Cutting: I don't understand it?

I didn't know anything about "cutting" until 1999. Even though the hospital staff was diligent about keeping anything that could cut out of reach, I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now.

In hospital it seemed to be more prevalent among younger women. And, less frequently, younger males. I found another site today, but didn't join, as the target audience seemed to be teenaged girls with eating disorders who cut themselves regularly. Some posted photos. From the little that I was able to take in, I got the impression that this was fairly common behavior with teen girls who are depressed and have eating disorders.

I just can't understand why. I was hoping that someone here might be able to explain. I wish for death daily but I'm not suicidal. I hate the decisions that I made and the opportunities that I rejected and I hate myself for getting to this point of sadness and loneliness. I hate what my body has become.

But it's never occurred to me that I might find relief in, or punish myself by, cutting myself. It's a serious issue, I know, and it adds to my self-hatred that I think of the practice as, well, silly. I'm sure that others might find some of my practices silly and that if I were called out on something that it might make me feel worse (if that's possible) but maybe if someone could explain the reasons behind the practice I wouldn't continue to find it silly.

a release for deep inner misery...
to feel something so painful all the time but never see it(mental illness)... will make you want to feel something that you can see... a logical pain...

I'm in a state of homicidal anger right now and when I get this way my abject misery takes a back seat. And then my depression hits like a kamikaze appearing from the clouds. But 99% of the time, my depression, my self-loathing, my terror, my loneliness, my self-disgust, my fear, the abyss of sadness that I fall into; all of these things, in congruence of body and mind, create a debilitating despondency – more than misery, deep into the marrow of my bones, a pain that I wish would lead to my final breath.

Not only am I unable to see it, I can't adequately describe that pain. I've read snippets that others have written that I may think touches on or goes some way in describing a portion of that pain, but I don't believe that it's possible to offer a description that adequately describes that mixture of mental and physical grief and distress.

While I guess that I can accept that some people might need visual, outward scars to share (?) inner pain, I know that it's a greater agony for me to keep my pain inside and that accomplishes my goal of establishing ever greater punishment that I deserve.

But I don't think that I need to draw blood to see my affliction; I only need to look around at the clutter in my bedroom (which has only not degraded to filth because I allow my caregiver to clean once a week) for a visualization of what's going on in my head. And body.

Some of the photos on that website were very disturbing;

I didn't experience deep depression until my late 30's so I don't have any idea of what it's like to be a deeply depressed teen. Am I right in guessing that cutting is more common in younger women?

Ah, crap. Anger's fading... and guess who's coming to dinner?

There are some things i cannot understand myself but when it is explained i have a better idea of what they are talking about.

I am no expert on self harm, but from what I've read in the published literature, yes, more prevalent amongst teen girls, and teens generally. It's a form of release. I link it more to an anxiety issue than depression, although these conditions are often comorbid. It seems to be a way to transfer all the pent-up angst into a physically release. The mind associates relief of mental pain with directing physical pain. If I were to create an analogy, I would presume it would be like nausea - everyone hates to throw up but by god you feel such intense releif when you do.

I think self harm/ self injury is parallel to Other methods of escaping from misery - substance abuse, violence against others. Many of us never seek these 'outlets' that would only cause deeper misery. People are just different in coping, have different coping skills.

If someone who self harms and feels like I'm off base, I mean no offense. Just thinking through it aloud. I'm sure there is more complexity to it.

it seems to happen with younger teen girls more often... but sometimes they dont grow out of it and continue onward into adulthood

young teen boys will do it too just not as prevalent as girls...

there are a list of reasons people do it, its a little different for each one i think...

for me its a private thing, no one knows about it... i dont talk about it, its a shameful thing... its private... dont share any pictures or brag about scars or anything like that...
i dont understand it completely myself honestly, just that it happens to me sometimes...
i first started around 19 i guess, been off and on back and forth ... thought i had quit for good a while back but relapsed lately... im 26 so it isn't just something confused kids are doing...

some people do though, like to brag and share and compare and blablabla... i dont know why they like to brag about something like that and show off how bad their last cut was... that kind of behavior seems to stem from some form of acceptance... and fueling each others desire to continue cutting... i dont encourage it at all, its not something that should be played with or joked about or compared or shared or whatever they are doing...

its really hard for someone that has never done it before to understand and its equally hard for me to try to explain any kind of reasoning behind it...

its an addiction in most cases, why someone starts? thats up in the air... i started because i feel alot of pain and have been miserable for a long time... dont know what i was thinking when i first did it though, i cant remember many things ever, i forget everything so...

its just an unhealthy coping mechanism that some people start doing and abusing for the most part...

Would it also be a risky behavior associated with suicidal ideation? The idea of cutting but not going deep? So it is risk taking. But there also must be a sense of control.

I am wondering if meditation would help. One idea about meditation is to be able to stay with the pain of whatever comes up, and acknowledge it.

I can relate to one thing here and that is when the mental pain gets ratcheted up to such a degree that there needs to be something to release that build up of horrible tension.

I have heard that some people hit themselves in the head (See Douglas Bloch's Healing From Depression website) or scream or throw things, as a release, and a physical manifestation.

I have meditated for a very long time, and I think maybe it always gave me a container in which to hold pain as I don't feel the need to express mental pain. I don't even cry. When the mental pain is beyond me I do deep breathing, take a hot bath, or go for a walk/run. But meditation brings the greatest relief. I have been actively meditating and it automatically cools down the mental heat. It doesn't dissolve the pain entirely but it dissipates it.

Perhaps teens are cutting because they don't have ample coping mechanisms. Heck, when I was a teen my parents were telling me to "cope" but not how to do it. I smoked cigarettes, drank, and smoked pot, but I was also a good student and worked part-time jobs as a lifeguard. I liked long bike rides, and endurance swimming. My mother enrolled me in a scuba diving certification class one summer when I was really depressed. I was angry but when I took the class I found out it was a lot of fun. The certification process was extremely difficult, so I basically spent all summer getting really physically fit.

I know that a lot of anorexics are finding relief in a vegan diet, and that's great news. Something is actually working. Now...that is what is needed for cutting. Something to cope that would work. Maybe meditation classes???

Thank you for this discussion. This habit of cutting seriously disturbs me even though I never engaged in this type of SH.

it is risky behavior... i dont know if its related to suicidal ideation or not... it does give you a sense of control, to be able to control a pain...
for me its not related to ideations... because im not thinking about dieing when i do it, im thinking about living and being alive... it is easy to hurt yourself really bad when doing this though, i have heard of people cutting nerves and losing functionality in a whole arm... and obviously some have bled out and died... but for the most part it seems that most people that do it are making superficial cuts, not deep wounds... these kind of cuts will bleed for a minute and can stop on their own... so im not so sure its really related to ideation... i have heard of severe cases where people are severely ingjuring themselves though, it just breaks my heart... i dont think they really want to die... but just are hurting so deeply it gets out of control...

i think its becoming more prevalent because you see it in movies... on tv... on the radios... in schools... its just spreading around like a fad and kids pick it up...
thats why i dont talk about it, i dont think its something that should be shared with everyone... but when you see someones scars its hard to deny that something happened because the scaring just looks self inflicted...

i try hard not to do it, it becomes an addiction after a while... for example i haven't done it in some days... 3 or 4 ... i cant remember because my memory is so bad i lose track of days... but i am ok, i dont want to do it, dont have the urge... and i can go some time without it, sometimes months, years, and something happens and it happens... and then its a struggle to get myself out of the rut again, to stop and try to get away from doing it and everything...

its like getting high.... its something you can fall back on as a crtch... to have control over pain... because sometimes your life feels out of control, severely...
its just cheaper than drugs... sometimes easier to hide than getting high... and whatnot...

i wish no one felt like doing these things, but i know how they feel...

meditation is really a great thing if you can center yourself and focus...
i have tried many many times for quite a long time to do deep meditations but my mind doesn't cooperate at all on anything i try to do... so i just try to keep in the semi meditative state that i can constantly... but i often end up detaching my mind from my body...

i wish i had better explanation for this kind of thing, but i dont really understand it well either i guess
just dont start self harming ... and if you do... try to be kind to yourself... you dont deserve to bleed...

elevated soul,

First, thanks for your reply. It seems to be, as you suggest, something that you must experience to understand. In re the photos and notes that these girls posted: they weren't bragging at all. Just sharing their pain. And by the types of photos they posted their eating disorders were obvious. Since the majority of the messages began with "Warning! Triggers!" it's obvious that this type of sharing is a kind of obsessive self-harm pornography.

I dounderstand your comparison to getting high. I'm such a pitiful lightweight when it comes to non-prescription drugs, though! And I've only been drunk from alcohol two or three times. But I've been high from dilaudid twice and if I knew of any street drug that could take me into such a calming, peaceful, outside of myself place, I'm sure that I would try it.

And I really understand – I think – the satisfaction(?) that must come from gaining control over your pain. When I am in that depth of the ocean that has never seen sunlight I am so very out of control and that brings on the fear. And I think that it can be aptly described as a fear of losing control – forever. Just once in the past 2-4 weeks (my memory hasn't been working too well lately) I've actually lost it. Control, my mind, whatever. If I had a practice such as cutting, controlling and coping by exchanging soulful agony for physical, I'm certain that I would become addicted to the release.

I'm the same as you when it comes to meditation. I don't know if I put too much thought into it or if I'm unable to let go, but I just can't get there. I know that contemplative/meditative states are real and that they can be learned and I've come so very close, in prayer, but I get to a point where it seems as if the car is going to go off the cliff and I slam on the brakes.

Dawa: God knows that I wish that I could find relief in physical activities to soothe my mental anguish. It's odd to think it now, but I used to be athletic. Fit, but not cut. A long bike ride or run was so calming. Three days a week at the gym with Saturday or Sunday at the park in one team sport or another. Now I can't take a hot bath, I have to settle for a shower and can't even shower whenever I'd like now – I slip into a paranoid delusion that there are policemen beyond the shower curtain that mean me harm. I keep repeating that it's not real but I continue to hear them.

elevated, I think that in reading those posts and seeing those pictures caused me a sadness for others that I've not had in a long while. Even when I was close to your age, everything was great. Everything was on track, life was fun, work was great, relationships were flexible, no worries. To see those 14-19 year old girls talk of being fat and their love of bones, thigh gaps, etc. just made me feel so sad for them. They've just begun life.

Now I'm getting morose. I need to eat something.

I think it's really cool that you're asking about this. Frankly, you will never fully understand unless it's something you've experienced yourself. But that doesn't mean you can't try to understand, especially if you have a friend who does struggle with self harm.

I only recently started cutting as a habit almost a year ago. Before that it was literally once in a blue moon. But the reason why it was a habit in the first place was because I'd think back to the times that I did try it, and how much better I felt. Cutting is different for everyone, but I'll explain what it is for me.

1. Relief. All the emotions and feelings that I can't name or explain are released. I literally feel something exit me. It's like wearing a tight pair of roller blades all day long, getting home, and removing them. This release actually releases endorphins that the brain interprets as "good", so you go back for more. That's where the addiction begins.

2. Punishment. Sometimes I truly believe I deserve it. It's treating myself the way I feel I'm deserved. I feel worthless, invaluable, therefore I should hurt myself.

3. A reason. Many times I'm just sad. Or angry. And there's absolutely nothing I can pinpoint for these emotions. I get angry with myself because there's nothing to be upset about. Well cutting is pain, that's a reason. I feel distress, therefore I'm given a reason to be distressed.

4. To feel. Sometimes I'm just numb. There's nothing. I feel absolutely empty. Cutting makes me feel something.

5. Just because. This is the hardest for non-self harmers to understand. Cutting really is an addiction. There would be days I'd cut for the hell of it. Not because of any of the above reasons, but because I wanted to. Because it felt right. Because I felt like I had to. Coincidentally, feeling like I have to leads me to distress which gets me to reason #1.

I hope this helps. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it should offer some insight. But please do not take this as a suggestion. Although you have those bad thoughts, you do not want to engage in this. If you start, you will not stop and that is a promise.

"But I don't think that I need to draw blood to see my affliction; I only need to look around at the clutter in my bedroom (which has only not degraded to filth because I allow my caregiver to clean once a week) for a visualization of what's going on in my head. And body.

Some of the photos on that website were very disturbing;

It's good that you don't need to draw blood to see your affliction! The problem for cutters is that they cannot see. That's where they resort to the harm. The pictures you see are not a very good depiction. Most of my scars are just little white lines. There's only one scar that is obviously from cutting, it's nasty and red and raised. Over time it will go down (I have to believe that). My wrists, they just have the tiniest semblance of redness. Inner arms have three unique lines, but my roommates assure me they never noticed until I showed them. Plus I use makeup on them.. When I got a tattoo, it's right near a scar. A friend tried to push up my sleeve past the tattoo and I freaked out. It wasn't a good way of trying to hide my secret obviously. But you have to realize those pictures are not reality for most people. We don't want to be seen. It's for us. It is hardly ever for attention.

As far as cutting paired with ideation - it is not any more riskier than ideation alone. My therapist has even stated this. I do not use cutting as a means for suicide, and I never have. If I did, I'd be doing it a totally different way, starting with direction. Cutting is honestly used to fight ideation, if you can believe it. This is the thing that angers me the most. My roommates don't trust that I'm "safe" because they don't understand that there's such a thing as nonsuicidal self-harm. Self harm is a symptom of depression. So is ideation. Your therapist doesn't run to call 911 when you tell them this. According to DSMV, it's a symptom that coexists with depression and other mental illnesses.

Basset summed it up very well. I am a 50 year old female and was once told that only kids cut. That's not true. It is way to feel something when I feel so numb and lost and alone. It convinces me that i am actually a living breathing entity. I haven't cut in over a year, but I do still struggle with the urges. take care of yourself.

everyone does it for their own reason.

but usally something along te lines of self hatred.. or because people think they deserve it.

i'm a cutter and can tell you that both are true for me

I cut a few times and it was to release a deep emotional pain. Stuff that I couldn't put into words. The first time was just one cut and the 2nd time, I cut 4 times each getting a little deeper. Now I have the scars to remind me of what I did.

sorry... forgot to use a trigger...

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you will call someone to be with you this week. Please take care.

sorry, i forgot... i edited it...
my mind isn't working very well

My God. I can empathize with a few of the reasons – overcoming the numbness, the need for punishment – I just can't follow the feeling to the action. guiltier65 shot down my thoughts of cutting as generation specific... I saw a lot of violent self-harm when hospitalized and, I don't know why, it's easier for me to understand bashing your head into brick walls than cutting.

I punish myself passively – I don't take my meds or eat. I was outed when I allowed myself to have two days of testing done last month(? This month?) I didn't confess because the results weren't absurd but I agreed to more frequent blood work. I take my meds maybe three times a week now.

I'm pretty screwed up now. I'm having difficulty understanding why my thinking is scattered from one hour to the next. I revisited that website early this morning and looked, read and cried. I don't know if I've written this or just thought it and it's a terrible, inhuman way of thinking, but the sadness that I feel for those girls overwhelms the sadness that I feel for myself but increases the misery that I feel. I can't explain it very well because I don't quite understand it myself. Increased guilt. Increased misery. Increased sadness but for others instead of myself.

These girls; thousands of these girls and they could be sisters. They wear the same clothes, photograph the same areas of their bodies (never a face – Jesus Christ, they've no 'self' beyond the body), use the same words and are so miserable at the age that I was enjoying life so much. I have problems with my memory. I vow that I'll date my journal, but I don't. So I don't know if this strangeness is something new or months old. It may be that the shock of seeing that cutting – and, speaking of scars, some of the photos were of wide welts that will never heal – the shock has been traumatic but there I go again. Always focused on myself.

Sometimes I believe that all mental illnesses are so very predictable only because we all share the common trait of selfishness. I don't mean narcissism, not at all. None of us... maybe not all... we don't like ourselves. Those girls are a wonderful example. But at 14? At 14 I had not made any inalterable, life changing decisions to regret, to hate. I actually liked myself back then. Everyone was a friend of one sort or another.

But back to the scars. Why are thighs so popular? I expected more inner arm cutting than thighs. I wondered – guiltier65, you may be able to answer this – what will they tell their children? Bassett, the scars that you hide? If you're to love, to have kids, they'll have to be shown. What do or will you say? The closest that I can come to relating is my body now, which I hide, and maybe... a girl that I once dated. Brilliant red hair, perfect porcelain skin with not even a freckle but she had a long thick scar on her right arm where she had been vaccinated as an infant. Some short-sleeved shirts would cover it, some wouldn't. This may sound sick, but my way of dealing with her shame was to pay attention to the scar. To make love to it just as much as any other inch of her body. We dated for almost exactly one year but we never spoke of the scar. Never spoke about what she felt about my manner of dealing with it. If I were going to write a short story, she would have overcome her shame, etc. But that's not true.

See. Everything comes back to 'me.' Thank you for the explanations. I may be able to understand one day.

I understand the loneliness. I've not one living friend. Not one. The majority abandoned me first and then I abandoned the remainder. I didn't cry for over 10 years and now I can't stop.

Just a moment ago I thought of how I dealt with pain and bleeding when I was young. If I fell off my bike and skinned my knees I would use my hands and put pressure on one knee at a time so that I could 'get the hurt out.' The relief was psychological but it was real.

I also just realized that I completely understand cutting if I think of it that way. It's a way to get the hurt out. Does that sound right? I didn't cry like most kids when I had a bike accident. I made myself hurt more so that I would hurt less. I thought of pain as something with a fixed duration that could only be shortened by hurting more. I don't recall why I thought this way, it's nothing that I told anyone. I must have stopped thinking that way between 8-10 because I remember having a bad skateboard accident and rolling around and crying.

I'm forgetting more and more. Losing time is just part of my life. I don't remember your age? I want to write a message to those girls. I want to try to use words, trite and repetitive as they are, to try to explain one single thing in life that is so rich, so good, so rare, so awesome and astounding that's worth waiting for. Something that goes beyond any expectation. Something beyond anticipation. I'm just not smart enough to do it. And too old to have any hope that I could feel anything like that again.

It's becoming increasingly likely that I'll spend several hours a day in an intense maudlin fog. The self-pity is constant but when I can't stop crying it's – I don't know what to do. And I've started, once again, playing old music that triggers memories of happiness and that is an assurance of making me cry more.

There was a saviour
Rarer than radium,
Commoner than water, crueller than truth...

If I could write like that. Or just string together the words that others have written, no matter how trite. I want to be a Dylan Thomas, Theodore Roethke or T.S. Elliot but I'm too damned stupid to write a Hallmark card. How do you get to the point of being able to put three words together – "rarer than radium," "crueler than truth" – that can be so achingly beautiful?

All that I can do is cry. My parents aren't around as frequently lately. I know that they wouldn't do it if they knew that it felt like punishment.

I want my three wishes.

I never meant to hurt or trigger anyone. I'll do something.

i think you are showing empathy... its not so selfish... everyone has different coping skills... i admit i dont know much about the eating disorders... although i may have one myself since i simply dont eat very much, i just have a general distaste for eating... its not about any body image or anything though...
i know that these girls that see themselves as fat and ugly and things that they are clearly not are suffering from an illness just as well... their perspective of themselves is skewed and they probably try to punish themselves...
just as my perspective of myself is skewed because of my hardships... i feel dirty, i feel less than... i dont feel equal to others because of my experiences and abuse... and i admit that i dont entirely understand the motives behind my own self harm... i really dont...
all i know is that it is a coping mechanism that started at some point... and for whatever reason it helps to cope... i have read that some people try it, but it doesnt work for them and they dont get addicted or whatever... but for some the release is so strong that they just keep going back to it over and over...

you have your own set of coping skills... there is nothing wrong with that, everyone copes a little differently... to each their own right? its sad that sometimes people resort to this type of thing... but sometimes i guess all other options have been exhausted...
it doesnt mean that you should feel bad about yourself... it just means that you may have developed healthier coping mechanisms... or maybe not even healthier ones but just different ones...
for example, i could never bash my head... i love my brain, i am an intellectual and i try to protect it with everything i have... even though i have substance abuse problems that probably do harm my brain... i have smacked myself long ago but i just dont get the same response from this other method...


it is saddening... to see these things... i would suggest not looking at this though... because it does hurt your heart.... you are empathetic and dont want them to do that...
but there is not really much we can do to help as individuals... they need professional help to help develop healthier coping skills and to get away from these self destructive type of behaviors...

with the thighs... it can be easier to hide i guess... it may be something to do with how they view themselves, because to them they appear to be ugly and fat and all of those distasteful things... thats how they see themselves, so i guess maybe they just try to punish themselves for it... maybe in the areas that they see the worse...

i dont understand this thigh gap thing that is going around... honestly i like a healthy thigh and butt defined... i dont know why its becoming so prevalent to have no butt and no thighs, but i guess its a psychological thing... and it spreads, when a girl is raised seeing all these boney models and told that they are pretty and beautiful then they start to think that they have to look like that to be beautiful too..?
its messed up... because alot of these girls are really beautiful, they just dont see it...

i guess what im trying to say is try not to look at that stuff... because it will cause distress... and since we suffer with depression and stuff we dont need more triggers...

you should try to take your medication regularly... skipping the medicine and stuff will not help but make things worse... i try to do my best with medication even though i dont want to take it, and i often forget to... but its important to keep routines... going through withdrawals and reintroducing medication into your system is just gonna mess things up... will make the medicine not work because your body will start to recognize it and discard it as some foreign thing that it doesnt want or need and wont use it to help...

it hurts me that anyone does these things too, but i know that they are hurting... and its not that they want to hurt themselvs so much as to they just want to feel better...
i know it doesnt make sense...

try to take care of yourself... we have to becareful with these things that we expose ourselves to... i know you feel empathy towards them, but hurting ourselves by looking at what they are doing isnt going to help... i wish i had answers for it, i know how it feels because i feel the same way when i look at myself.. but just have to try to be understanding and treat ourselves better...

sorry if none of this makes sense, this subject confuses me too... and im drinking a little so maybe my mind is even more foggy than normal

yes, getting the hurt out is one way to look at it

i dunno how to handle these girls because this stuff is sensitive to them... but i think they need to be shown that they are beautiful... with proof... not just told, because they wont believe it...

i know how you feel about the memory... im 26 years old, but my memory is not working at all... the psychological assesment i took in feb. said that i have a clinically impaired cognitive organization functioning or something like that... i forget everything, i cant reemember my past.. cant remember this morning... i forget what im saying alot of the times or what im thinking or what im doing... it sucks...

sometimes we dont have to write elegantly to reach someone... sometimes no words are stronger than all the words... we just have to show them...

also, dont try to self harm please... its not worth it, try to do someting creative... write a poem even if you arent good at it, write a short story, draw a picture even if you cant draw... listen to music... cook a meal, anything that you can transfer emotions into... the self harm is an addictive behavior that spirals out of control very fast...

elevated,

You actually come across as being the most well-adjusted person posting here. Yet looking at that list of past meds, it's obvious that you've had some problems. No, I'm not going to revisit that website. I'm spending too much time crying, without knowing why, as it is.

I'm fond of my brain, sometimes; an intellectual-wannabe. Wanted-to-be. I can't even read a book now. Not too happy about the way it's misfiring lately.

I actually don't have any method of coping. When I couldn't control the hypergraphia, when I had the two manic episodes, it all felt so good.
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I'm back. I had a number of days in which I was afraid to shower unless my caregiver was in the apt with me. Now I'm showering 3-4 daily. So I went for a shower. But I did something quite strange. I looked in the mirror and saw how grotesque I looked with the 7 month beard so I shaved it off. Using shears and then shaving. The last time that I was clean shaven was 1999. I had forgotten how handsome that I am. Am now. My face. Below the neck I'm scarred and have lost all muscle tone. Nothing handsome below the neck.
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Coping. I don't. Past four days I've come here, cried, thought of those that I loved, listened to music, cried some more. Had some angry times, been confused, and decided that I'm going to actually agree to ECT again, as I should have done last year.

Listening to music is a trigger. I finished listening to Velvet Undergroud's first album before showering. It's so beautiful. Do you know it? Cry, cry, cry. Too many songs that make me think of love and lovers. Mawkish. Follows you forever. Van Morrison. Yes, I have a word fetish. And a music fetish, so mix the two and think of her and it's maddening.

Before I started my first year of ECT sessions, I had a guardian who actually signed the waiver (or whatever) but the staff still went over the side effects and I was able to understand the potential for memory loss. But I was still in my strange world and I went through a long period thinking that I could select the memories to lose. When I was able to understand that wasn't how it worked, it made me sadder.

I'm thinking about coping.

It took time but I used visualization to pack the memories away, pack the 6 people away, very, very safely, wrapped in hundreds of layers of tissue paper, each in their own box, and I put the boxes in a dark, unused part of my brain and gradually they faded. I thought of each person as a 12" figurine made of Belleek porcelain. That's how I coped for 12 years.

Then in November of 2014, there was a brainquake and the boxes moved and split open and the figurines are, I realized, living. Except my father. With varied degrees of success, I had contacted all of the women. In three cases, I had left. My wife, though, divorced me and in doing so I lost my son.

None of these relationships ended well. I didn't cheat or anything that crass, but I – I haven't tried to explain this to myself – I think that maybe I exaggerated a fault? Close enough. I exaggerated a fault, decided that I couldn't be in a long-term relationship with them and pretty abruptly turned from loving suitor to disinterested (my first love used the best word) "cad." I honestly loved each one. It's only been in the past four years that I've understood how much I hurt each one.

Even the first, happily married to a great guy and three wonderful kids, won't accept any sort of apology; won't even acknowledge an apology. She, well, she rubs it in; a kind of "look what you could have had and, poor you, look where you are."

Anyway. I was a selfish jerk all my life and I took joy and happiness in full measure but returned it by half, I suppose, and that's why I deserve every misery that comes from being unloved by anyone.

I used to be told that I placed to much importance on sex, but that's not true at all. My most physically compatible lover wasn't smart enough for me.

I wish that I could find a way to cope. But forgive myself? The evil that I've done will live after me. Sins are forgivable. Evil, not so much. I completely destroyed one life – that of my physically compatible lover. She never married, never had the children that she wanted. She tried to stop my marriage 3 days before it was time to walk down the aisle. She made such a great case for herself by giving me the most intense sexual experience of my lifetime before I drove away.

Guilt and misery at the altar. And so well deserved.

With such slimy treatment of women, you'd have thought that I would have been one to hang out at strip clubs with a horde of equally lowlife male friends. Or been a porn addict. But most of my friends were women. I didn't trust men. My confidants were women, with one exception. I've wondered during the past year why they never called me out. I asked the one that I talk to on occasion. She replied in January but the one sentence answer is baffling. I think my question was "Why didn't you ever tell me that I was acting like such a jerk?" Her reply; "You didn't know how much they were out to get you."

Out to get me? Out to get me? That's no answer. I don't know if she's trying to make me feel less creepy or if I didn't explain myself well. The pursuit was certainly always mutual.

I'm tired, stopped crying and wonder why I can't stop. Oh, VU. Thinking of those girls. Quotation: Candy Says:

Candy says I've come to hate my body
and all that it requires in this world
Candy says I'd like to know completely
what others so discretely talk about

Candy says I hate the quiet places
that cause the smallest taste of what will be
Candy says I hate the big decisions
that cause endless revisions in my mind

I'm gonna watch the blue birds fly over my shoulder
I'm gonna watch them pass me by
Maybe when I'm older
What do you think I'd see
If I could walk away from me

Scars are different for everyone. All the way down the thigh isn't too realistic, like what you see in the pictures. My scars start at the hips and end just before a pair of shorts would stop. Obvious with swimsuits, yes, but never with anything else. My wrists are pretty much dulled so that I don't have to worry about bracelets or hair ties. But there are three fine lines on the inside of my elbow. A tattoo hides one, but the other three I have to use makeup.

I'm terrified for my wedding night. I used to be sexually active, but have recently become very serious about my Christian faith. So being with someone right now isn't my concern. I do know that when I marry a man, it will be with someone aligned with my faith and that means he will see my identity in God, his beautiful masterpiece. My friends put it like this: he will see my scars and hurt so badly for me, but his hurt demonstrates how much he loves me. For anyone else, my scars might turn them off, but he won't be turned off by them. I can't fathom him wanting to touch them or even kiss them, but honestly that's what we can imagine it would be.

I'm terrified, yes. But this terror isn't enough to stop me. It's only enough to build regret.

For me, cutting feels the way a scream sounds. Except it's silent. Which, when you live in a household that doesn't know you're suicidal, is pretty important. On my worst nights, I cut in order to let out emotion the same way a scream would.