I Hate My Life.

I'm 35 years old and so unhappy and feel trapped that I do not want to live. I have started seeing a pyschcaligest and I have been taking anti-depressants. The anti-depressants help with my anger but I am still unhappy. I have a 1 year old boy and a 2 year girl who mean the world to me My mother died acouple years ago and my family accuses me of not including my parents enough once my daughter was born. There was huge tension and anger. We were then surprised with my son, and my parents reassured me they would be there to help out however they could. We'll my mom passed and my father has turned his back on me. I know it's not his responsibility but I could just use someone to lean on now and again. I've been self medicating for almost 2 decades by smoking weed. However my entire life I have been told I am a bad person, less of a person for smoking weed. I have never hurt anyone while high, or let it effect my at to day to day life. I am an accomplished electrician with a great job. I, and I mean I because my wife makes very little money, paid for the down payment for the house we live in, paid her 30 000 student loans off. So it's not like I smoke weed and lie on the couch all day. However now with the 2 kids, my desposable income has drastically shrunk. I want to start a small closet grow. I did it in the past and was very successful. However my wife, just like everyone else in my life says I am a bad person for smoking. I have NO support. Not my family, not even my wife. My pyschcaligest asked when I was last happy. I didn't have an answer. The other day it dawned on me though. I was happy when I was much younger. When I didn't care what people thought. I did what I wanted. I wasn't a bad kid. I just lived in the moment. I didn't constantly have people telling me how to live. Life is short and I want to live it how I want. However now I am financially stuck. If I get divorced I will be ruined. I will be separated from my kids. I will surely not want to live then. I feel so stuck and with each passing day it gets worse not better. I am so lost

Marriage and children can make one feel trapped. They definitely place limits on one's freedom. Children are expensive. It sounds, however, that you truly love your kids and are devoted to them. I hope they add joy to your life. You sound like you have a lot going for you: a great job, two wonderful children, a wife, a house. I hope you can feel gratitude for what you have. And I hope you can find some relief from your depression. Young children suffer when their parents are depressed.

Thank you for taking the time to listen. I am grateful for what I have. I do tell myself and know that I have so much and other people have it much worse. However this doesn't really alleviate my feelings. My children are everything to me. I have the 2 greatest kids. But like you said I am worried my depression will be harmful to them. I'm confused if they would be better off if my wife and I weren't married. I want what's best for my kids. That is my priorty. However I want to live my life how I want, peacefully. I want to be happy too. Over the past 10 years I have grown farther and farther apart from my friends, to the point I literally have no friends anymore. I just wish my wife didn't "police" me. I feel we have grown farther apart. I don't come to her with anything because I feel she passes judgment. It is not a partner and partner relationship. It's always a matter of what I am doing wrong I am costantly being told what I need to improve. Meanwhile I don't tell my wife what to do, other then to pick up a hobby and take more time to herself. I am not trying to change her. I feel she can't accept me for what I am. I have to change and I don't want.

Sorry you're feeling abandoned. I hope you can find some light at the end of this tunnel.

Hi Joe,
Thank you for sharing. Please, consider this: you may have clinical depression. I mean you may have a severe depression. That means that you have a mental health condition and that maybe you can benefit from medication plus therapy, but it is going to take time and that depression could be with you forever, with ups and downs. For many of us here things are in this way. Also, you could have a physical condition contributing to your depression. Perhaps you could look at it. I had anemia and hypothyroidism and those illnesses were inadvertently impacting on my behavior. I have currently osteomyelitis and also this affects my behavior, yet I have depression but it is important to consider my osteomyelitis when evaluating my depression. Chronic osteomyelitis can make you feel tired and that can trigger depression, for example. OK, sorry if I am giving you too many useless details, it is just to illustrate and for you to consider as many factors as possible.
About weed, personally I am not against weed. But I am not sure if it is helpful to you given your condition right now. I was told weed would be good for me ( I have muscle spasms) but it did not work for me. But if weed worked, I would take it, definitely.
On the other hand, being overwhelmed can sink you in depression. Conversely, depression makes us feel overwhelmed because of even the stupidest things. Depression works in misterious and awful ways. We do not know what causes depression, or, maybe it would be better to say that causes and consequences of depression are confusing. It is real that you are facing various challenges (including your mom passing away recently) and those challenges could cause your depression. But, from another perspective, depression is a ****** that prevents you from reaching the tools you otherwise would have to face those challenges successfully. It is like depression causes an imparement.
What I want to say is that we should not underestimate the power of depression. Regardless depression's causes, Depression seems to be something that grows inside us and then has a life on its own and works against us.
Sorry I am being obscure, English is not my mother tongue.
OK, hope this is helpful.
I am sending you a hug

Thank you for caring!
Thank you for caring and taking the time to talk to me. I am having a better day today and overall I am feeling more positive. I have given up on the medication. I feel like I was still depressed when on it, so I don't want another drug for my body to be dependent on. It has been almost a week without meds, just gave them up cold turkey. I'm just trying to enjoy myself, because there is lots to enjoy even though it's hard to see sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I have not done a complete 180 and everything is great. I just think my mental attitude has shifted a bit. I just keep telling myself, "life is to short to be worried and stress all the time. Stuff is not going to workout sometimes. Just do what makes me happy without concern of what people around me will think." Thanks again for lending an ear. I think we are both strong enough to conquer this. It will not be easy, but I think it can be done. Sending you my love. Best wishes.

Hi,
It is OK if you do not use medication. I do not use it currently, either. As long as you are mindful towards yourself and pay attention to alarming signs, if any, you will be OK. You can come to the Forum any time you like. Here there will be support