I really don't want to live

What's the point? Why do I take all these meds? Why do I go to therapy? Why am I bothering to go back to school? None of it means anything. I don't see a future. I feel like sh it. I'm tired of feeling like sh it. I was hoping to get hit by a car as I crossed the street today. My T tells me, "it's all part of the process." Yea, well the process fu cking sucks. Process this, I want to die. But the sun will come up tomorrow and I'll go to work, just like I always do. Why do I bother?

Hi,
I don't know what to say because I am struggling myself. I do know that losing someone hurts. I've lost family members to suicide and although it happened 30 years ago for one of my family members, it still devastates me. I hope that someone can help you. Please don't give up.

What kind of medication do you take? Perhaps you should change your therapist until you find one that really understands you and can relate.

(((Super)))

I know how you feel. I could've typed everything you wrote. I felt that way so badly last week and well, the whole month preceding...I wonder a little if my meds are working or I've just had more caffeine today so my mood has improved a tad today.

It will get better. I promise. You have to keep trying. Maybe it's time to titrate off your meds and try something else. How long have you been on your current med regime?

Seesaw

I take klonopin, abilify, and prazosin in the morning. I take klonopin, prozasin, and lamictal at night. Been on all of that for at least 6 months with the exception of the abilify, which is the newest addition about a month ago.

Nighttime meds are kicking my butt... Going back to sleep now.

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I envy you sleeping right now. I haven't been able to get to sleep yet tonight and I'm afraid now I'll be up all night. Maybe the Abilify is having a negative side effect? Or maybe it's time to switch the other meds? Gotta give it time and try something different.

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I can relate, I've been dealing with anxiety/depression for over 20 yrs. I don't hold much hope for a cure.

I totally get nearly everything you're saying here. Could have written it myself. I'm living on blind faith at the moment. I don't know how I'm going to feel better, I just need to have faith that I will. I have gotten better before, I'm just impatient because I want to get better again. What are you studying? x

Uh oh- this comment makes me worry right now. 10 years of this is more than enough- another 10 and I might still not be feeling better? I suppose it's true what they say, you can't cure it, but can learn to manage it. Everyone else around me seems to have accepted that except for me. Have you ever had moments in time where you thought you could be rid of this horrid illness? Xx

Hi Superheroine,

I'm sorry you're struggling so much
I'd say that the meaning for you, could be right there underneath the depression..........
Although I understand it may seem impossible to feel it right now , don't forget that this doesn't need to mean that there's no meaning, "just" that you're in a place where you can't feel it right now.
And I'd completely agree with a review of your support:
Maybe the therapy sessions aren't moving, moving too slow or moving too fast........or maybe it's another T you need..........consistent feelings like the one's you talk about shouldn't just be "brushed off" as "part of the process".............."part of the process" or not they need addressing seriously!!
And different meds can have different effects on different people, so if they aren't helping you, then there will be plenty out there you can try..........it might be a matter of the abilify not having time to "kick in" fully yet.............but feeling as you do, I'd say it was definitely time to "touch base" with your doctor or pdoc about the way you're still feeling. It matters, you matter

Alison

I hate this. I hate me. I hate my life. I really don't know what the point of anything is. My pdoc wants me to go on medical leave, but I'm going to quit this job soon. She asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital to rest... Who's gonna take care of my dog in the meantime? At least if I'm gone for good I can have my mom take her. I can't do that temporarily, because we live on opposite sides of the county. But she'd take her if I was gone. I know she would.

I can't stand this. I want to disappear.

I'm still feeling hopeless and lost. I'm still in a deep, dark depression, but I'm making an effort to at least try and plan for the future. I don't want to be here, but I am...for now.

Think of it like a Drs appointment if it helps... You don't want to be here, but you have to be here at this appointment. While you're waiting, do loads of things that make you happy and distract your self from the annoyances in the waiting room. The annoyances being your depression and bad thoughts. Xx

You need to be here for your doggy xx

Thanks for reaching out. That takes courage. Sorry that you are in so much pain. I know what that dark place looks like feeling lost and hopeless. Perhaps see your doctor asap to see about meds, changes in them ? Mine was changed 3 times and so far so good.

Your important. Hoping you will be able to see the trees from the forest.

On top of everything else, I'm feeing quite abandoned and alone. My T has been out of town for the last few weekends and just seems too busy to respond to my text or emails. My pdoc is out of town this weekend for the holiday. They're the only ones that know how ****** I'm feeling and I feel like the have no lifeline. I guess I should be used to this by now, I've been alone my entire life. And as usual, I'm probably overreacting. Why is everything so damn hard? I'm so tired of this fight. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

It's going to get better, I promise. You just have to keep hanging on and have faith and hope. Remember, where there is life there is hope.

You can make it.

Seesaw