[Goodfella]

Hello all. I never thought I would ever signup to one of these sites, But I've hit a wall.. again...for the millionth time. Sorry for my lack of introduction. Just very recently, I was required to undergo an evaluation. It was extremely short and not very thorough, But I don't think it needed to be. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and it makes sense. For the past 10 years or so (I am a 24 year old male), I've been balancing on my happiness, Always holding on but not fully pulling myself back up. I was prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150mg and I've only been taking it for about 2 weeks. Now, I am NOT a fan of pills or medication and that's why it has taken this long to get on them, But I've reached a point in my life where I am desperate to feel AWAKE or HAPPY or CONFIDENT or whatever i'm searching for. I honestly can't remember the last time I was happy... For anybody willing to read this, Let me give you a background into my past to maybe give understanding.. I apologize if this is too long to read. If it is, Scroll to the bottom and I'll leave just a short description of my concerns. And Also thank you for any replays, Good or Bad. I just need to get this off my chest because I've about reached my end with ALL of this.


My parents divorced when I was about 7 or 8. My parents maintained a good relationship. I was distant from my dad but only in miles. He would visit and call on the phone. As much as it sucked and it made me sad sometimes, I had sort of an understanding even at that young age of it. I'm the youngest of 3, My brother was a douchebag to me always, and my sister grew up like any other girl does, Moody (lol).

I was a happy kid, doing fairly well in school without really trying. I was a typical class clown, With quite a lot of friends in elementary and middle school. You could say I was a skater kid in my later years. I'd be outside and with friends a lot, Mostly skateboarding, And i'd have the occasional girlfriend, even though that doesn't mean anything when you're that young. My hobbies are playing drums, video games. Typical stupid bs.

I had a GREAT memory and I think I was really bright honestly, Even though I didn't like school much. Then I started smoking pot and smoking cigarettes around the age of 13 or 14. I knew cigarettes were stupid but I got hooked on them. Pot was just fun and I just being a kid.

My depression started when I dropped out of school in the middle of 7th grade. My reason for dropping out was I felt I could do it on my own. At that age, You can safely assume I wasn't using my time wisely. I would get high on the weekends, I would play computer games ALL night (no life). I formed a lot of bad habits in this time. The fun lasted about a year. I still saw my friends, But as time went on, They were moving forward and I wasn't. Pot started making me anxious and uncomfortable, and overthink everything. When I would hang out with them, They would talk about school and stuff. New people they met, girls etc etc. And I didn't know where I fit in that. I felt jealous, I knew I made a mistake. I was embarrassed. I felt like a ghost at times. Always the new guy in a way.

As time went on it got worse, My habits, my hatred for myself grew, and I started to withdraw. I tried to go back to school, But they wouldn't let me (idk why, Probably related to money).

I feel stupid, I feel out of shape, I feel ugly, I feel boring, I feel like all around garbage. Suicide was on my mind all the time, And ever since. Video games, Movies, and stupid habits were my only distraction. It became my life. I started drinking around 17, and that became another layer on the cake. I knew I had become a loser, and even though I knew what I should do to help myself, That was always for tomorrow.

I moved around the time I was supposed to graduate in hopes to have a fresh start. Be a new place and pick up the pieces, But ofcourse my problems just traveled with me. I eventually got a job and worked hard, But my coworkers and friends saw an anger, weakness, and negativity in me, And ofcourse nobody wants to be around that, And that is understandable.

I've always had a plan to fix myself, by myself, with no medication. I would work REALLY hard at my job, and proud that I have that trait in me.

My goals include: Going to school, getting a good job, get in shape, get a girlfriend (GOD am I lonely..) Better my MIND in anyway that I can, Get better at my hobbies, Learn to do new things.

JUST MAKE MYSELF PERFECT (impossible I know) (I'm a perfectionist).

But life doesn't work out like you plan, and apart from my own laziness and lack of drive, Financial problems and medical issues plague my life and family, And when something goes wrong with me, no matter how small, its a huge.


Basically, It feels my mind can't take anymore stress or depression or whatever the hell it is.. I feel no drive, I forget things, My memory is shot, and school seems impossible to me, as well as forming relationships with people.. At my current job I watch people chat with ease while I work my *** off and get treated as just a worker, Not one person has ever asked a single thing toward getting to know me, and when I do talk people don't seem very interested at all. People say I'm too hard on myself and I agree... I just can't take anymore of this and my limit has been reached..,

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically long story short.. Have I ruined my life, My brain, my body and my future? Should I be on more medication? ( and if someone has experience with this please replay about it) I really don't want and I don't see the point in counseling.. I already have a lot in perspective. I just want to move on and get back on track
And regarding medication, The only time I do feel outgoing and comfortable is when I have been drinking, If that gives someone an idea...

Also, I apologize if my writing is very elementary and drawn out, I notice it also. Thank you for any replies.

[MtnTime2896]

So, here's my advice that is based solely on personal experience and you can take it any which way you wish:
First, drinking has to go. I'm an alcoholic and I've fallen off the wagon enough times to know how hard you can hit that ground, and how bad it feels after several times of getting taken the hell out. Alcohol is a depressant and there's no point in trying to get better with that crap in your system because it just won't allow it to take place.
Second, the medication gives you an extra boost but its not a cure-all by any means. In order for it to have any real benefit to you, you have to fight for it. That includes working out, eating right, maintaining personal hygiene etc. These things release natural endorphins.
Third (and could've been in the second), you got to see somebody. I've always thought that I was very self-reflective and aware. I thought that a therapist would simply tell me what I already knew. Well, the thing about depression is that it clouds your judgment and natural human survival instinct. It breaks you down by making you feel overwhelming emotions of anger, despair and/or a state of emotional numb. Most people think that depression just means that you're really sad, that's a bunch of bull. The fact is that depression is crippling in the way you perceive things and your motivation (I don't think you're lazy, I think you're depressed, there's a difference).
As for your past, you can only forgive yourself and strive every day to become better. Everyone has a different way of accomplishing this.
Now, with everything I just told you, this is what I've learned to be true and what I've been advised myself. Do I follow it to perfection? No. I fall off the reservation so often I make my own head spin. I try, though.
What else can I do?

[elevatedsoul]

hey... welcome...
its true.. medicine will just give a little boost... like a cane or crutch helps you get around when you need extra support...
i understand what you are feeling a bit... i am 26 years old but age doesnt really matter i think...
depression can make you feel all those things... sometimes it might not even feel like depression at all...
i too struggled with wanting to take any medicine or talk about any problems...
but actually talking with a profesional can be much better than the medicine..
where we think we know and understand exactly whats going on and how we feel... they can show us where we neglect to see and feel... to help us heal and recover the damage to move forward into recovery to have a better life...
therapy isnt always just about talking about problems.. they also work with you to teach you techniques and methods and things to do to learn to cope with things.. how to handle the depression and anxiety.. healthy ways to deal with things... without turning to drugs or alcohol... self harm or anything more damaging... because the drugs and alcohol and harm will lead to more guilt... shame... withdrawal... and increase the overall symptoms... i cant take back the things i have done.. and i know i have to learn to accept things... in order to heal things...

its important to take care of yourself... treat yourself well, even though you might feel dont deserve it...
i would really consider therapy for everyone.. but especially when the problems start at younger age... because we havent had the time to develop ourselves so well at younger ages...
even though we think we did, and that we were fine and all that..

i dont think you ruined your life... i am a bit of a perfectionist as well... although probably cant tell it anymore...
whats important is for us to remember that things happened in the past... those things happened... they are not happening and dont have to happen or continue to happen and we can make a change... we have to work for it though and accept the change.. sometimes when you are depressed for a long time you become fearful of not being depressed i think... because all you know is the depression and its scary to think about what we would be without it..
but we would still be us... just a cleaner happier healthier version...

we all have regrets... but its not the regrets we should focus on... but how we can use the regrets to accomplish what we truly desire in the future...
if we didnt make mistakes we wouldn't know what we really wanted... now you know what you want, so you have to run after it and fight for it ...
it helps to have good doctor and a good therapist to help you along the way...
the medicine can help take the edge off while you work through the emotional problems.. just i think we shouldnt' think about the medicine as a cure, because it doesnt fix the problem.. it just covers it up a little so we can deal with it on an easier level...
your happiness is whats important...

btw.. maybe talking with some folks here could be helpful for you too...
there is nothing wrong with chatting here... no one is going to attack you... we promise...

[seesaw]

Okay here's my take:

You made some bad decisions as a kid, which we all do. You have depression, and many of us do, including me. But you can work through this. You can develop coping skills. If you have insurance ask for a Therapist to do CBT with you (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I think your plans are great. Go back to school, get your education, get a job, and have the life you want. You CAN have the life you want, you just have to dig in and work for it. And it will be tough with depression tagging along. There will be struggles and you will need to go easier on yourself and pace yourself maybe slower than colleagues, but it can be done.

I think if you go through with your plans you would be an inspiration and role model to many.

Seesaw

[Goodfella]

I'm clean off all substances. I'm also on probation which adds to the stress. I feel completely dead inside, My sense of humor is gone, Thinking feels impossible.. This stupid Wellbutrin's are just giving me side effects so far... But worst of all is know that if I wasn't around anymore nobody would really give a ****. I've always tried to be a good person, Not judge others, Help out when they need it, Don't be annoying and just make small talk, But I guess in my generation you have to be a complete tool and a loud idiot to actually make an impact on people..

Ever since I moved here, EVERY GIRL i've talked to has had a kid before they were 18, And i'm not exaggerating.. I have NO support in my life..

I'm invisible and I KNOW it's because i'm not good looking. How do you fix that? What pill can they give you for that?

My brain is ****ed up, I'm in panic all the time, I can't think, I can't concentrate anymore, My thoughts race and i forget things ALL the time. I even forget what day it is.

It feels as if god, life or whatever is out there, Hates my guts, and puts me in situations that I can't handle. I often think maybe I am one of those suicide statistics, maybe its a form of natural selection. The only reason i'm still alive is that I don't want to hurt my family, otherwise I would've painted the ceiling a long, long time ago.

The more that i've read about this stuff is that nobody is cured, they just deal with it and have ups and downs. but in reality it never gets better, So whats the point?

[Goodfella]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Okay here's my take:

You made some bad decisions as a kid, which we all do. You have depression, and many of us do, including me. But you can work through this. You can develop coping skills. If you have insurance ask for a Therapist to do CBT with you (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I think your plans are great. Go back to school, get your education, get a job, and have the life you want. You CAN have the life you want, you just have to dig in and work for it. And it will be tough with depression tagging along. There will be struggles and you will need to go easier on yourself and pace yourself maybe slower than colleagues, but it can be done.

I think if you go through with your plans you would be an inspiration and role model to many.

Seesaw

im clean off all drugs and alchohol

I've gone to therapy before and i don't see a point in it. I mean I already KNOW whats wrong with me. I try to fix it myself.. My brain is just ****ed up or something idk... Like i said, My personality is dead, I'm anxious and stress myself out, I have anger issues, My problem solving skills are gone, my humor.. I would've thought medication would be enough for that.. I can't even afford this stuff WITH insurance, because people are greedy ****ers, And I REFUSE to pay for one to talk to me and tell me stuff I already know.

I've often thought maybe i'm in hell. It seems everybody is against me, And i don't give them any reason to be.. Idk maybe its hopeless. Maybe this is life telling me to leave. It seems only great looking people thrive in life. They get people interested and they don't even have to say anything.. To give you example, lets say Im at work and one of my coworkers pulls a prank, Other people would laugh at it, But If I did the SAME EXACT thing I would probably get fired.

Possible trigger:

I've been in this **** for too long and i am on the very edge of painting my ceiling with my head. The only reason I havent done that yet was for PEOPLE , and they do nothing more than walk all over me. Plus I can't do it the way I want to anyways anymore. I think it should be legal honestly, Go to a Doctor, and he slips you an IV and off you go.

I'm too mentally and physically tired to keep dealing with this, Its BEYOND this slow help. These stupid pills are USELESS and only giving me side effects so far. These things are ****ing DANGEROUS and i've never read one story of them actually working and do what they were supposed to do. i didnt itch as bad as I did last night when I had the chicken pox.