Death in the family

I post here every few months or so. For those who don't know, I had a very challenging relationship with my mother. No sexual abuse, but psychological abuse and spankings when I was younger. I don't actually believe that is always abuse. Back in the 70s Black, Mexican and Asian families believed in corporal punishment. That type of activity is dying out I think.
Anyway, I digress. My mom died in March. I was able to make peace with her during her last days in a nursing home in NOVA. I was sorry she had to die away from home in CA.
It took 3 years of intense therapy to get me to a place where I could forgive her. Now that she's gone, its very hard. My grief is complex. Much different than when my dad died in 03. I was a daddy's girl and the first born. His death tore me apart. Very straight forward. But my mom's death has me second guessing myself and remembering the few good times there were with her. I wish I could have appreciated her more during the last few years. But she was so difficult to love and even harder to please. And I hated the way she treated my younger sister. We're both pretty screwed up because of her.

I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how to feel. Still after a month. I'm in therapy and have been with this current therapist for 2 years. I'm working on it.

My professional career may be starting back up again, after 3 years of survival jobs. I'm sad that my mom isn't around to see it. And please guys, I know you mean well when you do it, but please don't say things like "she's in a better place," or "you'll see her again"...I'm Atheist. And while religious people may mean well, that only makes our grief harder to bear.

If anyone has advice on this or has gone through it, I'd love to hear something. Cos this sux!

Hi Onyx. I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. I agree, it sux.

I think you did the right things grieving and letting go of the painful past. It is remarkable that you can feel some good times. That is a sign of letting go of the errors of the past your mom made.

One time my mother paddled my sister with the wooden paddle and it broke. My sister was bawling and I was crying out of empathy and my mother was crying. I think we are all children inside that have been neglected or hurt when children. That is so difficult and one reason I cut people slack and lower my expectations. It also helps me to remember they did the best they could. That is all anyone can do. That is how we can end it, by letting go and being a more positive self assured person.

Hope your professional career acts as a way to reinvent your self concept. After a trauma like you have gone through, after the guilt and regrets, there is an opportunity to recreate how we identify ourselves.

Feel free to reply or private message me if other things arise from this. I am in a support group now that helps me deal with things like this. It is great processing online but also nice to have somewhere to go where there are people who understand.

ALl the best on weathering this storm and setting sail again.

I think it's okay to remember those few good times with her. I think it's good to forgive those who passed their mistakes and remember them for their good qualities. I don't mean you shouldn't acknowledge that they may have hurt you or anything of that sort, but you said you were second guessing yourself because you were remembering good times with her.

My grandmother recently died and she did terrible things to my mother and to myself. I do remember some good times with her though, and while I'm processing the bad things she did, I'm also trying to forgive her for them so I can move on.

I'm rambling, but I just wanted to support you in your process of grief and let you know that there is no right way to grieve. And there's no right or wrong way to feel about it. However you feel is just how you feel.

Seesaw

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

Wonderful words. Thanks so much. It helps.

Broke the paddle on her! Now that's an a#s whoopin. that's awful. I thank you for your kind words. And I appreciate you offering a shoulder.
I do attend a local DBSA group. It's OK. I get more out of my therapy. Anyway thanks again for the lovely words and thoughts.

Hi,
I think my mother screwed my siblings and me up. She passed away a couple of years ago and I am still grieving partially because it is difficult for me to accept that being in a bad shape myself I could not do better for her to have been or feel better her last months on earth. I do not believe in afterlife so, I cannot think she is in a better place now.
I had forgiven my mom already when she passed away. It took a long time. I think what was helpful to that process was to research about her childhood and other circumstances. I could see how her circumstances had screwed her up, as well. I do not think she had many options, really. She did not have much margin to maneuver. Understanding her development helped me to see her just as a human being, a companion in this journey. I am not sure if this is helpful to you but I wanted to share it just in case.
I am sending you a hug

My mother passed away a little over a year ago in January of 2015. We didn't really make peace with each other. Some days I can go without even a thought of her. Others I realize I had so many things I wanted to say and feel remorse for letting it slip by me. I feel angry that she never could stop using others, even her own children. I grieve for a mother I wish I'd had and know that it's too late for that. I never had a father figure either and so she took everything with her when she died. Just like a tornado, ran through a quick destructive life and dissipated leaving behind the damage.

My mother was a difficult person to love. She was verbally and physically abusive. She's even let her boyfriends do things to me and turn a blind eye. It was once revealed my virginity was sold to one of these men she called my "Uncle". She gladly got my older brother addicted to many drugs as well and she would offer them to me. Luckily I only went so far as to smoke weed. When my brother added meth into a pipe one day and then proceeded to touch me sexually, the feelings scared me so much, I'm pretty sure I've got some form of PTSD.

My mother died alone of heart failure and no one found out until the next day. I remember crying but I think for me it was because I was terrified of what type of debt/mess she'd left me to clean up. I was bitter that she never once, ever, tried to change even when I'd reached out to her numerous times earlier on to try to talk through my childhood.

At any rate, sorry about me rambling on about my mother.

You're probably feeling a bit of survivors grief, you may be even feeling relief (As horrible as that sounds), it's okay to have all these "What if" feelings floating around in your head and heart. Just remember that you did try to make peace. Even if she was difficult, you DID still try. It's okay to take some time to sort through this barrage of uncomfortable feelings.

It's only been a month! You can't expect yourself to feel and work through everything this complex in that amount of time reasonably. Remember, time can heal. You might have to suffer a while and I'm not gonna lie, it probably will be very difficult. Just accept that you're feeling the way you are, keep talking about it, let yourself take each day one at a time. I won't say she's in a better place or you'll see her again, however I will say she's no longer suffering. My mother's life was a cascade of misery and now she's free from it. I don't know the situation behind your mother's death so I'm hoping that was not insensitive on my part.

TL;DR It's only been a month, give yourself time to work through this. You've had a complicated relationship while she was alive, now that she's gone it'll be a bit complicated too. Talk about it, work through it, let yourself feel anything that may come your way. Time is the only solution here.

Sent from my iPad Mini 3 using Tapatalk.

((((hugs)))))

Wow. I'm so sorry for your childhood. There is no reason on Earth that any child should go through the abuse you endured. Yes, PTSD is definitely a possibility for you, not that I'm a shrink or anything.

While our childhoods were different, I do believe you get where I'm coming from. Its complicated and it hurts a lot! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me.