[DechanDawa]

I have been trying to heal naturally from depression. Since the new year it has gotten worse and now because of life stress it has become severe.

In the past I have gotten through depression, and stressful life situations. I always feel like I can't cope but somehow I manage.

I have never been hospitalized.

However, now that I am in this severe depression, and with a lot of stress, I can't see how I am going to cope.

I did it before but I don't know how. I don't remember how I managed to cope except for one thing.

I remember I would tell myself to just hang on hour by hour. I would tell myself I just had to survive one hour at a time and not do anything foolish.

That's absolutely the only thing I can recall about how I coped.

Right now I am in severe mental pain. I am not on any medications and do not have a therapist.

Please leave a comment.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I have been trying to heal naturally from depression. Since the new year it has gotten worse and now because of life stress it has become severe.

In the past I have gotten through depression, and stressful life situations. I always feel like I can't cope but somehow I manage.

I have never been hospitalized.

However, now that I am in this severe depression, and with a lot of stress, I can't see how I am going to cope.

I did it before but I don't know how. I don't remember how I managed to cope except for one thing.

I remember I would tell myself to just hang on hour by hour. I would tell myself I just had to survive one hour at a time and not do anything foolish.

That's absolutely the only thing I can recall about how I coped.

Right now I am in severe mental pain. I am not on any medications and do not have a therapist.

Please leave a comment.

I'm sorry that you're battling depression.

Your strategy of hanging on is a good one. It's like a tornado heading straight for your house. The goal is simply to survive. And after the tornado passes it's usually blue skies.

So hang on, my friend.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by kindness

I'm sorry that you're battling depression.

Your strategy of hanging on is a good one. It's like a tornado heading straight for your house. The goal is simply to survive. And after the tornado passes it's usually blue skies.

So hang on, my friend.

Thank you. It feels exactly as you describe. I will believe you.

[DechanDawa]

I quit smoking over a year ago. I can't seem to handle stress since I quit smoking.

[*Laurie*]

I strongly believe that you would benefit from medication.

I agree that you should consider medication.

CBT has been very helpful for me. How about getting yourself a CBT workbook?

I've had depression a couple of times in my life, used to say I would never try medication but this last time I decided to give a go. The Dr put it to me that if I had a headache I would take something for it so why view mental health differently. I was worried about side effects, a friend pointed out if I didn't take anything I would get no effect at all.

It's working really well for me. No nasty side effects. I feel normal again.

It's totally your choice, and I hope whatever you choose to do one way or another you will get to a better place soon.

Hi DechanDawa. I hear how much you are hurting from your recent posts. I wish I knew what to say here....some words of wisdom or common sense. Some direction or a recipe for improvement...I'm sorry I do not.
I wish there was some kind of magic formula that would fix, or even give you an instant break from depression, as pain killer does for chronic pain...just a day or an hour even. I think, if there was, we would have a renewed spirit to fight another day.

Perhaps medication is an idea to think about. It won't magically take it all away...nothing will, I think. But if you can just get by so that you CAN start to help yourself in other ways, then I know you have the strength make some really beneficial choices. I hear it in you. Then, when you can do that, you can reduce or eliminate the meds. I fully understand that it's trial and error, but I believe that there is hope in that. And hope is a kind of candle in the dark (for me, and I think for a lot of us)

Whatever you choose to do, please know that I wish for some improvement for you.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

I strongly believe that you would benefit from medication.

I tried medication this past August and had severe side effects that made everything worse. Some of us just can't do medications.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by rcat

I agree that you should consider medication.

CBT has been very helpful for me. How about getting yourself a CBT workbook?

Thanks. I attempted medication this past August and it made everything worse. Some of us don't benefit from medication. I have a CBT workbook.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I've had depression a couple of times in my life, used to say I would never try medication but this last time I decided to give a go. The Dr put it to me that if I had a headache I would take something for it so why view mental health differently. I was worried about side effects, a friend pointed out if I didn't take anything I would get no effect at all.

It's working really well for me. No nasty side effects. I feel normal again.

It's totally your choice, and I hope whatever you choose to do one way or another you will get to a better place soon.

Yours is the best case scenerio. I hope that it continues to work for you.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Hi DechanDawa. I hear how much you are hurting from your recent posts. I wish I knew what to say here....some words of wisdom or common sense. Some direction or a recipe for improvement...I'm sorry I do not.
I wish there was some kind of magic formula that would fix, or even give you an instant break from depression, as pain killer does for chronic pain...just a day or an hour even. I think, if there was, we would have a renewed spirit to fight another day.

Perhaps medication is an idea to think about. It won't magically take it all away...nothing will, I think. But if you can just get by so that you CAN start to help yourself in other ways, then I know you have the strength make some really beneficial choices. I hear it in you. Then, when you can do that, you can reduce or eliminate the meds. I fully understand that it's trial and error, but I believe that there is hope in that. And hope is a kind of candle in the dark (for me, and I think for a lot of us)

Whatever you choose to do, please know that I wish for some improvement for you.

Thank you. What you describe is the exact plan I had this past summer. But I had severe side effects from the SSRI including feeling suicidal, which wasn't even hpw I was feeling before going on the medication. It made everything worse. Then I decided to do a holistic path. I am really disappointed in this recent increase in depression. However, I want to thank you for your comments. You have a very kind manner and are very cozy and comforting.

[Skeezyks]

Hi DechanDawa: I'm so sorry you have fallen into this difficult period. I'm also not on any medication & I don't have a therapist. I have no family (other than my poor wife who just wants to believe everything is perfectly fine) & no friends... not even any acquaintances really at this point. So it's pretty-much just me alone battling on one day after another. Some days I do pretty well. Others are a real embarrassment. (I have been hospitalized... twice...)

Technically, I do still have a pdoc. But I made the decision, a while back, to only see him once a year, just to keep my foot in the door, so to speak. From time-to-time, when I'm struggling, I think that perhaps I should just break down & get back on some med's. But then I bear down & reaffirm my decision to just not go back there. As an alternative, I practice self-help techniques I learned reading Pema Chödrön's books... such practices as compassionate abiding, transmutation practice & tonglen (sending & taking). I also do allot of walking... both just walking our dog around the neighborhood & also walking meditation. Taken as a whole, it all seems to be keeping me going... at least so far...

Personally, I think the concept of: "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot & hang on..." is great for a while. But there's a point where it just becomes sort-of passively self-abusive. That's when it really seems to me, to become important to start thinking seriously about some sort of intervention. Also, I think one has to consider what one may be doing to loved ones if there are family members to be considered. One of the strongest arguments I've come up with in favor of reconsidering my decision not to be on med's is how my mental health issues may be affecting my wife. If it got to the point where I felt I was harming her emotionally, I would hope at least that I would run toward some sort of intervention.

I see where you wrote that you tried med's a while back & had a severe reaction. So, perhaps psych med's just aren't an option for you. Maybe some individual therapy or a partial hospital program, or similar sort of mental health service? I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will soon be able to find deep inner peace...

I am sorry about the side effects. I had them too but I had my husband keep my eye on me in case things declined rather than improved (which they did). I think it's important that someone monitor you, too. You can't always tell people how you are feeling.

Depression, for me at least, is ups and downs too. It sucks, frankly as time seems to crawl along when you are in any kind of pain, plus we lose sight of how bad we are...we lose objectivity when it comes to ourselves.

It sounds trivial to suggest that you indulge yourself in whatever way you can, in the mean time. Be online, have funny movies on (even if you don't actively watch, the noise is a distraction), avoid the news, get some lavender (I made linen spray with it), sleep, read, anything it takes to make the time move a little faster, Maybe research drugs? Try St Johns Wort? Sam-e?
Keep posting, please.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hi DechanDawa: I'm so sorry you have fallen into this difficult period. I'm also not on any medication & I don't have a therapist. I have no family (other than my poor wife who just wants to believe everything is perfectly fine) & no friends... not even any acquaintances really at this point. So it's pretty-much just me alone battling on one day after another. Some days I do pretty well. Others are a real embarrassment. (I have been hospitalized... twice...)

Technically, I do still have a pdoc. But I made the decision, a while back, to only see him once a year, just to keep my foot in the door, so to speak. From time-to-time, when I'm struggling, I think that perhaps I should just break down & get back on some med's. But then I bear down & reaffirm my decision to just not go back there. As an alternative, I practice self-help techniques I learned reading Pema Chödrön's books... such practices as compassionate abiding, transmutation practice & tonglen (sending & taking). I also do allot of walking... both just walking our dog around the neighborhood & also walking meditation. Taken as a whole, it all seems to be keeping me going... at least so far...

Personally, I think the concept of: "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot & hang on..." is great for a while. But there's a point where it just becomes sort-of passively self-abusive. That's when it really seems to me, to become important to start thinking seriously about some sort of intervention. Also, I think one has to consider what one may be doing to loved ones if there are family members to be considered. One of the strongest arguments I've come up with in favor of reconsidering my decision not to be on med's is how my mental health issues may be affecting my wife. If it got to the point where I felt I was harming her emotionally, I would hope at least that I would run toward some sort of intervention.

I see where you wrote that you tried med's a while back & had a severe reaction. So, perhaps psych med's just aren't an option for you. Maybe some individual therapy or a partial hospital program, or similar sort of mental health service? I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will soon be able to find deep inner peace...

Thank you for your thoughtful words. I agree with you about it being counter-productive to just keep waiting for things to get better. I have to move and rents are too high where I have lived for over 20 years. I am terrified of moving to a new community alone where I don't know anyone. Even though I don't have any close friends in this community right now I know a lot of people, and just feel comforted by the environment. So that is really what ticked off a worsening of my symptoms. In the best of times moving is something I don't do well. I also find living alone extremely stressful. Moving to a new city and living alone in a new city is something I did once when I was young, and it was extremely difficult. I am no longer young and I feel like it may be over-the-top stressful for me now. But I have no other options. So all these things are adding up. I have tried to reach out to friends and family long distance, especially six months ago when I was having trouble with the medication. People mostly just say go to the emergency room. That isn't really a solution, is it. I also read where a program of meditation and exercise reduces depression. It seems like that might be your management tool, as it does seem like you are managing quite well. Thank you for your comments.

[EnglishDave]

Hi Dechan,

Have you only tried one SSRI for a short period? The increased Depression/suicidal thoughts are a known side effect which should be monitored, but usually passes rapidly as the full effects of the med comes in around 6 weeks. It is usual to try several different ADs if you have problems as people have different tolerances and side effects to each med. It is partially due to these reasons that I have ended up on Mirtazapine - SSRI/SNRIs just don't work or affect me badly physically now.

While there are many self help and Therapy options you can explore, do not dismiss ADs so quickly. When you are gaining little from everything else, the right one is a blessing.

Dave.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Hi Dechan,

Have you only tried one SSRI for a short period? The increased Depression/suicidal thoughts are a known side effect which should be monitored, but usually passes rapidly as the full effects of the med comes in around 6 weeks. It is usual to try several different ADs if you have problems as people have different tolerances and side effects to each med. It is partially due to these reasons that I have ended up on Mirtazapine - SSRI/SNRIs just don't work or affect me badly physically now.

While there are many self help and Therapy options you can explore, do not dismiss ADs so quickly. When you are gaining little from everything else, the right one is a blessing.

Dave.

I took an antidepressant SSRI 20 years ago and had a bad reaction with severe agitated depression and anxiety among other symptoms. So I didn't really want to try an SSRI again but my doctor convinced me. It was even worse. I was dangerously suicidal in three days, as well as with intolerable anxiety for which my doctor would not prescribe anything. I hate to sound like such a big baby but I really felt traumatized from SSRI's. My doctor said I had an allergic reaction, whatever that means. I am not willing to go through that again. But what are the alternatives? Should I email my pdoc and ask her?

[vonmoxie]

Hi Dechan..

I am in a situation perhaps similar to yours right now, in that I have found that the best I can do for myself in an episode of depression is rely on myself personally, even though that does have its own set of potential complications. I'm not advocating for or against any therapy as I can only speak to my own experience, but for me it is in part due to budgetary constraints that I forge through on my own.. as well as admittedly being as much the result of a lack of confidence I've developed in the psychiatric industrial complex's existing (in-)ability to provide me with useful assistance for my individual situation, a conclusion I've come to at the cost of many wasted years and much heartbreak. That said, I've only ever gotten through previous depressive episodes as the result of my own force of will and without outside interference, so I'm not sure what I have could be called treatment-resistant; only perhaps industrial-treatment-resistant, or simply pharmacology-resistant. (Which I don't look at as being a bad thing as I'd rather not bombard my physiology with more drugs that don't work for me anyway. For me the cost-benefit analysis tells me no. Let's say instead that it's the drugs that are vonmoxie-resistant.)

One thing that's hard for me is that I have a few more stressors than I am specifically inclined to burden family and friends with; the downside of this is that existing in a vacuum as they do they fester psychologically and seem even bigger than they really are (although they are indeed real and considerable to begin with). Everyone needs to unload, especially when stress is high. I should probably start journalling again, so that at least I will have paper as a confidante for those issues I don't think will currently benefit anyone to air.

Something I've also been thinking that I need though, to accompany my self-help, is a sponsor, kind of like in AA. ("One day at a time" can evoke a different meaning for depression since the days can seem like endless baths in molasses, but it's still a good approach.) I don't need a lot, just someone who simply understands the headspace of depression, and can speak to the worst parts of it when they come up, which is for me the catastrophizing and the isolationism. I don't need someone to tell me it will all be okay because I desire to maintain a realistic viewpoint about what I need to accomplish, about where I'm starting from, going, etc... it's merely the littlest nudge that I need sometimes from someone who gets its. It's just that the isolating I tend towards when depressed can prevent me from me from coming across a nudge like that over the course of a day. That's the only prescription I'm really looking at obtaining for myself right now: one friendly nudge per day, preferably in the morning. Refills monthly.

Is there someone in your life you can touch base with about struggles related to depression? PsychCentral is good in its ways.. I like the nature of the collective intelligence that exists here, so many well intended voices and perspectives in one place.. but it's not quite as tactile, which can be satisfying at a different level.

You're always welcome to send me a PM, should you be so inclined! I can't promise answers.. or solace.. or even promptness half the time.. but I'll always try.

Hoping you got a scoch of inspiration.. or thoughtfulness.. or at the very least a laugh.. out of something or other that I wrote here,
von

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

Hi Dechan..

I am in a situation perhaps similar to yours right now, in that I have found that the best I can do for myself in an episode of depression is rely on myself personally, even though that does have its own set of potential complications. I'm not advocating for or against any therapy as I can only speak to my own experience, but for me it is in part due to budgetary constraints that I forge through on my own.. as well as admittedly being as much the result of a lack of confidence I've developed in the psychiatric industrial complex's existing (in-)ability to provide me with useful assistance for my individual situation, a conclusion I've come to at the cost of many wasted years and much heartbreak. That said, I've only ever gotten through previous depressive episodes as the result of my own force of will and without outside interference, so I'm not sure what I have could be called treatment-resistant; only perhaps industrial-treatment-resistant, or simply pharmacology-resistant. (Which I don't look at as being a bad thing as I'd rather not bombard my physiology with more drugs that don't work for me anyway. For me the cost-benefit analysis tells me no. Let's say instead that it's the drugs that are vonmoxie-resistant.)

One thing that's hard for me is that I have a few more stressors than I am specifically inclined to burden family and friends with; the downside of this is that existing in a vacuum as they do they fester psychologically and seem even bigger than they really are (although they are indeed real and considerable to begin with). Everyone needs to unload, especially when stress is high. I should probably start journalling again, so that at least I will have paper as a confidante for those issues I don't think will currently benefit anyone to air.

Something I've also been thinking that I need though, to accompany my self-help, is a sponsor, kind of like in AA. ("One day at a time" can evoke a different meaning for depression since the days can seem like endless baths in molasses, but it's still a good approach.) I don't need a lot, just someone who simply understands the headspace of depression, and can speak to the worst parts of it when they come up, which is for me the catastrophizing and the isolationism. I don't need someone to tell me it will all be okay because I desire to maintain a realistic viewpoint about what I need to accomplish, about where I'm starting from, going, etc... it's merely the littlest nudge that I need sometimes from someone who gets its. It's just that the isolating I tend towards when depressed can prevent me from me from coming across a nudge like that over the course of a day. That's the only prescription I'm really looking at obtaining for myself right now: one friendly nudge per day, preferably in the morning. Refills monthly.

Is there someone in your life you can touch base with about struggles related to depression? PsychCentral is good in its ways.. I like the nature of the collective intelligence that exists here, so many well intended voices and perspectives in one place.. but it's not quite as tactile, which can be satisfying at a different level.

You're always welcome to send me a PM, should you be so inclined! I can't promise answers.. or solace.. or even promptness half the time.. but I'll always try.

Hoping you got a scoch of inspiration.. or thoughtfulness.. or at the very least a laugh.. out of something or other that I wrote here,
von

This was an incredible post, von. Thanks so much. You put into words so much of what I am feeling and thinking, right up to the idea of a nudge a day! This whole recent crisis is because I have to move out of my apartment (my cozy cave) and probably out of the town where I have lived for 22 years, due to rising rentals rates. Doing it alone is what seemed to increase both my anxiety and depression to unprecedented levels. There is also a small matter of unemployment. I think was in some kind of depressive stupor and just procrastinating, so now there is also a lot of self-castigation.

You started a pretty interesting discussion about coping. I have weathered four major depressions and many minor depressions, and what strikes me as very odd is that I simply cannot remember how they ended. Not a one. But end they did. Medication was never a big factor although I did use benzodiazepines, which I no longer have a prescription for. I know I also used smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking over a year ago.

But mainly I just rode through them on my own, I guess, doing some CBT, journaling, whatever. A little therapy which never helped me much. Never hospitalized.

I don't even remember what those past depressions felt like. Was I this scared? This anxious? This depressed? If so, how did I ever get out alive?

It sounds so dramatic.

But I did survive.

I like the idea of a nudge. Before this blasted full-out depression I had support people. I had a spiritual advisor, and vocational colleagues, volunteer buddies, a meditation group etc. What strikes me as odd is that the depression seemed to just wipe away my life leaving a barren slate. If one could be curious about depression this is, to me, the most curious characteristic. How is it that I just let my life melt away before my eyes?

The kind of nudge you describe reminds that when I got divorced I knew what I would miss the most. I was married to a nudge. I think it was a big factor in weathering depressions without losing a life. Just little things like encouraging me to write poetry during a depression, and I even sold a few poems. It is like someone telling you that although depressed you are still contributing a lot and are worthy of love and care etc. The combination of depression and living alone is lethal.

I am not sure where someone finds such a nudge. I am using Psych Central, but I dislike the cyberspace aspect. It would be much better, I think, to have a real live group, because cyberspace seems almost tailor made to keep the reclusive depressive in their cave.

Let us know what you find, nudge-wise. And thank you. Great post, von!

Dechan

[EnglishDave]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I took an antidepressant SSRI 20 years ago and had a bad reaction with severe agitated depression and anxiety among other symptoms. So I didn't really want to try an SSRI again but my doctor convinced me. It was even worse. I was dangerously suicidal in three days, as well as with intolerable anxiety for which my doctor would not prescribe anything. I hate to sound like such a big baby but I really felt traumatized from SSRI's. My doctor said I had an allergic reaction, whatever that means. I am not willing to go through that again. But what are the alternatives? Should I email my pdoc and ask her?

There are alternatives if you cannot cope. SNRIs were developed to work better than SSRIs. Whether they do is debatable. NASSAs, like Mirtazapine which I take, are for people who have problems taking SSRIs and have severe Clinical Depression. Then there are the older TCAs and MAOIs, which have potentially more side effects, but can be effective in the short term.

I would email your PDoc, it doesn't hurt to get an opinion.

Dave.