[dexter]

so i'm still preping for tomorrow, i'm quite behind schedule because my knees hurt so much and i'm trying to do thing in between trips to the porcelain embassy. i made my soup and couldn't carry it upstairs to eat because my legs hurt so much. i finally got it up there slowly without spilling/burning myself and i'm just kind of creeped out here tonight.

and the saga goes on... not with daddy dearest but with that other guy who pushes my buttons... more hopeful visits broken with reasonable excuses, yet he seems to make his other things on time. it just kind of set me off. i'm going to try to relax with my nice clear soup and more pooping. (still have to take another dose at 6:00... oops it is already 6:30 and i haven't eaten yet. I doubt this will be a problem because my appt is in the afternoon instead of the morning.)

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--http://www.idexter.com

[jbug]

Dexter what are they testing you for that makes you have too clean out the bowels? I kind of envy you being able to poop.

Don't Blame me I just do what the Voices Tell me to do

[dexter]

>> I kind of envy you being able to poop

That's funny because a few months ago I was constipated and I was revelling in it. Most of my life goes in the other direction and to experience the opposite is like a highlight. It certainly depends on what you are "used to"

I'm having a colonoscopy tomorrow, I have them often and they are no big deal. The prep is more annoying than the procedure. Most of the time I sleep through the whole thing. Last time was the first time I stayed awake and it still wasn't bad at all.

But this time with the depression and the arthritis it is a much different deal. I underestimated when I spoke before, I'm in really really bad shape tonight. The arthritis is making the constant trips to the bathroom very painful and I still have maybe a half hour to an hour until things "settle down". And mostly it is really just triggering me right back into the illness mindset of when I was young and very ill (I have colitis). It is a disease with a huge emotional factor, in addition to the stress triggers when you are ill your world changes, there is a tremendous fear of being away from a "comfortable" (i.e. familiar) bathroom so travelling becomes fearful, and in the heat of it you are so weak and both emotionally and physically exhausted by the trips to the bathroom. You sit there for sometimes hours without any clear "signal" that it's over, and when you decide it is time to get up half the time the act of standing opens you up again for the next bout. When you finally do manage to get out and back to bed very often you have to get up again in just a few minutes... so you can't even follow a story on tv or relax or anything. You are physically exhausted from lack of sleep, emotionally very fragile, weak from lack of eating, and very frightened.

And even though I know that this is unrelated to that, in that this is a controlled reaction and will be OVER tomorrow, it seems that this time all of my childhood fears are back.

I'm hoping really that I will just be drained enough emotionally to fall right to sleep tonight and sleep through the night. Once the medicine runs through the bathroom trips should stop, unlike the experience of the real illness.

Tommorrow I will probably be whipped so don't be surprised if I don't log on at all tomorrow after the morning. Friday I hope to be more back to myself.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

I had very disturbing nightmares again last night, unusual ones as well. In one of them I was a young girl in the middle of a battle of racism, EXTREMELY strange for me. Maybe I was channeling someone else's dreams last night.

I'm up a little earlier than I had hoped and I'm fighting the urge to have a glass of milk or pop a candy bar by accident. Maybe if I feel OK I will treat myself to a Krispy Kreme at Penn Station on the way home, it will pass the time if I have to wait for a train. Maybe even some decaf coffee or something, which I have been staying away from for a long time (even the tiny bit of caffeine in decat sometimes effects me, so I'll have to decide).

A few hours to kill before the train and I'm am already pretty weak from hunger. As I said once I am there I will be alright, as the test itself doesn't bother me, getting home will be a chore because I'll be even more tired and stressed, and once I am home I hope I can really enjoy myself. If I have the energy maybe I'll take a bubble bath. More likely eat and then sleep.

It is very unusually to be so stressed out over this.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Fuzzybear]

Good luck Dave, I hope everything goes ok. Really pamper yourself when you get home, you deserve it! ((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))

[inkblot]

Re: You sit there for sometimes hours without any clear "signal" that it's over, and when you decide it is time to get up half the time the act of standing opens you up again for the next bout.

I know you didn't intend to say something funny, but I had to laugh reading your reply and the whole description. I'm sure many of us can relate, LOL! I've been there--I have stomach problems for years and IBS. When my stomach is bad, so is the IBS and I'll be having alot of pain and spasms. I've had a sigmoidoscopy before, and compared that to having a baby. At least that's what I felt like afterward. I've known a few people with colitis and how awful it can be for them. Hugs go out to you!

[alm15]

I hope you are doing well. The combination of arthritis, stress and constant trips to the pot sounded aweful. I hope you are getting some good tlc. My best wishes are with you! Annie

[Nerak]

Hope all goes well at the doctor and be sure to take that bubble bath :-)

(((((((((dexter)))))))))



Take time just for you.

Karen

[heatherm]

((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))

I have been thinking of you....how did you make out at the doctors? I hope you are taking extra good care of yourself today. You deserve it hun.


Heather

[dexter]

I am exhausted today.

Quick update... getting to the doc was difficult because of the hunger and stress but the appointment itself was fine like it always is. I left with Krispy Kreme on the brain but couldn't make it past the hotdog vendor just outside the doc's office (actually I've been having a craving for a vendor hotdog for about a month now and although I was afraid it would not be a good idea on an empty stomach the urge to indulge the craving overrode that). Then I did get a Krispy at the station. And got a stomach ache on the way home . So I felt crappy by the time I got home so to compensate I had some ice cream and chocoalte milk. What a way to pleasure myself and punish myself at the same time! I know better but I just didn't have the strength to resist. I did have a tunafish sandwich before I went to bed.

I'm up late today and I took my meds but I'm going back to bed for a while. I'm still really tired and today I just feel like it is OK to stay in bed and recover. I'm not going to make a point of staying in bed, just going back to bed now and I'll get up whenever I am ready, be that in another two hours or late this evening if that's what my body wants. If I'm up I'll go to my Friday group but I'm not going to push it tonight.

I'll have test results in one week.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[inkblot]

Pleasure and punish yourself all you want--sounds great to me! Glad you're okay!

[alm15]

Hi Dex! I'm glad your being gentle with yourself! Good for you! I'm sending healing thoughts your way! Annie

[Nerak]

Glad the test went ok - take it easy and get some rest



Take time just for you.

Karen

[(JD)]

..just wanted to let you know I'm reading...

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>