What happened to me by 17?

I’m 17. I have some good things going for me. I speak several languages, I flatter people easily, I dress well… But I feel dead inside. I am lonely, and I accepted it indefinitely both for selfish and benevolent reasons. I am cynical, in a sort of opti-pessimism (I appreciate things the way they are because I know they could always (or will always) get worse). This philosophy justifies my seclusion. I go on with life stoically, and it works. But when my “depression” (it feels wrong to call it this because I know I’m not in such a dark place as so many poor souls here) strikes, I can’t do what I need to do: study, work on Model UN or things I am interested in…

I live in a high-academic pressure community. Lots of peer pressure. This combines badly with my desire for greatness in life (what I mean by this is achieving a high position for a good cause). I feel like I would rather die than be mediocre – my mom tells me basically that it would be okay while my “ambitious” classmates take on so much stress and go on smiling that I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. My parents recently separated, and we were in a stressful, crappy military situation for most of my childhood, but I don’t think this much stress could have come from that alone. Basically, I want to know what’s wrong with me, why do I feel like this for a healthy 17-year old boy?

Hi Shanghaicloud,

I'm very sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds a little bit like how I felt age 17.

It sounds as if you're very hard on yourself. You had a tough time growing up, and recently so you're entitled to feel down.

Your Mom is right, you are a human being, and, therefore as valuable as anyone else on this planet, whether you get top grades or not.

Be kind to yourself as best as you can, YOU DESERVE IT.

Thanks for the reply. I'm a cynical and pragmatic person, and perhaps that is why I would come off as cold on a personal level, but I have a hard time believing that "everyone on this plant matters." I'm not just hard on myself, I'm hard on humanity. There are too many people in this world that don't make a single difference if they are alive or dead. So many people have died in the past few minutes and it there is no difference to world politics, economics, science, security, or any other good cause. Perhaps I am terrified of falling into that category and determined to do everything to reach my goal. I do not want happiness, friendship, and relationships (or at least I don't strive for them), all I care about is making a difference between the time I was born and the time I die. But my self-doubt and inexplicable semi-depression undermine me from the start. I don't do any sports and take only 2 AP classes, neither in STEM, so I don't know why I am so much behind the curve in Northern VA.

I empathize completely. Peers just go along with their accelerated or AP classes while I'm still kind of struggling making it through a day, let alone a class. My mom places basically all of my value on my grades, so I understand where you're coming from when you say there's a lot of pressure to succeed. I want the best for myself as well, but when you can't even fulfill your own happiness it's hard to try to accomplish larger tasks. I know how it feels to appear completely together but be anything but. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

Ah, don't underestimate the difference 1 person can make even at the smallest level . . . whereas One Big Contribution is great, Many Little Contributions is what moves society forward. And, the One Big Contribution cannot occur independently of the little ones.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do great things. While you are striving towards that, you owe it to yourself to also find interests that just bring about a basic sense of pleasure. These things are not mutually exclusive. And a human brain needs the balance. I believe your "semi-depression" is mislabeled "ennui" . . . resulting from a lack of engagement in life's various pleasures outside of academics.

Ponder this . . . how many who have reached greatness have done so without friendships and relationships?

So sorry about your parents' separation.

Thanks for replying. The problem with me is that I am the one who places all emphasis on my grades. The reason for this is because the last two years, I got very good grades after working my rear end off, but I considered my grades to be the only thing good about me. I have nothing to offer to a friendship/relationship, I'm out of shape, I play no sports or something like that... But I had good grades and a GPA I could count on. This year, (it got better the last few months) I was still working very hard but got mediocre results - basically losing the only thing good about me. That's why I went into a much darker place than I typically was.

I had suicidal thoughts throughout high school, though I never actually wanted to take my own life (at first, too much fear of going to Hell. Now, I'm just curious whether things might sort themselves out like everyone claims). It got worse for a while, but I'm still at the point where I wouldn't fight a painless demise if it came to me and I dread tomorrow. It comforts me that nothing lasts forever.

Thank you. I gave up on relationships initially out of defeat and the desire not to tarnish others' lives. I consider it a service not to spread my misery to others. More pragmatically, I think relationships would be a distraction to my personal cause, and would inevitably collapse to drive me into a deep, inescapable depression. I know this by constantly hearing about the traumas of couples that were seemingly meant for each other, but then they break to leave themselves weaker than ever before. I have a near-traditionalist reverence for what a relationship should be and believe that every successful one should end in marriage. But marriage itself is a trap...I don't think humans are built to be happy being together for 20-70 years at a time

I used to work with people with profound multiple disabilities, people who a lot of people would see as useless and unproductive, some even think they should 'not be allowed out' with carers to visit shops etc.

The thing these people taught me was to convince me that a person has intrinsic worth, whatever they can or cannot do. Every one touches someone. Some people choose to do bad things which can't be excused, but most of us do the best we can with what we have.

I'm not trying to convert you, but, although in some peoples eyes someone may be insignificant, they are, to me worth the same as the President of USA or our Queen, and have more impact on those closest to them than they will ever know. One of the most special people who affected my life to the good couldn't walk or talk but somehow she made my life better.

I send you best wishes, whatever you believe it's your right to do so.

Thank you for the insightful reply Everyone does have intrinsic worth, but not everyone can use it. These people you worked with only got to show their worth because you appeared there for them, like magic. That won't happen to me. What if there is no one around like that for those of us that do not achieve a projection of our worth like the President, Queen, wealthy people, happy people, people in relationships...?

That might not happen, though. It's just self-doubt. I shouldn't be indulging it, but hey, I'm a flawed human being...