Realizing that you are not a nice person is not an easy thing to accomplish with grace. I first feel sorry for myself and cry because I give myself excuses and I understand why I can be so nasty and then I go into my "F@#& the world" phase because I was shown hate so I have the privledge of showing hate back and I don't care about how nasty I can be-this world has been nasty with me-want me to be loving then give me love...
You know, a real b#@%*.
It see saws from self pity to world hate. I want to get off this see saw and be a normal human being and stop being so filled with ugliness towards other humans. I can't help it though-this society is so mean, stupid and annoying. I'm seeing things in black and white. I know there are good people, I'm a witness to kindness and have been treated kindly so why do I zero in on the ugly people and let them eat away at my soul?
I don't like feeling nasty. I try to keep it under wraps but it oozes out. Well, at least now I know that it's there. For the longest time I had no idea-I thought I was a nice person (ha!) and couldn't understand why a lot of people didn't like me. Poor Jax. Well, I smartened up and I saw the error of my ways but sometimes I just don't give a poop. Am I totally helpless and am destined to be a b$@%* for the rest of my life?

[Christina86]

Dear dear (((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))

You are not a b&!$#!

The reply to my post you made not even an hour ago, plus countless other times show that you are a wonderful human being. Not everyone is going to like you, yes. Sometimes people won't like all of your personality, yes. But that does NOT mean that you're a b*!$%.

And yes, a lot of the time society is a mean something-or-other.

I think you're nice, I'm sure lots of people here think you're nice. You ARE.

Well... out here you've proven to be a true friend to a lot of us! Yes... black and white... but that's the old way... now put some colour to your picture! What you see is not what all us others see! We see a person hurt back in time... a woman worthy of love and compassion. We see a FRIEND!

((((((((((((( Jax )))))))))))))))))

(((((((Canders))))))))) Thank you for that Canders. I really appreciate it.

I have a mean streak in me though-IRL- and I'm trying to come to terms with it.

((((((((PoetryLover)))))))))) Thank you, too.

[Christina86]

(((((((((Jax)))))))))))

Sometimes people have bad periods, where we feel the need to be mean, or it just happens. That's life, it isn't the end of the world. It's not always pleasant, but know that you are greatly loved and appreciated by all your friends.

Thanks again.

[Jkeyz]

Jax, You say you do "workbooks, logs, journals and exercising". Do you see a therapist? Are you on any meds?

I had a really bad anger/rage issue after my last divorce. A family doc put me on Klonopin and it really helped. I should have been referred to a pdoc, but wasn't.

I don't know you but I know that anger and rage can be eventually overcome. I used to see things like you mentioned, "in black and white", because my father was like that. NO colors existed in my world. Through much therapy, friends and meds, I can finally see the colors!!

Don't give up. There are many people who know you and care about you!!

[kimmydawn]

((((((( Jax ))))))))

You're not a mean person.

We all can lash out in anger when feeling something else.

They say anger is a secondary emotion...usually secondary to fear, frustration or hurt. I've found that true with myself and until I dealt with the source(s), I kept feeling the misunderstood anger/rage.

Love,

KD

[desperado]

Jax, you ARE a nice person......you know why?

1) You care enough to realize that you are angry & don't want to be angry at the world

-- and --

2) You have shown others, as well as myself, good support.

It's ok to be angry; hope you feel better soon.

Des

[nothemama8]

if you didn't have angery moments you would explode, besides since your a friend of mine you aren't a b&!$#!, I only now kind supportive ppl and thats you threw and threw (sp)
Love ya
Angie

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((Jax))))))))))))))))

You are not a bad person at all. Everyone has days or periods where they feel like they need to get rid of this built up anger - but that anger doesn't determine who you are. That anger does not say everything about you, nor does it restrict the type of person you will become. You are a caring and helpful person, just try and hold onto that.

Jacq

[sidony]

Jax!

You are not a bad person!!! When I posted my thread called "Ever feel like you don't HAVE a personality?" you wrote the nicest response. It totally cheered me up. So forgive me if I don't take your word for it that you're a nasty person. I prefer to go by the evidence!!!

Everyone gets angry and has bad times where they hate the world. It doesn't mean that's your whole identity. If you can recognize it, just start working on some coping strategies with therapy, etc. Things will get better!

Sidony

Jax, I fear those that don't admit their shadow side! I admire and respect your honesty!

(((((((((((JKeyz)))))))))))) , (((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))) , (((((((((((((((Desperado)))))))))))))))) ,(((((((((((((((Nothemama8))))))))))))) ,(((((((((((((Jacq10))))))))))))) , ((((((((((((Sidony)))))))))))) and (((((((((((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))))))
Thank you, this is not the kind of response I expected but I'm really glad it's the kind I got. You actually have me believing that maybe I'm not such a bad person. I truely appreciate your kindness.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Jax.
I think everyone has a level of self preservation to themselves, and I feel your emotional attachment to the hate is just because you are tryine to preserve your feelings and yourself. Your therapist is a good source on how to let go of the behaviors that you are not wanting to deal with that you feel are in correct and moving on with your life in a more adult manner. realizing the fault is part of wanting to outgrow the negative behavior. I think and feel that you are in a very good place for a therapis tto help turn the negative behavior into more positive outcomes in your life Jax. I hope the best for you in the future. take care Good to see you posting Soidhonia

Originally Posted by ;367506

Realizing that you are not a nice person is not an easy thing to accomplish with grace. I first feel sorry for myself and cry because I give myself excuses and I understand why I can be so nasty and then I go into my "F@#& the world" phase because I was shown hate so I have the privledge of showing hate back and I don't care about how nasty I can be-this world has been nasty with me-want me to be loving then give me love...
You know, a real b#@%*.
It see saws from self pity to world hate. I want to get off this see saw and be a normal human being and stop being so filled with ugliness towards other humans. I can't help it though-this society is so mean, stupid and annoying. I'm seeing things in black and white. I know there are good people, I'm a witness to kindness and have been treated kindly so why do I zero in on the ugly people and let them eat away at my soul?
I don't like feeling nasty. I try to keep it under wraps but it oozes out. Well, at least now I know that it's there. For the longest time I had no idea-I thought I was a nice person (ha!) and couldn't understand why a lot of people didn't like me. Poor Jax. Well, I smartened up and I saw the error of my ways but sometimes I just don't give a poop. Am I totally helpless and am destined to be a b$@%* for the rest of my life?

You express yourself very clearly and I was a bit unnerved by your statements. I kept trying to imagine what it would be like IRL to be standing right in front of you while you were expressing these sentiments

My first response was that I felt really sorry for you and wanted to hold you tight and try an convince of you what good there is in the world
My second response was fear and anxiety and wanting to run
My third response was irritation at your negativity and anger and wanting to tell you to get over yourself and just choose to be a good human being in this weird world
.... and then I realised you were expressing the deepest thoughts of my own that I have pretended aren't there and I just felt exhausted and just wanted to thank you for being so honest