My friend died last wednesday, I knew it was going to happen, then on Tuesday another friend threw himself in front of a train. I'd not dealt with 2 deaths in such a short time frame, nor with 2 complete different deaths, one very brave and courageous and the other totally unbalanced emotionally.

I think this made me look at my own depression, my own times of unhappiness that seem to be a lot. I emailed T yesterday because I was having dark thoughts, wondering if throwing oneself in front of a train was a solution.

T said that though death may seem attractive, its not really, and in answer to my question, "why can't I be happy"? she replied, "you will be and are at times, and that is enough - REALLY!.

I think in my mind somewhere I was thinking I had to be happy 24/7, but we/I don't, just to know that the times I am is enought! What a simple thought.

I'm sad that there are so many different ways to live, to die, and I guess the only life I need to work on is mine, I can't control anyone elses, I'm not responsible for anyone elses, we can only do the best we can, "really"

What a relieve to not have to try and put that smile on each morning!! Hip hip horray!

[Irine]

i am sorry for your friends. i understand that it is very hard to deal with the death of 2 friends.

i agree with your T, you WILL be happy, you need to find out the life style that makes you happy. to DO what maks you happy..what you really want, and dream about.

but i think "that is enough" is a statment that only you can make. but if she meant to except rea;lity-then-well as far as i know- it is the only way for happiness, the only way to MOVE ON.

but here you know it will take time to heal, don`t get me wrong i am not saying to you "move on" now! i am sorry it happened ot your friends and i hope you have more people around you to turn to.

hugs

{{{{{MOUSE}}}}}}

Not to take anything away from your heart felt lost, but two weeks ago, the same happened to me. The why question keeps running thru my mind. I am with you in your loss, please know that. HUGGGS

I'm so sorry about your friends, Mouse. I understand what you mean about your dark thoughts. I hope I am allowed to say this on here-- but a lot of times I have ideation, NOT because I really want to die, but because I can't think of any other way to make all this %#@&#! go away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate the word 'happy.' I stopped saying I want to be 'happy' because I, too, think it implies that you have to feel that way all of the time.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( mouse ))))))))

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((((((mouse)))))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry for your loss!!!

be kind and gentle with yourself as you grieve

take care!!!

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((mouse)))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry.

BB

[meander]

((((((((mouse)))))))) so sorry

I can relate to what you were saying about happiness, even though I'm getting better now, when I have bad days I still feel worse sometimes, because I had an idea in my head that once I was better, I'd never feel low again... which as you say isn't true... so thanks for the insight :-)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<MOUSE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Wanted ya to know we are hangin with you through the storm,,,,,,,,,,,

[Perna]

I'm sorry you have the two friends' deaths to process right now. It took me a long time, looking at times of sadness and depression, to realize that such feelings are "appropriate." Whenever I have a feeling I don't "like" I instantly ask myself, "What would you rather be feeling, now?" Nothing else makes sense when someone dies except sadness and, insofar as it reminds you of your own sad times that you're struggling with, depression!

You said, "I was having dark thoughts, wondering if throwing oneself in front of a train was a solution" and sure, it is "a" solution but hardly a "useful" or appropriate/good one? I'm reminded of the teen "wizard" books where several wizards combat one another "to the death" and have to "unmake" each other and how beginning wizards are taught that unmaking is a "bad"/negative thing. But I wouldn't call unmaking one's self a "solution" mostly because one is unmaking the possibility of their being a problem, not solving it now that it exists? Its a little like a frustrated two year old who doesn't like what she is making or drawing and suddenly destroys it or starts scribbling madly overtop. That doesn't get any practice in on "solving" problems and dealing with frustration or sadness or other uncomfortable states of being, just destroys the "being" itself.

I look at lots of things as a "skill" that requires practice to become good at it. You can't learn to walk or talk or write or draw without practice? Likewise, you can't learn to experience and work with all one's emotions (that are built-in, not "choices") unless you persue them and sit with them and work with them. I want to feel what I feel when I'm feeling it and the only way I can do that is to feel sad and feel hurt and feel depressed and feel abandoned, able to care for myself, able to reach out, able to become good at being Perna :-) It takes exploration and practice to "be" who we are.

I think you did wonderfully, Mouse, e-mailing your T your troubles, reaching out for yourself rather than keeping the pain to yourself and letting it fester further. That makes me happy to see.

[Perna]

I found a quote 10+ years ago, a reply from an online therapist to a couple of teenagers, which I really liked:

"It's [suicide] like throwing a stick of dynamite onto your floor because the floor is dirty. What you need instead is somebody who will come alongside you with broom, vacuum cleaner, scrub brushes, buckets of soapy water and mops! They'll help you clean up your mess, heal your hearts, get your heads on straight. . .and give you another shot at a happy, rewarding life."