[gloomectomy]

So I will start with my long back story. See if I can unleash some emotion.

I just joined here. I'm not sure really what I am looking for exactly. Don't have a plan. Not really sure what to do.
I do know that I feel myself spiraling and I don't want that. So I guess I'm looking for a place to vent and relate. I'm half terrified that someone will know who I am in real life. Like I'm so one-of-a-kind and people actually go around searching for clues of my internet activity. I know this is so so silly. I know rationally that there are like 5 people in the world who know I exist. And one that knows I struggle with depression and such. And he wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't care if he did find me out because he wouldn't care being my ex and all...
Anyway. I got 156 on the sanity score. My life is a mess. My life has always been a mess. I have been in treatment and on drugs since I was in high school. Im 30 now, and in college. The last 13 years of my life I was living with this guy. A great guy, really. But I didn't have any dependence. Not his fault. I gave it up and he has the kind of "take care of and fix everything" personality. Codependent I guess. I worked a bit and saw a therapist but that was it for my socializing.
Last year my mom got really sick, needed a transplant. She got one, but the surgery had lots of complications and she was in the hospital for months. Noone in our family could stay with her, as they all used up all their vacation. I wasnt happy where I was, where I lived, who I was, my job, I was very unhappy. My ex was as supportive as he could be, but I wasnt there for him, I see that now. I was as detached as you could get from him. I don't blame him for leaving me. But I get ahead of myself
So my mom was sick, and I had used my vacation days. She was going to be alone in the hospital.
I made a snap decision. Went home, quit my job, packed a couple months of stuff up and came back to stay until she was better.
Well it took a long time, and my ex pretty much told me not to come back. He was looking for something else. I should have seen that coming. But its for the best. He can be happy now. Without me to bring him down.
So Im still here. 30 years old and living with my parents I decided to take a few college courses as well, since I literally had nothing. I didn't have my own bank account, a drivers license, any ID, any credit cards, basically nothing to say I even existed for all those years. No friends to miss me either.
My mom's getting better now (yay) and I think she appreciated having me around. But now she doesn't need me and I have no home to go back to. No friends for support. No therapist. Im still on my meds from before. The new doctor I saw refilled them with no questions asked, thankfully, and being a student helps pay for them. I had to get a license, and a car, and a bank account and ID. At 30. 30 and I had no idea how to do any of this stuff. I thought the stress of all that would break me. Because I have to be strong for my family. I smile and joke, but mostly hide away "Studying" because I am being crushed from the inside. I am ashamed of my depression. Of myself. I shouldnt be, maybe, but I am.
I also tell myself I am grateful for my second chance at life. Stress or no, I have a chance to live the way I want (how that way is I still have no clue) eat what I want (so I diet) Go where I want (so I stay shut in) Socialize with who I want (I have not talked to one person unless it was absolutely necessary. I run though. I run and run, and diet, and stay thinner than I should because I should look as frail on the outside as I am on the inside. Still fat though, even underweight. But thats another issue I will tackle later.
I have routines. Serious, daily, must do in order routines or my day will be ruined. My week. My life will end. Dramatic I know, but it keeps the panic at bay.
These things have made me realize I fell I have no control over my life.

I thought I would do so well in school. Like I could just go back to school after 12 years and know everything, no problem. Get a job, take all the classes, and get straight As. Then I would get in shape and take kickboxing.
Ya, I had to drop from 5 to 3 classes. I study all the time. Barely have time to run. Waste alot of time trying not to be depressed, trying to deny all my emotions. Just swallow it down, squish, ignore, run away, starve them out.
Obviously this is not working, and I feel ready to break. Strangely enough it was after the months of crying everyday that I started to feel this bad. It is tearing me apart. I feel like my heart is being squeezed with sandpaper and barbed wire, all the time.
But I can only fix myself. I have to fix myself. I refuse to self-destruct. The only emotion I allow myself is anger and determination. I loathe myself but I tell myself everyday that I am grateful for what I have and where I am and that any sacrifice is worth helping my family. Not that I'm really sacrificing anything.

In fact, they provide my a place to live, low cost. And I can go to school and get a degree. I was unhappy in my other life, so I should be happier here. But I feel alone. And the best describing word I can think of is crushed.

And I dont know what to do about it. And I can't talk to my family about it because my mom has post-surgical depression and menopause. So I have to be strong and happy and supportive. I cant see a therapist because I can't afford to. And I have no time. I feel bad being here, instead of studying. Studying for courses Im not even doing that well in because apparently old dog cant learn new tricks or whatever. My memory doesnt work properly. Probably because all I feel is this mental pain, its so distracting. But I still refuse to self-destruct.

I like the last two sentences you typed. Old dogs do learn new tricks. It is we don't have to do everything all at once, we can take a break or stretch things out over time so we feel less stress. Depression hits everyone regardless of race, culture, education, wealth or religion. It is having to hold onto your foundation, your rock. For some it is their beliefs, others it is their faith. Whatever you need to find your solid footing and stay on it which will give you the strength and affirmation you need.
We are not our feelings and they need not define us. We are human beings first with the wonderful ability to be strong and overcome as your last sentence so declares. (((hugs)))

[Skeezyks]

Hello gloomectomy: I'm sorry you have encountered such difficulty. I celebrate your determination not to self-destruct! From my perspective, I believe you can feel very proud of what you did for your mother!

I would just like to share a couple of thoughts with you. You mentioned swallowing, squishing, ignoring, running away from & starving out your emotions. I have a lot of difficult emotions as well... different from yours... but difficult none-the-less... (I've been involuntarily committed to 2 psych wards in the past following serious suicide attempts.)

It has been my experience that trying to push down or ignore these emotions just keeps them coming back stronger & more often. As an alternative, what I have learned to do is to allow these emotions to come up, to attend to them, lean into them, breathe with them, & accept them... with compassion. Sometimes I will even smile to them & place my hand over my heart as a sign of my compassion for them. As a result of this practice I have learned, first, that I can live with these difficult emotions. They have no power over me other than what I cede them. And second I have learned that by allowing these difficult emotions to arise, over time, they lessen.

My other thought is simply that it is so difficult to continuously be strong for others & not have some outlet for what one is feeling inside. I know this because this is what I do. And, as I mentioned above, it has resulted in my having made 2 serious attempts to eliminate myself. So I wonder if there is any possibility of you finding some sort of outlet for what you are feeling... a support group or some income-based mental health services for persons who are low income, for students, etc. Perhaps where you live, these sorts of things aren't available. But if you could find something, my thought would be that it would be well worth whatever effort you need to expend to get it.

I send good wishes your way with the hope that, in some way, you will be able to find peace in your life.

[elevatedsoul]

you can come here for support.. it has helped me a great deal having a place to just come and talk about how crazy i feel...
and no one has ever treated me badly for the things that i have said; everyone is always supportive

of course im no professional but i struggle with depression too... so i feel your pain
im 26 years old and feel much like you... i choose not to go out, not to have friends, isolate.. i dont have a drivers license, infact im terrified to drive... so i dont have transportation unless i get a ride from my dad or someone..
i also live with my dad.. not trying to take over your post, just want you to know you are not alone in this...
currently i cant afford treatment either but like you i refuse to self destruct... i will win this war even though i lose many battles!
i also repress emotions and bottle everything up and like skeezyks says it does seem to make it worse... it boils over and comes back stronger... but then you push it back down and it builds more pressure and starts shooting out like a volcano eventually?

its hard when you have no outlets, no one to talk to... no therapist...
but i think psychcentral is a decent outlet... its not a place to be cured i think but its a supportive place you can reach out to others going through similar things for encouragement and support...

i think you doing what you did for your mom was great, i would of done the same thing
im sorry about all of the struggles you are facing... but try to remember to be gentle with yourself.. depression is a beast that we have to fight... we can defeat it, i know we can... i refuse to think there is any war that i cant win

i think its good that you exercise... but you have to remember to take care of yourself... please?


edit:
oh i also feel like someone will find me out on this website too.. but i try not to worry about it because no one really knows what im going through or that i use any kind of forum for support...

[gloomectomy]

Thank you everyone for replying.
I got a test back today and didnt do very well. I didnt sleep well last night. My mom isnt eating for some reason, she says she is not hungry because of stress. She's been losing weight. I feel angry because she got a liver donor transplant a year ago and now shes not taking care of herself. It's very frustrating.
I got a test back, didn't do very well.
After writing yesterday, I felt too much I think. I usually have a very small range of emotion. At least, emotion that I acknowledge. I dont know what to do with it. Everything has been making me feel defensive lately. But I just smile.
Lots of overwhelming intrusive thoughts. A small, tiny, yet uncontrolled incident. I don't think I'm allowed to say. But I'm mad at myself, I should have just done 100 squats or something. Next time.

I feel so out of control. I'm half-scared and half-expectant that I will just have a mild psychotic break. It has happened twice before, landing my in IP once. Not a good place for me. Too many people too close together. So, as much as I would just like to let my head explode and have my mind go away for a vacation, I cannot afford that at any cost. Family, finals, job. It would ruin everything I have worked so hard to hide.

But I don't know how to deal atm. This out-of-control angry/sad/anxiety feeling has been really building up over the past year. Really bad over the past few months. And the past week has been a constant migraine. Which is why I came here.
I feel like I need a way to trick myself into thinking I'm being self-destructive, so I can feel like Ive been properly punished for, I dont know, being me.
Extra exercise is not helping. I have a backup batch of ativan (not for overdose!) just PRNs I never took. I may try taking those to calm myself, but Im afraid of being too drugged, letting myself slip up, or not being able to concentrate, since I'm all ready having a hell of a time.

I have been trying (over the last few weeks) things like meditation (sha-va-sa-na?), mindfulness, (these meditation things I can do for about 1 minute before I get really annoyed and distracted with having to vacuum or something totally random like that), I try doing things around my room with my eyes closed (sounds stupid and weird I know but it really makes me slow down and focus, and then I get annoyed), drawing, exercise, omega 3's, positive - encouraging affirmations (don't be so weak, make yourself stronger! More resilient! Be better and you wont feel so bad about yourself!) I've never been able to "I love and accept myself" without feeling like a liar.

I tried putting my hand over my heart and trying to accept my frustration (today). I think it worked for about 30 seconds while I looked at myself in the mirror and felt a bit silly. Like taking a deep breath.

I dont know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm going to get hostile or snappy. I try really really hard not to ever be confrontational. I tried to just avoid people today even more than usual. I feel like people are just attacking me from all sides for no reason. I swear I put on a good show. I agree with people. I help them, compliment them, smile. All those socially acceptable things I learned from TV. Why won't people just leave me alone! I am a non-threatening, affable, quiet, thing.

Yes I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality. But I don't feel right about the way I'm supposed to stand up for myself and be my own person. Feels wrong. Like breathing water.

Some people believe in energy. Perhaps people "feel" my turmoil underneath and that's why they give me those hateful looks.
Maybe I'm imagining it. But I don't think I'm delusional.
Today has been a confusing and frustrating day. Unsteady. Disjointed.

I want to learn new tricks, or least the subject matter in my classes! Thermochemistry.

@Skeezykz - I've been there too. First time I think because I had no concept of mental health, I was young, going through those thoughts for the first time, and not on any meds. Times after that were... learning attempts. Maybe. Then more recently I got taken off Clonazepam. Like 3mg a day to nothing. I had a total meltdown, apparently. i dont have a lot of memory of it. I was in the hospital anyway. First, last, and only time I will ever let someone see me in that state, and commit me. Trap me. Terrible.

I hope I can come here for something. Even if its just to vent. But I've never been good with anything social. I will soon feel like I've been singled out and excluded and stop coming. Because I always get that feeling, even though its maybe irrational. People will find me out, and they hate me. For no reason. (Like I'm so special, right).

I'm hoping I can find something. Some connection to something real. A sense of belonging maybe? What am I looking for anyway. How will I find it if I don't know what it is.

Also, about taking care of myself. I do. I maintain a just-below-underweight BMI, exercise, eat the minimum recommended amount of calories for my BMR. I eat healthy food. I'm just strict with myself. I even eat dessert food when I'm around other people eating dessert food, I don't like being looked at funny. I just don't really have a healthy attitude about it. I hate the way I look. I feel fat as a hippo, and I lose sleep over those empty calories that I eat "because people are watching". Or because I have no self-control. But I don't do anything about it. I don't starve myself, anymore. Most of the time. I eventually gain back weight when i lose it because I can't afford new clothes. Or because I'm Miss Piggy but I tell myself it's because I can't afford to buy new sizes of clothes all the time. Which is true, also. The disordered part is just in my mind. My aunt was hospitalized for anorexia. Which I definitely dont have. And wow that really put a spotlight on her... I don't want that. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, which currently I am very not. But I live with that loathing anyway. When I can run a marathon, and win it, I'll be happy with my body. My dad's run in like 10 of them. I haven't been in any. Massive let down to him I think. Anyway.

Im sorry for the rambling. And for kind of making this more of a journal entry then a forum post. I am looking for attention I guess, or support, or just a connection, or who knows. Obviously Im not squashing it all in, or I wouldn't be reaching out. A little reach, but still a reach. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this, but anyway. Need something a little better then a mild psychotic episode this time.