Not 'allowed' to have negative feelings??

I finally recovered from depression somehow in the summer. No meds or therapy at the time, although I think maybe I processed some stuff from previous therapy?? So, to give people here a bit of hope, I'd been severely depressed for 8 years, until gradually I wasn't anymore in the summer. I never thought that would happen for me when I was stuck in that pit. It's so good to feel like 'me' again; to be able to cry when I feel sad and to be able to stop. I spent so long being completely miserable, but unable to cry, or feeling empty, or crying uncontrollably at the tiniest little thing. And now emotions ebb and flow like they used to.

When I was depressed, I would often get lectures from my family about being negative, taking things too seriously, catastrophising, not looking for the positives, and it was very difficult because I really was trying. I keep a mental gratitude list, I practice mindfulness and find a lot of joy in the beauty of nature etc for the last few years, but still was criticised. I assumed that they had a point because I was depressed and I did often feel hopeless about the future...

But since I'm not depressed anymore, I am still being criticised for the same things. I still feel like I'm not 'allowed' to express any negative emotion (or any deep honest thoughts). Which is stupid! Everyone feels sad or annoyed or disappointed or worried from time to time, so why am I 'told off' for expressing these normal things?? I tried to make a cake recently and it was a disaster and so I ended up throwing it straight in the bin - I told my mum that I was disappointed that it hadn't turned out right cos I'd really been looking forward to trying this new cake recipe, and I got a massive lecture about not being so negative and that I have all of these techniques for not being miserable and that I had to start using them!

Typing this, it occurs to me that maybe my parents are so scared that I will get so depressed again that they freak out at every normal negative emotion?? It was a long, hard 8 years for them too. They had to care for me and have me hospitalised twice, which was awful for all of us. But it's making me feel like I can't ever be honest with anyone about my normal range of thoughts or feelings.

Can anyone relate? Will they calm down? I hope so.

*Willow*

Parents are different in how much they understand. Sometimes the best to do is to not expect understanding from them and take them for what they are. Even if they are not perfect, they do their best. New relations outside of home may perhaps be more fit for you because they don't know your story.

By the way: Isn't throwing a cake a bit overreacting? It is not necessary to act out the feelings, only to feel them. I'm not trying to make you miserable, only trying to tell that the society might get a wrong impression of you if you do things like that at school, uni or at workplace.

We all do mistakes according to what society expects of us and that is OK. When I do mistakes I try to learn from them, put them in "the box of past" and try to go on in the present and in the future. (I've used an amount of time to learn how to live with my depression and other).

Thank you for replying Singer47. I appreciate you taking the time to respond

I think that it would be a shame to restrict my relationship with my parents to superficial pleasantries. The parent-adult child relationship is different to other adult-adult relationships, but there must be some way to make them see that they are over-reacting? Nothing so far that I have said has changed the situation, and I feel sad to be hiding more and more of my life from them in response.

I am working on developing more/deeper friendships, but so far have found it difficult to move past the superficial stage. I am looking for quality not quantity of relationships. I have acquaintances and even superficial friendships, but I want someone/a couple of people I can be authentic with. I don't think that's too much to ask.

What do you mean by people who don't know my story? Depression etc was/is not who I was/am, but I don't see why I have to hide that from everyone. I'm tired of hiding myself, I want more authentic and accepting relationships, both with my parents and with others.

This made me laugh so hard - if you knew me IRL, you would get why the idea of me throwing a cake, or anything, is so funny! I "threw the cake straight in the bin" meant as in I threw it away/disposed of it into the bin, not that I physically threw it through the air into the bin. It is a common phrase where I'm from.

With that misunderstanding, the rest of your reply didn't really resonate with me. To clarify, by 'acting out', I'm assuming you mean behaviours that are socially disapproved of ('temper tantrums' if you will) and not the process of acting out (demonstrating) a feeling, because people act out feelings all of the time e.g. smiling is a way of acting out happiness and crying is a way of acting out sadness?

*Willow*

He, he ...

There you can see. We all see the world through our own glasses. So it is with parents, too.

When I said: «Parents are different in how much they understand. Sometimes the best to do is to not expect understanding from them and take them for what they are. Even if they are not perfect, they do their best,» I meant that some parents will never be able to go into a parent/adult-child relation. One will always be their child. If that is so in your case, you have to accept that.

My mother still tries to teach me how to do the dishes. It's rather irritating and I have asked her to stop. It took her a looooooooooooong time to understand that. Still there are things that are hard to live with in the relationship. I have told myself (years ago) that I have to accept her the way she is. When I try to adapt to that, life is much more easy.

Perhaps you should give your parents some more time and then decide how to continue the relationship with them ...

When it comes to new people in your life, it's your choice to tell or not to tell about former depression. Many people have lost their friends when they were open about it.

I see it more as a right to not speak about my depression! I do the job in my life. Others have to do the jobs in their lives. Nobody has the right to know everything about everyone ...

I tried to make a cake recently and it was a disaster and so I ended up throwing it straight in the bin Love it. Everyone gets fed up from time to time and literally or metaphorically bins the cake. All the same if you find yourself binning cake or its equivalent very often I wonder if you could look at it in a different way.

Often things go wrong, it is no big deal, in fact it is the exception for things to work first time or indeed every time. I find I generally have to do things, mend an electric socket, replace a headlight bulb on the car, fit a new tap washer about three times before I get it right. It is the just the way it is, I am clearly never going to earn a living as a 'handyman', but so it goes. I used to get miserable, cuss greatly, make bitter remarks ot the cat, and put the wife out in the garden and actually feel a failure over absurd little things like this, but patience and practice generally win the day.

Since you are presumably not a chef or perhaps don't claim to be an accomplished cook it stands to reason things will go wrong in the cake making department from time to time.

Therefore you laugh about it, decide what went wrong, and try again, perhaps you will fail again, perhaps not, but if you do again you will at least have failed better and that too is progress. And your mum might get off your case.

And another thing even the most disappointing cakes tend to taste OK as pudding (puddings seem to be unknown in some benighted cultures where they are called 'dessert course') with cream, custard or ice cream.

Thank you for this. I am starting to realise that this might be the reality of the situation, that I have to accept that they aren't able to 'get it', but it is sad to think that. It is also difficult because they do not see our relationship in the same way and get upset with me when I keep things from them. But I think that is the best solution now.

I appreciate your point and I'm certainly not advocating telling the whole world as soon as I meet them! I basically tell nobody IRL anything about my MI issues because of bad experiences in the past...but I do still wish for 1 or 2 people in my life that I could be truly honest with and get support from. I am the type of person who will help others in any way that I can, I am regularly their 'armchair therapist', yet nobody is willing and able to offer me a bit of support now and again. I guess my only other option would be a therapist, but the cost is problematic...

Thank you for your reply!

*Willow*

Thank you for your reply! I am curious about your response though - why do you assume that this may happen "very often"? In the last, say, 50 times I have baked cakes, I have only need to throw 2 away - I do not see that as a regular occurrence. And that was because they were completely inedible - I have eaten many cakes that still tasted good despite them never going to win any beauty pageants! Please do not see this curiosity as confrontational because it most certainly isn't intended that way. It relates to my experience IRL though - people assume that I am being negative when I do not see myself as that, and so any feedback would be appreciated.

For example, if I said that I could NEVER run a marathon, I would consider that to be negative or pessimistic because I could run a marathon with dedication and the right training programme. However, if I said that I couldn't run a marathon TOMORROW, I do not consider that being negative, but being REALISTIC because I do not run at all and so would likely injure myself going straight to a marathon with no training. Now, to translate that metaphor to my real life, I feel that I am being realistic about feelings and situations, but others (incorrectly, I feel) interpret it as being pessimistic.

Seeing as the same kind of misinterpretations have happened in this thread, I am curious for, and would really appreciate, some feedback as to why, so that I could improve things both on PC and IRL. If I am using the 'wrong' words/not explaining myself properly (since it happens online too, it has to be more than just a body language issue), then I could try to improve that. However, if people are making assumptions based on their experiences (e.g. you assumed throwing cakes away was a regular occurrence for me, perhaps because this is your experience, or because this is a depression forum??), then I don't really know how I could change that??

Any feedback, and not just from ManOfConstantSorrow, would be appreciated.

*Willow*

WeepingWillow23 - I know how you feel. I have the same problem with my husband and daughter, something goes wrong, I express my emotions to them sad / frustrated / angry... whatever it may be and the response is mostly the same - here she goes again! It´s all going to fall apart, mark my words and so on and so forth.

When I questioned my husband about it he said that history had conditioned my family to seeing a negative emotion turning to anxiety, frustration, irritability and possible anger, withdrawn, sadness, depression. They knew that these situations / reactions / emotions were triggers for me to fall down a slippy slope. They were trying in their own way to help.

Your post title "Not 'allowed' to have negative feelings?? " made me chuckle as I feel that sooooo often. People want me to be "normal" but display a negative yet "normal" response that others frequently display makes me a monster? That is more harmful to me. That lack of trust from my nearest and dearest can really hurt and can sometimes lead to a rapid descent into a pit of dispair and depression cos I got it wrong again, didn´t try hard enough, was a total failure, no one understands me..... bed takes me, tears fall and they smugly say "I told you so".

As a parent I have to say that all kids and parents have different views on life and acceptable behaviour, even families with no hint of depression. As a parent I know I get on my daughters back for things she doesn´t deserve but it´s because I love her and want to protect her and she will always be my baby no matter how much she grows up and how old she gets, she´s still my baby. Your parents have stood by you for 8 years, they sound like good people to me. I believe they are just scared, worried, concerned and wanting the best for you. I know that wont help right now, but maybe you could speak to them. Ask them to ask you a simple question, maybe "are you coping ok with the emotion of anger / disappointment / sadness or would you like some help?". Promise to be honest and let them help but ask them to respect your answer. If you are feeling like it´s knocked you a bit, let them in, let them help, they´ve proved their worth over the last 8 years. But if you are feeling ok about the emotion, ask them to lay off you and just experience the moment with you, sympathise with you then move on. Ask them to respect your achievements since last summer and review their reactions to situations the way you have.

I hope you manage to work things out and keep yourself balanced. I get the feeling of frustration you must get when the lecture comes from your parents as my husband does the same to me. You´ve been successful and they need time to adjust I think.

Just my thought and hope I don´t upset anyone with what I write....

My experience with my parents has been similar to this. I'm sorry, but I don't know what to do because I'm in the same place you are. All I can offer you is empathy.

Have been there, so I think I have some understanding of what you are going through. Hope you find a solution that suits you regarding your relationship to your parents!

When it comes to friends I never tell. I told once and that one time was enough to scare me away from ever doing it again.

One failures per 25 cakes is pretty good I think. If you have no failures you are not being ambitious enough in your cake making. Then again what constitutes a cake failure? In my book it is that even the dog runs from it. Others might feel that a sunken or raised boiled middle, some uncooked bits, burnt areas are unacceptable. Not me I still eat the cake. It is not a success, it is a failure, and a glorious one at that, and opportunity to redeem myself by eating the cake to show I have resilience, and perseverance beyond that found in the common run of men. Even the resulting gut ache is insufficient to shake my invincible faith in myself.

To get away from the technicalities of cake making, I am uncertain why you make a big deal of parental concern. If your emotional state is stable would you not just laugh it off? Well, sometimes things get to you of course.

I am just saying that if on reflection your annoyance with your parents is disproportionate it might be well to consider why that might be.

On the other hand you may consider your reaction proportionate, only you can tell, and one can only sympathise with what must be a tiresome situation.

I kind of know what you mean - if I am the tiniest bit tetchy herself calls me 'grumpy bear', and that makes me, well, slightly grumpy. But after three or four days of having sharp words with the cat and putting my wife out in the garden...just kidding, I have learnt to handle this constructively.

I can understand what you mean. Often times I would tell my mom I felt really upset or angry about something, and all she would ask is "have you taken your pills?"

Like ANY normal human negative experience or emotion can be chalked up to not having enough meds. Pills don't magically fix things like not having any friends, or money, or someone who's genuinely supportive rather than just paranoid or dismissive. She's been better about it lately though.