[PsychNitrous]

I've been starting to feel very self-destructive the past couple of days. It's this angry, urgent feeling in my chest that I just need to do things to hurt or ruin myself. I've felt this way before, too, and it's just strange to me. I want to give up on anything positive I've been doing, like work or relationships or therapy. I want to hurt myself and take all the crazy drugs I can, just to ruin myself even more. And it feels like I need to do this RIGHT NOW, before I get a chance to think about it maybe? I don't know how to stop it, and in some ways it feels like I can't stop it, like it's a runaway train.

I remember feeling like this once before, during another long major depressive episode. I remember that I was borderline anorexic, restricting my eating and working out excessively. I was abusing drugs, even got to a point where I was using at work to keep myself high all day. I was self-harming, and took some of the more intense urgest to SH out on inanimate objects. At my job then I did a lot of unpacking of boxes, and there were times I would take a break and would just sit and stab pens into empty boxes, over and over. I remember listening to dysphoric music and feeling the waves of self-hatred and destruction just wash over me. I can't remember the end of it.

Has anyone felt like this before? I can't tell if it's a part of the depression or something else. Both now and the last time I remember this feeling I was severely depressed, but I was using drugs back then and am now again. Not the same drugs, but I still use socially. I have a history of drug abuse though, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe this is something related to that, not the depression at all? I don't know, and I haven't had a chance to talk with my therapist or anyone else about this. I just wonder if anyone else knows this feeling, or has any insight into where it comes from.

[Stronger]

Hi friend,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. My friend, You are NOT alone in this.
Whenever I find that I have let myself slip back into a major depressive episode, it feels very similar to that. Like I am just watching my life spin out of control while sitting in the corner completely powerless and helpless, unable to do anything to stop it. I have been there several times over the years. But I am not there right now, so yes there is hope and a way out of this pit that seems neverending. There is a chance to turn things around, but you first have to give yourself that chance. Every severe major depressive episode I've ever had, I was only able to get out of it after going inpatient for a few days to a few weeks (depending on the hospital). That was always the protection I needed from myself, the safe zone I needed with people who genuinely understood what I was going through and knew how to help, and the launch pad I needed to start being able to do life again.
Have you ever been inpatient before? There are all sorts of stereotypes around it, but seriously, if you feel like you can't trust yourself right now, and know that something has to change, there is absolutely NO shame in getting the help you need. Don't listen to that voice telling you that it's not even worth trying to get help. It is worth it. Because you are worth it.

These feelings may or may not be coming from the drugs, but to me it sounds similar to a major depressive episode that comes from the awful monster of major depression. However, I can guarantee that the drugs aren't helping in any useful or productive way at all. They can definitely make this season of your life a lot worse, even if it feels like an escape. Because the crash coming down is always harder, and you are not helping yourself, you are just avoiding the problem, and avoiding recovering. Which shoots out your chances of overcoming this monster.

There is hope, my friend, and there is a way out. It's not going to be easy. But there is a way through this.
Good luck, hermano/a.
Please don't give up. You matter.

[PsychNitrous]

Originally Posted by Stronger

Hi friend,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. My friend, You are NOT alone in this.
Whenever I find that I have let myself slip back into a major depressive episode, it feels very similar to that. Like I am just watching my life spin out of control while sitting in the corner completely powerless and helpless, unable to do anything to stop it. I have been there several times over the years. But I am not there right now, so yes there is hope and a way out of this pit that seems neverending. There is a chance to turn things around, but you first have to give yourself that chance. Every severe major depressive episode I've ever had, I was only able to get out of it after going inpatient for a few days to a few weeks (depending on the hospital). That was always the protection I needed from myself, the safe zone I needed with people who genuinely understood what I was going through and knew how to help, and the launch pad I needed to start being able to do life again.
Have you ever been inpatient before? There are all sorts of stereotypes around it, but seriously, if you feel like you can't trust yourself right now, and know that something has to change, there is absolutely NO shame in getting the help you need. Don't listen to that voice telling you that it's not even worth trying to get help. It is worth it. Because you are worth it.

These feelings may or may not be coming from the drugs, but to me it sounds similar to a major depressive episode that comes from the awful monster of major depression. However, I can guarantee that the drugs aren't helping in any useful or productive way at all. They can definitely make this season of your life a lot worse, even if it feels like an escape. Because the crash coming down is always harder, and you are not helping yourself, you are just avoiding the problem, and avoiding recovering. Which shoots out your chances of overcoming this monster.

There is hope, my friend, and there is a way out. It's not going to be easy. But there is a way through this.
Good luck, hermano/a.
Please don't give up. You matter.

Thanks, it helps to know that someone else knows what I'm talking about. I haven't ever been inpatient, and honestly it kind of scares me to think about stepping away from my life even for a few days. I am seeing a therapist, though, and in a couple of days I see my psychiatrist again, so maybe a change in medication will help. I think I am safe, for now.

[Fizzyo]

((((((((Psychnitrous)))))))))

I'm so sorry you have these feelings too. I have felt very strongly like that, especially about SI.

For me the only route out, apart from indulging the impulse/urge is to phone a helpline and stay on the phone until I feel more in control, however long it takes.

I hope and pray you stay as safe as you can.
I look forward to seeing your posts here. I believe you're worth it, however you feel.

[PsychNitrous]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

((((((((Psychnitrous)))))))))

I'm so sorry you have these feelings too. I have felt very strongly like that, especially about SI.

For me the only route out, apart from indulging the impulse/urge is to phone a helpline and stay on the phone until I feel more in control, however long it takes.

I hope and pray you stay as safe as you can.
I look forward to seeing your posts here. I believe you're worth it, however you feel.

I think it's early enough that I'm still safe. And I'll have more support soon, tonight is the last night I'll be sleeping alone until after my next appointment with my therapist, and I see my psychiatrist before then too. Today hasn't felt as intense, maybe because I gave in and got drunk last night. I keep hoping that it was a one-day thing this time, but I don't think there's much real chance of that.