I wish...

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to exist. Not that I would end my existence. I have come to the belief it is impossible for any of us to do that unless it is truly time for us to do so but I wonder why my time hasn't come and sometimes I wish it would...

I think this is a genuine thought many ponder, I know I certainly have - what is the point to this existence? before I became a Mother I thought this everyday and couldn't understand my place but then I suddenly had a purpose which is a hard and scary job and I often ponder the ifs and whys of that but it is a purpose none the less to exist in this moment in time.

Some people find comfort in the belief that there are higher powers guiding this whole show or there is something awaiting you...which I find comfort in on dark days. I think it is hard to know our purpose until we are able to feel the value in ourselves and something

I know that is not much help, but I understand what you are feeling

I am 41.

The only child I ever had I was forced to give away when I was 18. I have tried to get ahold of him but I am starting to feel perhaps he does not want to know me.

I have a strong faith in God and Jesus but that is not something which is preventative of suicide to me. To me, the preventative of suicide is that you can only really at most severely injure yourself unless God decides to let your time on earth be over - otherwise you may just end up vegetative until that day, no matter what you do.

My purpose is not really in question. Even though I do not work, I do manage to help people from time to time and I think that can be a purpose as well. What bothers me though is it seems I upset people too much to do any good lately - so I am not able to complete any purpose, which causes me to wonder why I remain if my purpose is done?

I am so sorry that you were forced to give your child away, I apologise if my comment caused you any offence and you have my deepest sympathies

I often feel like I upset people a lot too, I have issues with avoiding people because of that underlying feeling and so I am often seen as unreliable or socially lazy. I am also very sensitive to others moods so I am not sure if I am overreacting on my part, it is something I am working on.

That is a tough question in regards to being done and I am not sure how to respond other than ask is that feeling based on how others are reacting to you at this moment in time?

You have given me a lot to think about

You did not offend me. I was just letting you know a bit about me.

Yes it is about how others respond to me bc that's how I know how well I am doing with helping or listening or etc - and atm I just fail.

You sound like a very caring person to be so considerate of how you are making others feel, I am sorry you feel like you are failing atm

Thank you for saying that - means a lot at the moment *hugs*

I too have faith in God and Jesus also. I truly believed in what you said about how you can injure yourself if you make an attempt when God feels like it's not your time to go. I feel depressed a lot and can feel frustrated and then others (who are Christians) tell me that I am wrong for feeling this way. It only adds to the misery.

There are times I wonder if God just wants things to be like that? Some people tell me that God wants us to have an abundant life and those ill feelings and hopelessness is not what God wants. I'd like to think so, but why does God allow it when I pray about it and do the best I can to rescue myself?

I'm still wondering why on earth I survived cancer. To be honest, a part of me really wanted to die, even then. Now I wish I wouldn't have fought but I did. Why am I still here? No idea but there's gotta be some reason I didn't kick the bucket. I have someone in my life I can't bare to leave, otherwise I would've taken my fate into my own hands already. It's a really powerful question with a hidden answer you might not find for a while. I couldn't tell you why you're here but there's some reason.

None of those questions really matter do they?

I have missed you.

The questions are a wonderment and amazement at the same time to me - as well as a source of pain st times, so yes and no is the answer to your question. Yes they matter bc of their effect on me, no they do not matter bc they are only a function of life I cannot change and will never be able to understand.

I agree with you but it's both a puzzlement and source of pain at times, other times an amazement and gratefulness...

I don't believe God wants misery for us - but I believe a lot of things play into what happens in our life. Some of those things are within our control, some are not, and some never were. The things God does for us is give us a chance for hope even through darkness, the choice on how much pain and bitterness to hold onto or let go of after the event is over, loving support to help us through it and the wisdom to learn from it in any way we can.

It is my belief though that we are living in the very end of the end times and as such the torment will be great. Some of that torment will cause people to turn toward God and some will draw further away. I believe a lot of the things that are happening have to do with the ancestry of our nations, their leaders and our families but other things have to do with choices others made and we crossed paths with due to choices we made and still other things have to do with our personal choices. God is always there for us - but there are some things which come with consequences (not true "punishment" but consequence) and must be dealt with as such. Does that make sense?