What should I do?

Hi this is my first time posting here. I just want friendly opinions on what to do, this might be long so I understand if people don't read it.

I've had depression since I was a teenager. For the whole summer when I was 16, I basically laid in bed and cried and felt like crap. People use the word depression to describe different feelings I've realized, I believe there is different levels of depression. Mine is basically where I hate myself to the core. I just hate me. I know its a skewed perspective, there's lots of positive things about me to like but I can't wrap my brain around them or convince it to change. I'm 21 currently, and I was feeling better from my depression but in the last 6 months it has hit me again. I feel terrible. I got home from work today and just couldn't convince myself to do anything that I wanted to do like tan or go workout or even play video games. I just laid in bed and cried. Not like a little cry, like a hyper ventilating cry. I'm soo tired.. I don't like to share these thoughts with my friends and family because everyone, while they mean well, they just dont understand. I am here for some serious suggestions. I refuse to take not natural medication, I dont believe in it for myself. I don't know how to explain my feelings really... When I cry and feel crappy, I feel like I hurt so much. The pain of everything just hits me and it just hurts... I lost my dad 3 and a half years ago to suicide, but I've been depressed way before then. I feel like that doesn't help though, it's just more hurt that I try to shove away...

Nicole, i understand depression. It sucks the energy and the life out of you. It wears you out physically, emotionally. It depletes everything you hold dear and rips it from your life with great disinterest. I would get into therapy asap and also join a support group of your fellow peers. When around others with similar situations they accept you and understand you. And you can see the different levels and how people got past them. And you can make friends and eventually go places to outings.
Just don't sell yourself short is what i am saying... we are our brother's keeper and we need to reach out for help, who better than another in like shoes? i wish you all the best in your journey and recovery... blessings and tc

I second Omega's suggestion for therapy. Specifically group therapy, give it a shot. Not necessarily because it'll "cure" you but it'll give you a place to safely express your feelings out loud and not feel so alone. These forums are good for that too actually! Another few serious suggestions for managing depression:

- Checklists. I normally need to WRITE OUT what I need to do for the day, and on my bad days those checklists look like 1. get up 2. shower 3. eat. It helps to hold me accountable and motivate me a little, and reminds me that even if the tasks are small I still GET STUFF DONE.

- Protein and Iron. These things can help with energy, either in food or supplement form. My go-to depressive episode food is trail mix. No effort to make and shove in my mouth, tasty, and it gives my body a little extra boost.

- WRITING WRITING WRITING. Write how you feel during a depressive episode. It helps to validate those feelings later and purge them while they're happening.

- rubber bands for self injury thoughts, if you get those.

That's all I can think of right now ahhh. PM me if you ever wanna talk about it.

Very sorry to hear of your continued pain . . . far too many of us can relate. And, I'm very sorry for your father - the intense hopelessness and despair he must have felt! I hope you know that his choice had nothing to do with you.

Absolutely, therapy should be on the top of your list to empower yourself. There are many types of therapy, many types of therapists - if one doesn't seem to click with you, then try another.

You may interested in other posts here on PC concerning approaches to non-Rx approaches . . . some are as simple as cutting out wheat from your diet. In this Depression forum, you might consider reading Little Turtle's thread "Preventing Depression" - LOTS of posts and opinions, but informative. Also, I suggest reading through the Psychotherapy and Other Treatments threads.

There are no quick fixes but you are reaching out, which is the first step.

I like what others said especially Onward. you can help yourself and you can get the help you need in therapy.

Perhaps you should have a discussion with your psychiatrist about alternatives to medication.

It is exhausting. I can't afford therapy, I work 40 to 60 hours and barely pay my bills already. I also don't like support groups..I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings in front of even my friends, I hate crying in front of others..I have social anxiety and could never go to a support group I think... Thanks for the response. I know that's a good idea but I'm just not capable of that at this time I guess.