Rant Moan Groan...and a bad mum

Why do people keep telling me I'm a ggod mum? If I was a good mother I wouldn't have 1 child in foster care and have nothing to give the other. Poor wee girl- I feel really sorry for her. She wants my attention; she wants me to play with her and read her stories and I just can't even be bothered. I love her, but the bond that I have worked so hard on building up with her over the past 13 mths isn't there (for me). I feel like I am her nanny, and even at that a terrible nenny whom I would never let step foot in my door. I do the basics with her, and I do spend time reading her stories, and a very minimal time playing with her but I just can't find it within me to do much more. As my mood slips further and further down, and as I push myself more and more to keep going, the energy is just being zapped right out of me. I am sorry for all the negative posts recently- it's just that that is how my life feels like right now. Having Chloe being taken away was the last straw, although I know I should be pleased that no2 hasn't been taken. If she was then, oh my goodness what a mess there would be... I feel like I have hurt the girls so much. Chloe is such an angry, frustrated, frightened wee thing right now, and the o nly way I can make it better in my eyes is by self destructive behaviours (so I can physically feel the pain that is torturing her emotionally), and enjoying the whopping 4-5 hours I get with her on a Friday. I need to punish myself for all I have done to her and put her through. What good mother could possibly do that to her children??? As I go down and down I close myself up more, and isolate myself more. I can hardly talk to my nurse, and I am even avoiding chat (sorry ppl!!) coz I can't face anyone like this. Oh well, that was my moan for the day. I hope your day is brighter than mine!

It's important for you to be able to see the girls first and be there for them whenever the system lets you. You can be a safe loving parent and you need to act the part and the rest will come. Good luck.

Hang in there Irishsj. Children end up in foster care for many reasons not just bad parenting.

when a child has behavior problems its not always the parents fault. I had a caseworker that tried to blame all my childs problems on me and now it turns our he has amental disorder that is a chemical imballance of the brain problem. Yes IU did not do everything perfect and no parent is a perfect one but no parenting skills good or bad can prevent or fix the kids of violent behaviors that my child has. I could have been the best parent on earth and my child would still be diagnosed with what he has been diagnosed as. The best parenting in the world would not have made him not think his dead father told him to hide my keys in a hole in the ground, or other hallucinations and so on that they are taking care of in residential treatment and therapeutic foster care. When he was home with me at age 9 he was stronger than me and beating me up. I was a walking bruise from head to toes literally. Hes now a teen ager and at least as tall as I am and double the weight when he was 9. From what I know now from reading his therapy reports that my lawyer recieves its a very good chance that if he was home in one of his rages or hallucinations and so on he could and probably would accidentally or meaning to kill me or our family cat. No parenting in the world can change that. even with a therapeutic foster home he cannot be maintained very long without inpatient care of the residential treatment centers.

Don't take all the blame on yourself no matter who tells you, that you are to blame because you are not. children like ours just need the extra mental health care that you and I can't provide for 24/7.

Hi chicky. Hey I'm another kiwi. I'm here for you. It sounds like you are feeling so so troubled at the moment. I think it's like so many people who visit this site!! I am not a mother, i'm just a 21 year old girl from Auckland (North Shore). I'm not doing that well either. I couldn't imagine losing children and how devastating that must be! I am so sorry to hear about that. I hope and wish for all the good things in the world for you! It's so nice to hear from another kiwi! And when i was just feeling like i was on an island unto my own! I felt so isolated! Anyway, I don't think you're a bad mum. I think you are doing what you can and getting help. I think that's the best thing you could be doing for your children. I am hopeful for you and am wishing for you a bright day. A day when you can look up and see that things are ok. I know it's very hard, and i'm hoping this for myself as well, and for many people on this site. My thoughts are with you. Love and heaps of hugs from Sezzie!

I had this thought last night:- I am not living as such. I am only existing. I need a huge shock to the system to get me from the 'existing coz I have to' to the 'living life' stage. I don't know how or where that's gonna come from but it better be soon...

I just discovered today that alot of what I'm feeling is becoz of my PTSD. I was diagnosed with it about 5 years ago, but at that stage knew very little about it, and pretty much ignored the diagnosis. Today, looking at all the factors influencing how I feel, it became very apparent that my PTSD is attacking me full throttle. So at least I kinda have some explanation for some of the blackness I am in, and it makes me feel just that teeniest bit better knowing that!