[PerpetualPain]

I feel like I am dead already. I just cant see my life turning around. I have just entered adulthood and i cant even hold down a job and have crippling depression paired with a severe anxiety disorder. As i get older i feel like it'll get worse and worse until i end up doing something to myself.

I have seen myself fall deeper and deeper into madness. I feel like i cannot fix what has been broken and that i cannot function anymore. Nothing i write feels as though it's doing me any justice in explaining my emotions right now. I just cant put into words just how bad i feel.

I feel like I cannot fix myself and I know nobody will fix me for me. However my last bit of hope clings onto the thought that someone out their can fix me and make me happy again. I know it's dumb right.

I cannot go to a doctor because my anxiety disorder is so severe. I am totally cut off from the world and therefore have no access to medication.

[LadyShadow]

I am so sorry that you feel this way! All I can offer is that it will get better if you DO something. Something small. It doesn't have to be a doctor visit, (even though that's the best option because talking about it and getting some pills could work wonders).

But draw something, write it down, keep posting! I offer you all the hugs in the world and I wish I could take away your pain!

It will get better, if there is hope for me there is hope for everyone!

[Ceara1010]

Hi, sorry you are so down. I am too.

Is it that you can't go to a doctor because you are too anxious to leave the house? I think it is very important you get some help from a professional. Many Ts and pdocs wil Skype with patients and this may be the way to start out. There is information here at the Psych Central website and the forums on how to find a T and/or pdoc. I suggest you do some research on this and start calling around for some help.

Hang in there! (((((Hugs)))))

--Ceara1010

[shamon86]

Originally Posted by PerpetualPain

I feel like I cannot fix myself and I know nobody will fix me for me. However my last bit of hope clings onto the thought that someone out their can fix me and make me happy again. I know it's dumb right.

No NOT DUMB. I completely understand this. I've been telling my T if I can have my own family ( a husband and kids) then I could be happy. I know this might not be exactly what you're talking about, but I know about how it feels to hold hope that someone else can make me happy.

[seesaw]

I don't think it's dumb to hold on to hope, regardless of what that hope is. If there is something out there giving you hope, then cling to it. Because hope will keep you alive.

Good days can happen. I have been going through the most severe awful depression I could ever imagine, and today I actually had a break from the weight that always sits on my shoulders and chest and had a "good" day. Good days can happen.

I think skyping a doctor is a good idea. Maybe a family member could go with you to a doctor's appointment. I know your anxiety is high, but something's gotta give so you can start to feel better.

I know this might be a silly suggestion but diet and exercise can help a little bit in making you feel better. At least they can help you feel like you have some control and are trying something to feel better. Also, are you getting enough vitamin D? Naturally we get it from sunlight but when we are depressed and staying inside a lot, we don't get enough. You may need a supplement. I know when I lived in Montana I had to take a huge supplement to help me get the Vitamin D I needed.

I hope you find some relief.

Seesaw

[PerpetualPain]

Hi everyone thankyou for your kind words of support.

I struggle with meeting new people. It gets so bad that when i went into the same room as my newest therapist for the first time i shut down and curled up into a ball. I was in sheer panic mode and it was pathetic. I have such severe anxiety and it was so pathetic i'd never be able to go to see a doctor. I was forced to see the therapist and she wasn't in the room when i first sat down. Skype and phones are just the same im scared of talking to new people and that is a major thing fueling my depression. The anxiety disorder is fueling the depression and the depression is fueling the anxiety disorder.

I may not be getting much vitamin D tbh. I will give it a try and see if i feel better thankyou.

Each day i feel like enduring the constant sadness, loneliness, isolation and fear is harming my mental health. It chips away at me and exhausts me to breaking point. I find myself in very bad frames of mind often. I never tell anyone what breaking point looks like for me because if i ever dared i'd be locked up and hospitalized. I would not be able to cope in a hospital surrounded by new people, new environment and not being treated like a "sane" human being. That was my main reason for not seeking help from a doctor when i was capable to. Now it's got to the point where I cant even hold down a conversation with someone i dont know.