[toofargone]

hi guys. im 22 years old living in the Philippines. Iam a filipino citizen. Iam still at college and my life seems to get worse and worse. It started when we came back here in the Philippines, because my Dad was an OFW(Overseas Foreign Worker) he took me, my mom and little sister to Dubai. 2001 when we went back to the Philippines. I started college on that same year and my life here doesnt seem to get any better.

My first year as a college freshman didnt work out,during the third trimester I started not going to school. Just went out with my girlfriend because I wanted to talk to someone. Me and my parents dont have much communication, ever since I was a child they left me in the Philippines so I was closer to my aunts and uncles. When I was 2yrs old they always beat me up when I did something wrong.

All the trauma, the hurt still lives inside me. Thats one of the reasons I never became close to them. And now that I am an adult it got worse, my mom and little sister are the ones staying in our house.

We seldom talk, i have been to 3 colleges im taking up BSCS, and im still here. I feel so depressed, so lonely so afraid so lost. I dont have any friends, all i have is my girlfriend. They dont understand my emotions all they care for are the things we have around us.

Money, material things, but when it comes to the heart nothing. I drink alot now, smoke, I have a kid who is 2 years old already, I broke up with her mom because we had personal issues,it just wasnt working out. Ive been failing my grades for the past semester, my internet cafe business closed down 6 months ago it ran for 2years, i didnt go to school today, i cant find a way to escape everything, its like all my anxieties, problems have all come down on me. I have been absent at school for a month now, no one knows, im pretending im going to school but I just go to an internet cafe, or drink.

My parents think I'm a rebel, all i want is there understanding and compassion. They have been so tough on me, when I was growing up i felt so alone, unhappy and everytime I go to bed I have a hard time sleeping. I know the things I should do, focus on my studies, take care of my son and girlfriend, improve my lifestyle,stop smoking, fix my self in short. But my emotions get in the way, the stress, the hardship im going through now, the life ive messed up, its just too much.

I dont know what to do anymore, i feel so dry and low. No more peace of mind. THe only time I can relax is when I'm with my girlfriend because she understands me. Still I lie to her, pretending im at school. Its this feeling, is there something wrong with me?

[gostryter]

toofargone - sorry you're having such a tough time.

have you talked to a doctor about feeling so bad? or lots of colleges have advisors or counselors - perhaps you could trying talking to someone there?

sounds like you have some great goals!!! there's nothing wrong with asking for a bit of help to achieve them!!

keep posting here too ~ there are lots of nice people here!

[toofargone]

thank you so much gostryter.. im coping with the stresses of my life now, all the failures seem to get to me so much.anyway, my mom said we would see a doctor for help but up to now nothing. take care..

[meander]

((((toofar)))

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate! The doc could be a good idea, or even just talking to a therapist or someone in real life that's neutral could help too... good luck

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( toofargone ))))))))))))))))

[wickedwings]

hey, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. i've been through traumas in my childhood that affected me later on. do your parents know what had happened when you stayed with your aunts and uncles? if not, they have absolutely no clue. if they know about this, they might have a better understanding to what you are going through. i say, 'might', since not everyone understands. if they still don't understand, then, you have us here. we understand. i know how much you're suffering. please, know this, it's not your fault. having a therapist and a doctor can really help. i know you wish it could all get better just like that. we all do, but it's not like that. you are not alone in your journey. i hope i'm making sense.

[toofargone]

Thank you so much, all my life ive been feeling like this. Nothings changing,since i came here im feeling alot better, taking each and everyday slowly. Putting myself in the direction i must face. My parents dont have a clue and dont really care about my emotions. Ive handled all my ups and downs by myself even when i was just a kid.

there's something wrong with all of us.....you're not alone, by a long shot. love, pat