[dexter]

For a short stretch I was doing quite a bit better I think because of the relief of finding a T after trying for so long but I've just been sinking since.

I do not know how I am dragging myself to work every day. I do not succeed every day. Some days I stay home and some days I leave after a few hours because I am just overwhelmed with grief. All this week I've been at my desk in a state of shutdown yesterday I was able to leave early for the cardiologist but I went back in after hours and worked alone.

I RSVPd to a wedding that I can't go to because all of my coworkers will be there.

I only worked on two jobs today and I ****ed up both of them because I can't even focus my eyes to see. I don't know if that is from the depression or lack of sleep or because of the new antidepressant which I think is making me dizzy.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( dexter ))))))))))

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by dexter

but I went back in after hours and worked alone.

Feel free to ignore the question: Do you think you were more productive (whatever "productive" means in that context) when you were there alone?

Best wishes for getting some genuinely refreshing sleep.

(((Dexter)))

[dexter]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Feel free to ignore the question: Do you think you were more productive (whatever "productive" means in that context) when you were there alone?

Best wishes for getting some genuinely refreshing sleep.

No question about that, yes. Thinking about it though... That's always been the case, i often work late, but usually I'm more productive after hours because I can work without being interrupted by coworkers and clients.

Now there's a little reversal... During the day I never get interrupted by coworkers or clients because I've isolated myself, I don't talk to them and I sit at my desk curled up in a ball (sometimes sobbing) so that they don't know what is wrong with me but know that something is wrong and that they shouldn't "disturb" me.

I'm unproductive because I'm miserable, self conscious, and over tired and at night I'm more productive because being alone I can get out of my own head for a while and I'm not lying in my bed like I do at home.

Thanks for the question Rohag maybe i'll discuss this with my T tomorrow.

And thanks for the wish of sleep... I"ll be heading to bed in a little while.

[dexter]

Thanks everyone. i've been in a really reallly dark place. I had a long talk with a loving friend. Someone who never tries to talk me out of suicide she and her husband just listen to me and acknowledge my pain and tonight I feel a little of the veil has lifted... Enough for me to try to get a bit of sleep.

[elevatedsoul]

stay strong friend...

[dexter]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

stay strong friend...

Trying. Couldn't stay at work today left after 3 hours. T appt later today.

[dexter]

Originally Posted by dexter

Thanks everyone. i've been in a really reallly dark place. I had a long talk with a loving friend. Someone who never tries to talk me out of suicide she and her husband just listen to me and acknowledge my pain and tonight I feel a little of the veil has lifted... Enough for me to try to get a bit of sleep.

She wants me to ask my T today to sign an anti-suicide contract with me. I will discuss it with the T today. But I am having a hard time deciding if I could/would commit to it.

[dexter]

I signed an anti-suicide contract with my T today. I was reluctant because, if I am to honor it, it takes away what is sometimes the only thing getting me through one more day: the idea that if I can't make it any more I can always end it. Also I'm simply not sure if I can honor it if I get that desparate. I'm speaking from a place where I have been having massive SI but no real desire to do something or make a specific plan or date... If I should get to that point I don't know if a contract is going to stop me. However I decided that if I DO get to that point, if there is even the possibility that having this contract might be a deterrent, it is worth signing. So I did it. I certainly do not want to die. I'm having trouble finding reasons to live and reasons to continue to endure all of this pain but I certainly do want to find a reason to live and a goal or plan for the future.

[guiltier65]

I'm glad that you signed the contract. I know it was hard to do, but hopefully helpful. stay strong Dexter. There has got to be hope somewhere. (i don't know where, but hopefully somewhere)

[dexter]

Thank you G I am trying so hard but it is so hard. I left work at 10:30 today. The april fools jokes everyone laughing was like a knife in my heart and I couldn't stand it. home now going to try to eat something. I have an emergency response number if I need it.

[guiltier65]

I know it is hard. I tried to reach out to someone today and their response was to tell me about a disappointment going on in their life. It made me feel foolish for reaching out. I wish i could go home today. I am having such a rough time being a nurse today. I can't even take care of myself, how am i supposed to care for others. Use that number if you need to and keep reaching out. I'll be around.

[dexter]

Thank you Guiltier don't feel foolish for reaching out even if someone responds negatively you never know how positively it will sit in their heart and mind and maybe they will come to appreciate it later.

I appreciate your reaching out to me... I am having a really hard time and I'm having trouble trying to offer help to others. And I'm having great trouble trying to reach out IRL for help for myself. I know my coworkers are concerned about me but now i'm so withdrawn from them and I can't bring myself to talk to them. I've built a complete wall around myself I noticed this morning that when I sneezed no one in the room even said "Bless You" to me because I've made it seem like I don't want to be talked to. I have no one IRL to talk to except for doctor appointments and the past few weeks I've tried to reach out to people at work but I guess I am too subtle because they haven't been returning my conversation and I hate to admit this but I am desparate for someone in the group to reach out and talk to me and I just can't stand it there anymore. Why can't I initiate any kind of talk with just one person there if I need it so much?

[dexter]

I wanted to share this with my manager at work and possibly a coworker or a friend and thought it was a good idea and talked it over with my T but today when I was there I felt absolutely against sharing it.

13 usually unspoken tips if your loved one struggles with depression.

[guiltier65]

Bless you, Dexter! It is so hard to reach out after we've done such a good job of isolating ourselves. My thought is just take it slowly and don't expect immediate results. I felt bad about dumping my junk on you on your earlier post. I'm sorry.

[dexter]

Oh please to not feel bad in fact thank you for sharing we are here to share.

[elevatedsoul]

i liked that list...
those are just some simple things that normies dont get

happens to me all the time, thats why i dont open up to anyone...
everytime i tried i was hit with either "yeah i was going through that exact same thing because of this" or "dont worry, youll be ok" or "you just need to pray, you need god in your life" or "things aren't so bad" ect ect ect

whats the point in it
they just dont get it - sure maybe they were sad before, but what i feel is not sadness... its a monster, a cthulhu... and its alive in my head, this is more than feelings and emotions...

trying to escape the beast...
trying to kill it for good...


alone

[dexter]

I made it out to my old support group last night and went to the diner with them afterwards.

[Fuzzybear]

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by dexter

I made it out to my old support group last night and went to the diner with them afterwards.

you're very lucky to have found a support group. I'm trying and not having any luck.

[dexter]

I go to DBSA support groups I like their format:

Support Groups | DBSA New Jersey

My old group is the Friday night in New Brunswick but I see they now have another closer to me that I may try instead unless I decide to just stick with the Friday night.

The group is much smaller I was told that is because there are now more groups and people are spread out among them... changes the dynamic but gives everyone a little more time to speak.