Still struggling

I know i keep saying the same things, but i need to say it.
I'm still struggling, hurting, in so much pain.
I wish there was a way to stop all this.

Sinking, yes, i have had such depression i felt like i was being pulled into a black hole that kept spiraling downhill, bottomless. I lost a dear friend and it lasted for about 4 months straight. Then one night before bed I prayed God please help me, lift the pain of the loss. I had a vision that night of my friend who died. She was aglow in white and in the middle of a room of friends. I turned to tell them she was alive not dead and i turned back and she was gone. I went to wake up but i could not, the room was bright light like the sun. And a peace filled my heart and i felt weightless. I knew she was in Paradise in peace. The next morning the depression lifted to never return. It was a miracle and i thanked the Father for it. I only know that for me a heart felt prayer worked, it was heard. The person i lost was my spiritual mother. I have since recovered and it still lingers the dream or open vision that i had. I hope this helps you. blessings and tc

Thank you. you gave e hope. unfortunately i dont believe in god, but i still hope this depression will lift soon, hopefully in a night.

meanwhile im still hurting so much and i dont know what to do.

I've found some peace in Buddhist philosophy. My depression episodes are usually triggered by loneliness or various emotional triggers. I'm not a true believer in any faith and I would certainly never try to convert anyone, but I've found some measure of peace by letting things be.

I've been this depressed for about a month now. not that i was happy before but at least i managed to sleep and not cry every day. this month has been so hard and it doesnt seem it will get better soon. tonight i almost didnt sleep at all in spite of the meds and now im already on the edge.
there must be something or someone who can help me, right? there must be something that can be done to lift this depression. i cant imagine going on like this much longer....
im tired of hurting and struggling like this every day

Exactly what you are explaining started for me last year, in December. After numerous inpatient stays thru 2015, I am finding myself worse than I was a year ago. It's scary, and when I read your post I could sympathize with you so much. I wish I had an answer, maybe it would work for me too.

yes, the inpatient stays killed me. i am so depressed i dont want to do anything except stay with my mom that i see as my savior for some reason, maybe because she is the only thing i care about. i just cried because she left and went to work. i cant go on like this...

you are ok...I think its good that you can cry

Yes, its good, but i feel like i'm going crazy. I'm overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings and pain.

it will change...just let it keep coming...don't fight it...it will come and go

A bad month feels like years!! That doesn't mean it will last forever. That's the first lie depression tries to convince us of.
Even if 'well' isn't great for you, it's better than now and most likely will come back.

Let yourself cry when you need to, it is a release and can help you cope. Try not to be angry with yourself for crying, it's a sign of pain, not weakness.

It sounds like you're a survivor. While your Mom is at work, if it gets really bad, call a helpline.
I pnoned the Samaritans today and a lovely person was there for me, he didn't judge or pretend everything would be OK, but helped me get it out of my system and calm down and I feel a lot better this evening.

Be kind to yourself, YOU deserve it

I hope so much it will come and go, Little Turtle, right now it doesnt feel its going to happen...

Yes, a bad month feels like years, especially when i have never felt that good for the last 10 years. now it just got worse.

i'll try to distract myself more today. but its still a struggle. i dont understand why this is happening....

it is so painful sinking...it is awful...it is terrible....but it will change...just let it come...try not to fight....I was where you are...and I am glad I didn't kill myself...books by dr Claire Weekes helped me some...I was sure I was going crazy.......I was so nervous....I would cry and scream ....I am glad that you are being open here...it is ok

You said you weren't happy before either. Maybe it is necessary that you feel your pain?
I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Gone through lots of painful stuff too here
Cry as much as you need to, and find ways to express yourself, no matter what it is you are feeling.

and sinking-----I have found for me that moving around frequently during the day has helped some....and practicing slow breathing calms me down some.....I get beside myself with nervous stuff...that Claire weekes wrote a long time ago but she has some good ideas for you...

Little turtle, I try to do and move as much as i can but its not much, i know i'd need more movement, i hope when the job restarts next week that it will help. I'll check on Clairee weekes, thanks.

Littleowl, yes, maybe i need to feel my pain, but its SO painful! i hate crying so i try to avoid it. some days i manage to not cry but the pain is always there, maybe even more powerful when i dont cry...

today is a long hard day, if only i could sleep it off... i hate living so many painful hours a day. sometimes im afraid im going crazy for good. i hate this situation, these feelings, this pain. i truly hate them all so much. i cant let it come. im fighting. im fighting. and its so exhausting.

tomorrow im seeing my good T after a month, but i have lost faith he can do anything to help me. i have lost faith in everything, meds, docs, life...

Claire Weeks talks sense.

It's important that you can feel and express how you feel. The more you bottle it up, the more intense it becomes. In psychology I was taught to recognise emotions as just emotions which come and go but also are a way to communicate with yourself about how you are, if ignored, they shout louder to get your attention. Also the body's reactions to emotions can be scary, pounding heart, nausea, shaking etc. They are, however, harmless, however unpleasant they are. Your body can cope with these symptoms so if you can tolerate them they reduce over time.

I encourage you to cry whenever you have the privacy and urge to do so. You may not like them, but tears are healing.

From one cryer to another, hang on in there and allow your eyes to leak as much as they want to. A hard crying session is exhausting, but can leave you with a strange calmness which I believe is better than the bottled up state.

(((((((((((sinking))))))))))))

i always used to bottle it up and now its both positive and negative for me to let and allow myself to cry. its hard. its painful. and i dont feel much relief after crying. even though i know its good and better than keeping it inside. i have just cried in fact.

im scared for today, i have T at noon but also will be home alone the whole afternoon and im very scared by it. im scared to be alone and having nobody to contain my feelings. when im alone it feels like im going crazy...

any suggestion on what to do when you're alone at home with nothing to do? i almost feel panic about it.

Watching a series maybe? I distracted myself with Downton Abbey last summer when sh** hit the fan and I couldn't stand being alone and was crying all the time (feeling your pain)
Are you a reader? Book recommendations can be found on goodreads.com
Or watching an easy tv program to get your thoughts off the pain?
Recently someone told me they used colouring books for adults to calm down - also a nice option
I also like to listen to audiobooks or podcasts while cleaning, drinking tea or doing yoga exercises at home. When you need to get out of the house, take a little walk and count your steps. Then start counting something else and pay close attention to your surroundings - how many lampposts are there? How many cars? Do you hear birds/planes etc
I hope your appointment went well.

Thank you SO much Littleowl for your suggestions. i have completely forgotten about tv. it was one of my favorite hobbies, watching tv series, and now with depression i dont find it as enjoyable as before so i have stopped watching them, but it would still be better than walking back and forth in my room going crazy or laying down in bed desperate because alone. i have tried walking but it was agony for me, but with the right weather it could be nice again maybe. thank you so much for your practical suggestions!

the appointment went well. he explained to me why im reacting like this (i need to grow up - said in a gentle tone) and tried to suggest some distractions too. it was not a disappointment like i feared it would be. i could feel he cares and that was already a lot for me. next appt in 2 weeks and im happy about it.

Do you have any thing like drawing, word puzzles, you are very good at language so crosswords, recently in uk there has been a fashion for colouring books for adults, some are quite complex. I know people who find them very soothing and a good distraction. I met someone who took it a stage further and would paint instead of colour pencils. Walk around the block (or further) take a puzzle and sit in the shopping centre so you can see people, you can get large dot to dot pictures which look very good when finished but don't need much concentration, even read a book somewhere. I have a lot of different activities that I can do and try to have them where I can get them easily so I can swap from one to another. If I don't feel like doing anything, I make myself do something anyway. I always go outside at least once every day, or I would be even more depressed.

Just one or two ideas, the trick is to have lots of things, some harder and some easier so there's always something I can manage (unless I'm so bad I have to phone a helpline)! Spending time on PC is very important to keep me more positive.

Thank you Fizzyo, you gave me good examples and suggestions and i like the trick of having different things to do accordingly to what you can manage doing. my favorite thing to do is spending time on pc too. but i can get tired and bored of it too. i cant enjoy activities much lately. i'll have to force myself to do something too. thank you