[Hypopup]

I was diagnosed with depression at 14 which was quite a long time ago. I did not get diagnosed with a disability until this year. I only did it because I thought it would help me get a job. Now I'm wondering if it was such a good idea because I feel like life was better when I was oblivious and thought I was just strange. Having a diagnosis is like a life sentence to me..a life sentence of failure. It only reiterates how improbable if not impossible it is to have a happy relationship and being independent with a career/job. I don't want to be like an invalid..where someone is always going to have to take care of me.
The worst part is it seems like getting a diagnosis isn't even getting me anywhere with a job. My coach is funded by the state so it is a limited amount of time to work with me. I guess she got me an interview when I usually have problems getting but I feel like I'm never going to get past that stage. I also felt lost on whether to disclose before getting the job. She wasn't sure what I should do there. I know that I started working with her not too long ago but it doesn't seem like there are much jobs out there for me. She thinks I should try the craft store but I don't know. It wouldn't be a terrible job but I don't know how I would fit in there when I'm not into crafts. I know you wouldn't have to do the crafts cuz it's a regular associate job but still..I feel like if I'm going to do retail it has to be a store I'd be familiar with. I'm not good at hiding my feelings as much as I want to so I'm afraid they will notice somehow that it's not really a job I like.
I don't know about volunteering either cuz when I did gift wrapping in school I was kinda meh about it since they did not pay me. My self esteem relies hugely on making money. If I'm not making money it's not worth it to me. Maybe if I did an internship or helped a musician out with their video (since that's my ultimate goal: do music videos) that would be okay to do but I can never find much in my area.
I'm kind of a loner too so I don't know how I'd get good references when volunteering is basically networking.
Being a loner I don't seek out friendships so this doesn't really make sense to me but I feel kinda lonely because I think about how I could possibly have kindred spirits that I could never have a relationship with. That's what I sometimes wish for is kindred spirits but they're so hard to come by. I am missing someone who I believe is my kindred spirit but I can't go into it because most people won't understand.

I don't know why I'm posting this because I don't like to open up. It's not something I generally do even online. I'm just so tired of my life and feel stuck. I've been living this life too long and want a new one. I think not having a job is definitely my biggest problem so I think if I can get a job that will help some but I know I have other baggage too. That is my main goal right now it just doesn't seem like it will ever happen.
People say to go back to therapy but I was put into therapy as a child and was there for a while..it didn't really help. My current therapist seemed really nice and understanding but we didn't go deep and as far as the job thing she said she couldn't help. That's why she referred me to the organization. So I haven't been to her since because I'm afraid she won't be able to help me. I don't like sharing my deepest feelings to begin with so if it turns out that even she can't help I will feel awful after sharing. On the rare occasions I do open up to someone, it doesn't help me because either they are not understanding or they can't help so I feel like a burden to the latter.

Maybe I should have put this in the autism category but I never know where to put my posts.

[Mountainbard]

Even though you don't like opening up, it's good that you posted here. It's anonymous so it's a safe space to do so, you should get some good feedback, and it's a step on the way to opening up more in real life. From reading your post it seems like you have a lot of fear and doubts, about yourself and about life. A therapist who would work on those issues would be helpful. Since your self-esteem relies hugely on making money, you may have to just take a job you're not really excited about. Lots of people have to work jobs that they don't really like-- it's a trade-off for getting that paycheck. Try to stop thinking it doesn't seem like a job will ever happen, and turn your thinking toward "when I get a job" to help you be more positive. I hope you have good luck and get a job soon.

My view on therapists, which I think most therapists would agree with, is that their help doesn't come by the way of them handing out a fix. They are your team member. This way, at least 2 insightful people are on Team Hypopup - them and YOU. They can't help you by the way of just giving you an answer to solve your problem(s) . . . you do it together . So, if you are feeling like you are not receiving enough guidance or verbal feedback, maybe let your T know exactly that and then ask them What the 2 of you can do together to improve your sessions. Maybe that can get things going in the right direction, or perhaps your T may recommend another professional more suited to you.

Also, I've read on this forum that some people who have a hard time opening up to their T find it easier if they write down their thoughts/concerns on paper or via email and let their T read it. Takes some of the pressure off of you speaking it. Others will share their post with their T. I think these are really great approaches. Maybe they can be useful for you.

[Hypopup]

Originally Posted by Mountainbard

Since your self-esteem relies hugely on making money, you may have to just take a job you're not really excited about. Lots of people have to work jobs that they don't really like-- it's a trade-off for getting that paycheck. Try to stop thinking it doesn't seem like a job will ever happen, and turn your thinking toward "when I get a job" to help you be more positive. I hope you have good luck and get a job soon.

Yeah that's what I was afraid of. Like I say I'm sure the craft store wouldn't be that bad but I really don't know how I would "fit in" there. Maybe if I knew for a fact I was the only one applying but if I can't even beat out the competition for a job I like, I really don't see how I could be the best candidate for a job I don't really like. I know that sometimes it has to do with their personality but if that's the case then my passion and personal experience is all I have. I don't see how I'd make an employer connect with me on personality alone when I'm so misunderstood. Idk I just feel like I'm doing them a disservice when I'm sure they have other candidates that are more passionate about the job/desperate for money or sociable than me. I know I do want a job but I'm not sure that is enough to make me stand out. The only way I see getting a job that I don't really like is if they want a diverse team so then I can disclose my disability but I feel like I can't win either way with that because if I disclose I may end up getting the employer that will discriminate.

People do say I need to be more positive but I have been mistreated so much in my life that I'm not sure I have much hope in me anymore. I get so tired of waiting. I just can't believe I've been out of college for 4 years and only a couple of months ago did I start getting this coach. I know that everyone goes at their own pace though but it's still frustrating.

Originally Posted by Onward

My view on therapists, which I think most therapists would agree with, is that their help doesn't come by the way of them handing out a fix. They are your team member. This way, at least 2 insightful people are on Team Hypopup - them and YOU. They can't help you by the way of just giving you an answer to solve your problem(s) . . . you do it together . So, if you are feeling like you are not receiving enough guidance or verbal feedback, maybe let your T know exactly that and then ask them What the 2 of you can do together to improve your sessions. Maybe that can get things going in the right direction, or perhaps your T may recommend another professional more suited to you.

Also, I've read on this forum that some people who have a hard time opening up to their T find it easier if they write down their thoughts/concerns on paper or via email and let their T read it. Takes some of the pressure off of you speaking it. Others will share their post with their T. I think these are really great approaches. Maybe they can be useful for you.

I know I am naturally a huge thinker so it's easy for me to overthink. I've looked up about how to stop that with no success so I guess that's also why I'm iffy about going back but I will consider about writing down and letting them read it. I am a better writer than speaker so it might be a little better.

Originally Posted by Hypopup

Idk I just feel like I'm doing them a disservice when I'm sure they have other candidates that are more passionate about the job/desperate for money or sociable than me.

Do NOT worry about whether or not you would be doing an employer a "disservice" if they hired you versus someone else . . . that is THEIR job to worry about that, NOT yours as a job candidate. Also, keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect employee. Even the good, passionate ones have their weaknesses. Generally, an employer needs all kinds.

Based on your description of yourself, maybe your aren't the best fit as Hooter's waitress or whatever . A more solitary type would be good for being part of a retail inventory or merchandising crew (just as an example.) So, where your style can be viewed as a weakness for many types of positions, a smart employer would see that as a strength for other types of positions. Are you an honest person? Hard working? Punctual? Organized and have attention to detail? Quick learner? Creative? If you are not a bubbly, talkative, social person, then one could infer that you may be focused and task-oriented, and will not waste time on the sales floor chatting with your coworkers while ignoring customers - and all the other real work that needs to get done. If so, play those up as your strengths and let the employer match you to the right job. Remember, it is just a job - you're not marrying it nor bound to it till-death-do-you-part . . . it's OK to have an intermediate mediocre position until you develop more skills and something better comes along. We've ALL had to do that. You don't have to have a *passion* for it, either (most of us don't), but just do your best, do it with integrity, diligence, and a sense of gratitude. Keep it in context.

Now, about whether to disclose your disability . . . I don't know. I suspect that the same answer would not be correct in all situations. My first thought is to hop online and do a google search for "finding a job+depression+disability" and see what kind of information comes up from the experts.

My second thought is get into an interview and when they say "Tell me about yourself and why you would want to work here" you might want to reply something like this:
"Well, first let me say that I really appreciate the opportunity for this job interview - I'm really glad to be here. (Then say something you know about the place - you've heard good things about the store, management has a good reputation, my mom always loved to shop here, something that is not a complete fabrication and you can say with some level of sincerity). I finished school in X, I have skills in Y, and I am just ready to get out there and be productive (I'm not saying that you are an unproductive person, but many managers appreciate a touch of humility along with eagerness.) My strongest traits, and what I can bring to the job, are (fill in the blanks those "non-bubbly" traits above as applicable)."
If they ask, "Tell me about some your weaknesses", then this would be a good time to introduce your depression IF you decide to go there:
"Now, to be honest, and I don't mean this in a negative way, but I have found life a bit challenging as I was diagnosed with depression when I was a young teen - teenage years are always so fun, aren't they? -and I've really had to work through things with a serious set of determination. While this has been personally quite challenging for me, in some ways it is also the very source for my strengths (reiterate those here.) And, I am continuing to grow." I would even suggest role playing this with your coach or T. I just don't know if officially claiming your depression as a disability is going to be helpful for you in the long run; that's why I recommend conducting some online research.

However, if you chose not to claim as a disability your depression, then your weakness response may be more general, such as "Well, I guess you could say that I'm not the most extroverted person and tend to be a bit solitary. But, I am (go right into re-emphasizing your strengths.)" And/or maybe, "I've never gotten into crafts personally, but I do have a creative side . . . I think it would be great to work with musicians and videography at some point. But, working here could give me exposure to some other creative outlets."

Also, do not forget that you have depression, but you are not depression. You are not your illness.

Peace and good luck!

[Hypopup]

Originally Posted by Onward

Do NOT worry about whether or not you would be doing an employer a "disservice" if they hired you versus someone else . . . that is THEIR job to worry about that, NOT yours as a job candidate. Also, keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect employee. Even the good, passionate ones have their weaknesses. Generally, an employer needs all kinds.

Based on your description of yourself, maybe your aren't the best fit as Hooter's waitress or whatever . A more solitary type would be good for being part of a retail inventory or merchandising crew (just as an example.) So, where your style can be viewed as a weakness for many types of positions, a smart employer would see that as a strength for other types of positions. Are you an honest person? Hard working? Punctual? Organized and have attention to detail? Quick learner? Creative? If you are not a bubbly, talkative, social person, then one could infer that you may be focused and task-oriented, and will not waste time on the sales floor chatting with your coworkers while ignoring customers - and all the other real work that needs to get done. If so, play those up as your strengths and let the employer match you to the right job. Remember, it is just a job - you're not marrying it nor bound to it till-death-do-you-part . . . it's OK to have an intermediate mediocre position until you develop more skills and something better comes along. We've ALL had to do that. You don't have to have a *passion* for it, either (most of us don't), but just do your best, do it with integrity, diligence, and a sense of gratitude. Keep it in context.

Now, about whether to disclose your disability . . . I don't know. I suspect that the same answer would not be correct in all situations. My first thought is to hop online and do a google search for "finding a job+depression+disability" and see what kind of information comes up from the experts.

My second thought is get into an interview and when they say "Tell me about yourself and why you would want to work here" you might want to reply something like this:
"Well, first let me say that I really appreciate the opportunity for this job interview - I'm really glad to be here. (Then say something you know about the place - you've heard good things about the store, management has a good reputation, my mom always loved to shop here, something that is not a complete fabrication and you can say with some level of sincerity). I finished school in X, I have skills in Y, and I am just ready to get out there and be productive (I'm not saying that you are an unproductive person, but many managers appreciate a touch of humility along with eagerness.) My strongest traits, and what I can bring to the job, are (fill in the blanks those "non-bubbly" traits above as applicable)."
If they ask, "Tell me about some your weaknesses", then this would be a good time to introduce your depression IF you decide to go there:
"Now, to be honest, and I don't mean this in a negative way, but I have found life a bit challenging as I was diagnosed with depression when I was a young teen - teenage years are always so fun, aren't they? -and I've really had to work through things with a serious set of determination. While this has been personally quite challenging for me, in some ways it is also the very source for my strengths (reiterate those here.) And, I am continuing to grow." I would even suggest role playing this with your coach or T. I just don't know if officially claiming your depression as a disability is going to be helpful for you in the long run; that's why I recommend conducting some online research.

However, if you chose not to claim as a disability your depression, then your weakness response may be more general, such as "Well, I guess you could say that I'm not the most extroverted person and tend to be a bit solitary. But, I am (go right into re-emphasizing your strengths.)" And/or maybe, "I've never gotten into crafts personally, but I do have a creative side . . . I think it would be great to work with musicians and videography at some point. But, working here could give me exposure to some other creative outlets."

Also, do not forget that you have depression, but you are not depression. You are not your illness.

Peace and good luck!

I just worry about whether or not they would hire me when I didn't have passion but I guess I could try all the things you said. I know that honesty is a good quality and hard working which I do have but for some reason I always think about the competition. I feel like even though I am being honest about my traits they might be interpreted as kiss up answers because people say those things dishonestly in interviews. Could they tell that I am being honest? I don't know I know I shouldn't worry about the competition but I can't help it because I know they typically only have one position. As far as the creative side that would be a reasonable way to stand out but there might be something that another candidate has that stands out just as much.

I don't mean my depression is a disability (although it can be disabling). I mean I have a disability. I guess that's what I worry about most. I know I am like I say honest and feel best when working while most people would work just for the money itself but I also know I have a lot of baggage. I do not know for sure which employers will really judge me on it. I guess that's part of my disability. I'm not so good at making decisions.
I know I can discuss this with my coach but she really wasn't any help on whether to disclose it before the interview. She just said to ask someone who knew me better. You would think it would be good to disclose that I was diagnosed with a learning disability because it might cause a hiring preference esp if the company says that they are disability friendly but that doesn't mean it's true. The EEOC laws exist for a reason.
I guess I will have to discuss this with the therapist. I just always feel rushed for time..

[ShineYourLight]

Im glad you still worry about your "disability". Everone has deep emotional bonds with this root of depression waiting to be released from. Yes we are different then most. Most people cant fathum depression because they are so happy ..this was always odd to me when people couldnt relate. It was even odd to me that i couldnt relate before i went trhough depression. so i realized both sides of the story lol. WHy problems are considered "deep" is because we cant find the answers to them! message me if you need any help

Originally Posted by Hypopup

I just worry about whether or not they would hire me when I didn't have passion but I guess I could try all the things you said. I know that honesty is a good quality and hard working which I do have but for some reason I always think about the competition. I feel like even though I am being honest about my traits they might be interpreted as kiss up answers because people say those things dishonestly in interviews. Could they tell that I am being honest? I don't know I know I shouldn't worry about the competition but I can't help it because I know they typically only have one position. As far as the creative side that would be a reasonable way to stand out but there might be something that another candidate has that stands out just as much.

I don't mean my depression is a disability (although it can be disabling). I mean I have a disability. I guess that's what I worry about most. I know I am like I say honest and feel best when working while most people would work just for the money itself but I also know I have a lot of baggage. I do not know for sure which employers will really judge me on it. I guess that's part of my disability. I'm not so good at making decisions.
I know I can discuss this with my coach but she really wasn't any help on whether to disclose it before the interview. She just said to ask someone who knew me better. You would think it would be good to disclose that I was diagnosed with a learning disability because it might cause a hiring preference esp if the company says that they are disability friendly but that doesn't mean it's true. The EEOC laws exist for a reason.
I guess I will have to discuss this with the therapist. I just always feel rushed for time..

Sorry I misinterpreted!

Yeah, about that baggage . . . ? Everyone has it. Every. One. If they don't then they will. Some people are better at not showing it is all.

[Hypopup]

Originally Posted by Onward

Sorry I misinterpreted!

Yeah, about that baggage . . . ? Everyone has it. Every. One. If they don't then they will. Some people are better at not showing it is all.

Yeah I know that everyone has problems. That's the real issue: I can't hide my feelings even when I really want to.
The other thing is my personal life is the only way that I would really stand out including my struggles with mental issues. I could say "I work well under pressure" but anyone can say that. I am still struggling even today but the fact that I have been able to deal with it as well as I have makes working doable. It's only the rejection that I can't take. I just feel upset that I have to hide it because the experiences that I have make me more resilient towards bad situations. For instance if a customer was rude I could just shrug it off and am still able to help them because for me there is much worse they could be doing.
My childhood has also probably helped shape me into finding earning money important so at least for me I guess I am my experiences. So why do I have to hide them?

For what it's worth, I think you're short-changing yourself. If you work well under pressure, say so. If you don't let rude people fluster you, say so. It doesn't matter if other candidates say the same things - if it is the truth for you, you owe it to yourself to let the interviewer know. These are important traits! If you cannot share these with someone interviewing you, then how would they know? It is not their job to mind read.

Hmmmm, you don't have to "hide" them. But, you don't have to broadcast them, either. We humans struggle with finding a way to balance our inner workings. You have experienced nasty things in your childhood and that is not at all irrelevant.

[Hypopup]

Originally Posted by Onward

For what it's worth, I think you're short-changing yourself. If you work well under pressure, say so. If you don't let rude people fluster you, say so. It doesn't matter if other candidates say the same things - if it is the truth for you, you owe it to yourself to let the interviewer know. These are important traits! If you cannot share these with someone interviewing you, then how would they know? It is not their job to mind read.

Hmmmm, you don't have to "hide" them. But, you don't have to broadcast them, either. We humans struggle with finding a way to balance our inner workings. You have experienced nasty things in your childhood and that is not at all irrelevant.

I just don't know how I would explain it because if one looks at my resume they may think I'm just BSing cuz I have no examples. The only thing I can think of that is not personal is when I would do gift wrapping during school but not sure if that is enough. I don't even remember much about it: just that I did it and I wasn't that good at it. I think it helped I wasn't getting paid so I lacked the motivation but regardless it's not my best example.
I think a good example would be the yard sales but even that is apparently too personal to use in an interview.

So, you have volunteer service (gift-wrapping and yard sales?) Employers like that - that like to know that you were willing to work for a service. Can I suggest googling resumes+unpaid work or +volunteer work? There are a lot of ways to demonstrate skills and attributes that went into all that. Just because you didn't feel especially proud of or motivated by the work at the time doesn't mean it's meaningless.

Good luck!

[Hypopup]

Originally Posted by Onward

So, you have volunteer service (gift-wrapping and yard sales?) Employers like that - that like to know that you were willing to work for a service. Can I suggest googling resumes+unpaid work or +volunteer work? There are a lot of ways to demonstrate skills and attributes that went into all that. Just because you didn't feel especially proud of or motivated by the work at the time doesn't mean it's meaningless.

Good luck!

Well the yard sale is not volunteer so that's why I'm told it's too personal. Our landlords let us do yard sales annually. I do feel like it's a better example for me than the gift wrapping but yet it doesn't seem to count as much as gift wrapping because I'm just selling my mom and I's stuff. The volunteer ventures I've had I've all done during school so I wasn't sure about putting them on there. I don't know if they'd be impressed by it because they'd look at it and think "you just did that for school credit". I really am not good with resumes even when trying to google them so what happened is my coach was the one that had fixed up my resume recently but she did not put these on there. I told her about it a few times. She said the yard sale was too personal. I don't know why she didn't put the gift wrap because she didn't indicate it was a bad example. Maybe she forgot.