[mulan]

I don't like to bother other people in the forum with my posts.
I am a little selfish, it's how I am. Sometimes I have the need to have people listening to me, cheering me up and beeing nice with me. But I hardly do the same; I normaly don't feel like doing that, I don't care.
Let me justify myself, to not look bad. I don't know any of these people, I can read about their problems but many times it's hard to empathize and become truely concerned about that one person because I have no ideia what lies beyond. These are not enough for me to build a person and a personality in my head.

I don't think I am a cold person. I think of me as someone with a heart that can be moved easily by other people problems, so, clearly this two things don't add up. But I don't think they can't exist together.

I blame in part the indifference I feel towards the world in general, and maybe I say that this is depressions fault. I accept that I am selfish and that I don't care about other people as much as I should do, and sincerely, I am tired of hating myself for not caring, so I embrace it now (I think).

I am really tired of fighting my flaws and getting disapointed with myself everytime. If I don't feel like doing whatever I don't feel like doing I guess trying it is even worse, trying is feeling bad even so and pretending to someone else...and so feeling bad while making me do some thing I don't want to, just because it is the right moral thing to do and still feeling bad at the end.

I didn't plan to write this, as I normally don't have a reason to post or same to say. I do it when I feel that urge not to be alone and to been listened to.
Today I am sad, sometimes happens just because... And so I was here thinking to my self how meanless is my life. How I for years have not been living, but just existing, not having important memorable moments in my life, not having a real friend. That's who I am, mentaly fealing far away from every living soul and doing my responsabilities because I have to do them. But there's no passion in my life and I kind have the feeling that this life will always be with me. I mean, so many years, if something was to change it already had change, there were many opportunities.

It's just that my life is so dull and I have been stucked with it for an eternity. I really just wanted people to know that, not anyone in particular. And in fact if I try to think about anyone in particular I am not sure I want to tell my story to someone. But then here I am, alone, fighting this unfair battle on my own, while everyone out there has the opportunity to live their lifes. I just want someone in the universe to valorize my story. Someone to understand that I have all the right to be unhappy. I want the world to feel simpaty for me (someone, somewhere). I guess I want someone to validate my feelings.

Shouting them in my head is just a bunch o echoes that never leave.

[JohnCrow]

You are not narcissistic for wanting to be acknowledged for existing

You need not denigrate your value. Outside of this spate of mental illness that harries you now I am more than certain that there is someone who wants to be a part of the whole panoply that is life but, like others here (i.e. me, for one) you feel like you have been forced to be an audience member for some grand play that everyone else gets to participate in

You know that, if you could rise from your chair and walk on stage you would have something to add, to be more than bit player, more than some walk on

Damn it, I wish could follow my own advice - I am good at this. If you know how to do this, patent it and then sell it to the masses, here amongst the audience of the isolated

[Clara22]

I think you can acknowledge your flaws and embrace them, and, at the same time, be committed to your improvement. They are not mutually exclusive. On the contrary, accepting and loving oneself eases the process of change for the better. Particularly regarding "not caring". As you said, you would like to have others' attention, love, and consideration. We all want and need that. OK, reciprocally, the other people expect the same from you, otherwise they will grow tired of you sooner or later. Reciprocity is part of human evolution.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

I think you can acknowledge your flaws and embrace them, and, at the same time, be committed to your improvement. They are not mutually exclusive. On the contrary, accepting and loving oneself eases the process of change for the better. Particularly regarding "not caring". As you said, you would like to have others' attention, love, and consideration. We all want and need that. OK, reciprocally, the other people expect the same from you, otherwise they will grow tired of you sooner or later. Reciprocity is part of human evolution.

Thank you for your answear.
I know it very well, the theory.

Let me just say one thing, I sincerely believe that's the rule, independently of me doing or not the right thing. And now that I think about it (and I am not sure I did or did not realize this before) that is probably my biggest fear and the thing that I always expect to happen. I think people won't like me and if they do they will quickly come to their senses. So I am aware all the time about the signals people do that show that and when it happens I just step asside because I hate beeing a burden.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by mulan

Thank you for your answear.
I know it very well, the theory.

Let me just say one thing, I sincerely believe that's the rule, independently of me doing or not the right thing. And now that I think about it (and I am not sure I did or did not realize this before) that is probably my biggest fear and the thing that I always expect to happen. I think people won't like me and if they do they will quickly come to their senses. So I am aware all the time about the signals people do that show that and when it happens I just step asside because I hate beeing a burden.

But "people" is too general. Some people will like you, some won't. Regardless, everybody I know wants to be respected, and loved. If I do not pay attention to them, sooner or later I will miss their attention, love, or whatever. But if I pay attention to them, there is no guarantee I will get anything good enough back. Unfortunately I have to take the risk. This is difficult for me right now. I am trying to avoid risks.
But, on the other hand, my depression does not help. Sometimes, I don't want to see anybody (although I resent if nobody seems to care about me). Sometimes I make the decision not to continue cultivating some relationships because I feel they do not understand me. And, again, it is risky, because maybe these are the only ones that care about me (even they may not be the best for me). Sometimes, I cannot deal with people whatsoever. I just can't . But if I can't , how can I expect people would like to deal with me? Unless I was there for them when they needed me...
It is complicated.
But you are right: it is a good start when we learn to accept ourselves as we are in the present moment