expectations, and reality's confines. She was very future and goal orientated and constantly comparing myself to other people. Figuring out what I should be focusing on to become and stay a mature responsible adult.

The BFF was my positive self talk. The person focused on my physical and mental well being along with my personal interests and hobbies. She was the one to yell at me when I wasn't taking care of myself but also the one that would smash all those negative thoughts away.

I was. Well. I don't view myself really as an adult lol so my mental image of myself is a teenager and the goal of the teacher and BFF is to turn me into an adult. I throw tantrums and get grumpy and get depressed and all sorts of fun stuff. But ultimately I listen and decide what advice I take. (Even if literally all the characters are me in different outfits lol)

Depression was a small child. Almost always constantly crying or writing dramatic sad poetry about how bleak the world looked. Would often hide and curl away when she felt people were being mean, and the first to have a panic attack when the slightest thing would go wrong. It was important for me to have Depression as a child because a crying version of myself is very hard to get mad at lol. The goal often became coaxing her back into health. Telling her that it wasn't her fault and that people weren't mad. That it's okay to be sad and we'll have a sad day and try again tomorrow. Or on really bad days, just that the world can be a wonderful place still.

I ended up rambling so I'll try to cut this off lol. By separating the emotions, it makes it easier to distance and understand them on a logical. And by being my own BFF it helped me comfort myself in a way that was familiar and more effective. I don't know if what I said makes sense lol but this is what I use when I feel this way.

Best of luck!

I relate to the guilty feeling, bewildered child too.
Look after her and she can become more confident.

Be kind to yourself, you soooo deserve it.

When my son was in preschool, I had gotten mad and scolded him about something. He came home from school with a drawing of the saddest little face in the world and it said "This is how I feel when Mommy yells at me". I never got mad and scolded him again, thinking about that sad little face.

I think that child we become is the child we were when our parents scolded us and made us feel that way. It cuts so deep, we never recover from it.

You're probably right. For all my life I've felt like I can't quite measure up. Not like I'm a total screw-up, who at least could beg for help, but high-functioning enough that people expect a lot from me, more than I feel capable of.
Probably because my parents spent the first ten years of my life telling me I was smart and talented and wonderful, then spent the next ten years telling me I wasn't good enough. They built up my self-esteem and then crushed it. My mom more than my dad. I always felt like my dad wanted me to do well, but even if he was disappointed he still loved me, and it wasn't a big deal. "You win some, you lose some" seemed to be his philosophy, while my mom demanded perfection. She would pay me $20 per A on my report card. But a B was ignored, in the best case scenario. Worst case, she'd tell me I should have gotten an A. She was especially baffled when I got low grades in art class from time to time. Effort is all that's required, right? Except I was already so set in my habit of perfectionism that I just wouldn't turn in any work I wasn't satisfied with, hence the low grades.

I think maybe the reason I see my inner self as a child like this is because I've always needed approval. Once I grew up and didn't have the life my mom imagined for me -- getting a degree after high school and going straight into a career, like she did, amassing herself $100k in student loan debt -- I gave up on getting approval from her. Actually I think I may have given up earlier, after my father died when I was 14. Despite my irrational feeling that everyone has to like me, I realize that's not possible. So it seems I attach myself to one person or group, and as long as I have approval from them, I'm alright. That could be why I have dependent tendencies. If all my sense of self-worth comes from only one source, I have to cling to it. To lose that person would be to lose myself. That's how it feels to me.

There is nothing wrong with falling apart, I would say it is much better than directing frustration about yourself to blaming others. There is so much societal pressure to be like other people and success is measured by money or popularity. I think you need to find the reason why you punish yourself, where do you think you are wrong and then try to think why this is wrong but without putting as a reference what society tells you to do.

I try to judge my actions by what empowers me and other people and what makes me get stuck in a self blaming circle or makes me blame other people.

We all have an inner child, who is often scared, confused, and feels threatened. In time we can learn to accept and comfort that inner child, instead of instead of punishing ourselves and hating him/her. He/she just needs to be comforted and loved, and we have to learn to be able to do that for ourselves, no matter how others treat us. It took me a long time to do that, but it was worth the effort. Keep posting here-- we will always talk to you. I am sending you good energy and wishing that things get better for you in 2016. Remember to be gentle with yourself.