[dexter]

I'm still struggling greatly and in a lot of emotional pain every day.

I have still been able to drag myself in to work every day. I'm making a lot of mistakes there but doing most of my job. Some days I melt down and cry and sometimes get angry at my manager for trying to help.

Last night was our company holiday party. I told them weeks ago I would not be attending. Some days I can pretend to be OK at work but I can't try to carry that over into an evening with my coworkers.

So last night I went to Manhattan instead and met with some of my other friends there. They all know I am struggling with a relapse of depression. I was able to eat at a diner with them, probably had more to eat than I've had the last few weeks combined.

So here's the rub. I've been struggling to figure out what triggered this, but I know full well what triggered this, I have a trigger at work. With someone I work with.

I don't think anyone there knows or sees or could guess. I've told them that I think my current state is related to other issues.

Today I was out on a call to a client with some other coworkers and lo and behold I had a much better day and was able to eat a full meal at a diner with them. I became symptomatic again when we returned to the shop, specifically when I returned to my department where this person works with me.

I'm trying to work around it but obviously it is one thing I can't discuss with them.

I'm stillw orking on finding a new T and hoping that talking with them will help me resolve this.

In the meantime I'm trying to find a balance with this coworker but although not everyone knows I'm suffering depression everyone knows that SOMETHING is going on with me due to my behavior and for example not going to the holiday party.

And today I realized that my behavior is exacorbating the trigger and making things much worse... Making things even more of a triggering effect.

[Rohag]

Any possibility of an internal transfer that would put some distance between you and this person?

[Fizzyo]

❤️

[dexter]

No it is a small company in a small building.

Got through the day today better, but felt a bit traumatised at the end of the day, looking at a long anxious weekend.

[Fizzyo]

You survived the weekend. thinking of you.

[dexter]

Thank you Fizzyo. I was actually on the online crisis hotline for a little while. I'm going to try to leave the house and get something to eat. If I can make it through to Sunday night cartoons and The Good Wife I think I'll be OK until tomorrow.

[Fizzyo]

Good plan.
I'm glad you phoned them (sorry that you needed to) please stay as safe as you can.

[dexter]

I actually tried the online crisis hotline in the links here. I'm not real successful with the phone... This worked well and I'm going to keep it in my arsenal of tools.

[dexter]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Any possibility of an internal transfer that would put some distance between you and this person?

To be a little bit more forthcoming... This particular case isn't someone I want to get away from, it is someone I would like to be closer to.

He's very friendly, we share a lot of interests and have bonded over that, I've been training him and I enjoy working with him, and we've even had some time together strickly as friends outside of work.

But now it is serving to remind me how lonely I am that I don't have someone like him as someone special in my life, and the depression is making me isolate myself from him and my other coworkers, and then I get jealous when I see him talking to other people because the depression makes me think unreasonable thoughts, and it is a big vicious cycle.

And although I've been open about my situation with my manager and my boss, I certainly can't let this specific bit of information leak to them (I'm suprised they haven't figured it out but I guess I've been hiding it well... or I've been such a mess overall that it blends in with everything else) which is why I'm hoping I can find a T and someone professional to discuss this with.

It's been eating me up inside though so I thought maybe I should be honest about it here. I hope that wasn't a mistake.

[Fizzyo]

You can be honest here, I have found this community to be non judgmental and accepting and I hope this has been your experience too.

Please keep posting if it helps. Don't forget the PM option too.

(Apologies if I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs)

[dexter]

Thanks Fizzyo. I wasn't really reluctant to share that info I'm just reluctant to put it into writing. If someone from work should see it I worry about the consequences. I had to work closely with him for a while today and he is nothing but warm and friendly to me... The bastard.

I was able to make another call to a potential T. Left a message, no call back but maybe because today is a holiday. I plan to try to call him again tomorrow... His office is not far and I liked his voice on his answering machine. Silly the things I'm making judgements on. But I hope to be able to find someone to talk to about this.

In the meantime this situation is very similar to what happened to me the first time my depression took over my life. That ended badly and I didn't speak to the guy for 10 years. We haven't seen each other but he is part of a group that had a reunion at the end of December so I knew I would have to face him... I decided to apologize to him (I was really nasty to him and pushed him away) and it went so well and we are good friends again. He's married now and his wife is a gem as well and has encouraged me to be open about my current situation.

If I can't find a T right away I'm hoping I can meet with him again and tell him what's going on here as he is one person who will understand and I think be supportive. I'm even very open to the idea of discussing it with him and his wife.

I do not, however, want to put him in a position where he or they feel responsible for my well being. I would really like to talk to them but would really like to have a T in place first so that it isn't like I'm putting a burden on them in lieu of getting professional help.

He's a doctor now and turns out she's a social worker so I could do worse in terms of finding someone to talk to... Still I don't want to make them proxies for a professional therapist tasked with my care.

Glad you found your way through the weekend, Dexter!

[dexter]

Thank you Onward. I made plans for next weekend that I think will keep me healthy on Saturday, but now worried that those plans may be snowed out.

[dexter]

I was able to talk to him again a little today and as a result he is coming over after work tomorrow for a visit. Don't know if I'm torturing myself but hoping we can still be friends. I can still be friends. I honestly can't tell if he has any clue how I feel about him. My concern is for my own stability and ability to keep working.

[Fizzyo]

Best of luck Dexter, I really hope you can work something out!
Thinking of you.

[dexter]

And yes he cancelled on coming over tonight so I am alone again.

And it seems pretty definite that the weekend plans are snowed out. Timing for the blizzard is dead on and if it doesn't hit my home town it is going to hit our destination hard.

AND I finally on the third day of calling the third or fourth doctor, connected with him. He does not take my insurance AT ALL yet I found him through my insurance website.

Called the fourth or fifth on the list, left a message, no return.

Dexter, sorry if this a "duh" question, but can you afford to see a therapist on your own dime -- at least in the short-term? You are really in need and I would hate to see an issue of insurance stand in your way. Also, you could ask if they have a sliding scale. Or perhaps a reduced fee for skyping.

Does your employer offer Employee Assistance Program (EAP?) If so, EAP has a toll free number and they will take the lead in identifying a provider for you. It does not require an individual's insurance, as EAP is contracted direct by an employer.

One last question (which you don't have to answer directly) - when you are calling these therapists and leaving messages, are you stating that you are "in crisis" or "in near-crisis?" That is the terminology that MI professionals recognize for understanding the urgency of your need. They should be very quick to reply, even if it's just their office help getting back with you.

Just trying to help.

[dexter]

I can't afford it on my own, I"m barely making ends meet and I'm not even sure I can afford my copay but I have to try. Trying to arrange something on my own on a sliding scale, I don't think I have the wherewithall, I'm barely managing to get up the energy to make these calls from my insurance list.

I pulled a whole bunch of new names to try but I can only work up the energy every few days and I think I'm spent this week... However my energy ebbs and flows so I'm bringing the list in today and I'll see if I the stars align.

I have been afraid to say I'm "in crisis" not wanting someone to say they aren't taking new patients but then feeling obligated to admit me to the hospital. However just saying "in crisis" sounds like a good way to prompt a call back. I think I have been saying that I'm seriously suffering, not really sure what my exact language has been in the messages but I should try this next call.

Thank you Onward.

[dexter]

Three more calls and one more returned call. The returned call isn't taking new patients as he is leaving town until Mid March. I really appreciated him calling instead of leaving me hanging. Also he doesn't take my insurance, never has... So how did I get his name from the insurance website? He said sometimes insurance companies pad their list of doctors so that the provider list looks more appealing. ISN'T THAT FRAUD??

New calls: one-phone line disconnected.

two and three, left messages, using the "I'm in crisis" language that Onward suggested. No response from either.

I have a few more names to call and a suggestion from the callback on how to get a more accurate insurance list.

Thanks for the support everyone and for the suggestions Onward. Today was horrible I could barely function. I didn't even see everyone leave work and I ended up alone there after hours finishing up. I don't know how I'm going in every day. I sat in my car in the cold after locking up contemplating driving straight into traffic at high speed without stopping. Not to worry I drove home safely like I always do, I wouldn't do that, was just thinking about it.

[Rohag]

Thank you for these updates, Dexter. They document the reality of what it takes to get help.

Originally Posted by dexter

He said sometimes insurance companies pad their list of doctors so that the provider list looks more appealing.

Wishing you strength for the weekend, or for each hour of the weekend as necessary.

[dexter]

Thank you Rohag. I got a little bit of sleep but now I'm up again. I have snow to keep me occupied for part of the day tomorrow when I feel like getting dressed.

I had such a difficult day today.

As I said I'm trying hard to force myself not to isolate myself by trying to talk to coworkers, but some days I'm in so much pain that I can't do anything but sit at my desk with my head down, or if I try to talk I feel like I am doing more harm by alienating my coworkers. As I said, no one even said goodbye to me today, earlier in the afternoon I gave a bit of group training and I don't think I was very pleasant in my presentation.