[Taonuviel]

My evil old computer is dying. I just know it. And when it goes out, I don't know what I'll do. Urgh, I want to beat it to pieces! If it goes out I'm dead. It's my only real line of communication... I can't believe I got it to start up and go online now... took me 2 hours.
It's too much. Last night my "friend" was suicidal, I had to spend an hour frantically trying to get ahold of the people around her to make sure they knew and would watch her. Haven't heard from her today, or anyone there. I'm afraid for her. And if she's ok now, it won't be good if I lose contact with her because of this trash box. She'll probably think I killed myself. Then she might hurt herself. Urgh!
Told some people I'm suicidal today. They think I should try going back on medicine. I don't believe it'll help. Certainly not Zoloft - not going back on that. But I guess I'll see the doctor about it, maybe Paxil... isn't that for social anxiety or eating disorders too? Actually, I want the eating "disorder," so probably doesn't matter. I'm overweight - honestly, so I can stand to keep this up a while.
And my back is killing me - although unfortunately not literally. But I alternate between being frustrated with the injury and getting into my pain enjoyment mindset. But I guess that helps me hold off on full-out self-abuse, between refusing myself food and allowing preventable/stopable pain.
I think what really scares me is the idea of being "normal." I look at what the future might hold, don't see much positive to continue for, but do see possibilities I've never experienced - like relationships - and freak out. Makes me edgy on crisis. Rather just forget it all.
I think I need a cry... feeling emotional and stressed. Maybe it'll help me sleep.

[Rapunzel]

I really can relate to your post. I alternate between things too, including pain enjoyment, excessive exercising (to the point of sore muscles, but it's getting harder to get sore muscles now), not eating, SI, and eating way too much chocolate. Sometimes I think that I can give up one self-destructive behavior, but it always gets replaced by another one, and then the original one comes back too, so I just have more to keep up with. You said that the idea of being "normal" scares you. That sounds familiar too. Sometimes I think I can't give up my pathologies because I would lose my identity, or because those are the only interesting things about me.

Anyway, you're not alone in having experienced those feelings. I really hope that you feel better. It doesn't have to stay that bad. Reach out to people, like you are here, but don't forget in real life too. Getting out and around people really helps. Another thing that helps is having some kind of goal for the future. What would you like to do with your life? You don't have to get there immediately, but keep that goal in mind and take a step towards it. If something makes you freak out, then maybe it is too much for now. Try to find out what it is that scares you about it (therapy can help), and back off when you need to.

Medication can help, but sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right one for you. You are right about the same medications being used for other problems besides depression, such as social anxiety, eating disorders, and even quitting smoking and PMS. If you are overweight, Welbutrin might be one to consider, as it increases energy and decreases appetite, but if you are already restricting your eating then it might not be a good choice. Different people experience various side-effects particular to the specific meds, so just keep trying until you find what is right for you.

I really hope that you feel better very soon.

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>