In need of some support

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I had the opportunity to be open and honest with my care coordinator yesterday. But I wasn't. And I really should have been. Today has been a real struggle and I've only been awake a few hours. And now it's after hours so I guess I wait until tomorrow.

Knowing me, by tomorrow I will have changed my mind again and be glad that I kept my mouth shut. And then once again change my mind when it's too late to call and talk to anyone.

Not really sure why I'm posting, or what I'm even trying to say. I'm just trying to distract myself maybe. I'm trying to calm myself down and keep my mind off of where it keeps winding up, but the minute I stop whatever I'm doing it comes straight back.

Now I don't know what to do. Trying to stop myself doing all the wrong things. Think I just need a bit of support and some hugs maybe.. And maybe even a bit of blunt talking so I stop changing my mind...

Oh HS. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Can you rant on a voicemail, or even write a letter and post it this evening?

Thinking of you.

(((((( HS ))))))

I'm sorry you're struggling I know you've been in pain for a long time

In a sense I can relate, I change my mind a lot too.... I do not trust the professionals after some appalling experiences, and I am no longer young

I was thinking, maybe if you are open and honest, and "strong" and "insistent" (I know you have the "ability" to be all these things, as all of us do) the care coordinator may get things moving in the "right" direction and decide that you DO "meet the criteria" for DBT, STEPPS, or some other adequate and effective help. Don't wait until you're "old" like me before insisting on adequate care

PS I've observed so many posts over the years, from people in the UK, asking WHAT do they want before they offer help that actually helps. Do they want us dead first ?
(I'm sorry for the triggering thought, it makes me so angry how some of these professionals behave

It sounds like you have someone "good" working for you. Remember, we employ them and DEMAND that they help - not "hospital" again and new meds ...something that has been "proven" to be more effective...

I will try and be frank tomorrow.. It's just even if I say I don't want hospital or new meds I may not get the choice. If she thinks the risk is great enough then she just doesn't have a choice. And if I refuse hospital when she feels I need it then she can get me sectioned... This is what happened last time, and that was just the first day I met her.

They think that keeping me busy, getting me back into work and similar will somehow "fix" things. This is their idea of help currently that doesn't involve hospital. But past experience tells me this won't make a difference. I've worked, and still felt this way. I can change my life circumstances, I have a lot, but it doesn't change my head.

Tried calling care coordinator but she was busy so she got someone else to call me back. By that point I'd decides I didn't wanna talk about it anymore and tried to brush everything off and said I'd be fine. I guess they didn't really believe me..going in to see someone soon :/

I'm sorry you're in such pain HalloweenSkye.

If you've done the hospital thing and it doesn't work, tell them it doesn't work. What is it you're looking for? Just someone to talk to you?

I have a psychologist I've been talking to. It's talk therapy. Usually makes me feel better. Can you do something similar with a Crisis Hot Line if you don't have access to someone just to talk to.

Don't give up!

Tell them the hospital thing is more harmful than helpful... That you've thought about it carefully and you believe it will harm you more long term to go that route. Idk if you're seeing a therapist? "Continuity of care" can be a good thing, I've had some of my worst experiences with "unknown" doctors who "ambushed" me and then said some incredibly stupid and harmful things. Do these people know their words stick. Do they even care

So I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to talk to some unknown person. Only last year I was ambushed, again, by an unknown incompetent doctor. If I'd kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't have yet more layers of pain from these "people"

Thinking of you and wishing those who are there to help you wisdom and compassion...

Yeah unknowns are scary. Well she phoned again asking for more details, and mentioned hospital...I said I didn't want hospital and wanted to try and get through this without.. She seemed to understand so that's something I guess.

I'm actually not going to see them anymore either. Literally got off the phone AGAIN, care coordinator gets back in a couple of hours so she's gonna phone me instead...