Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

The weekend is here now. The pool area has been nice as there hasn't been the people there. I got an email message from a woman that had liked what I posted a few years ago on another depression forum. I had not heard from her in a while. She had bad depression that hit her suddenly. I wrote back to her. I hope that I made her feel better. All I could tell her is my experiences with depression. Whenever she writes to me, it's so nice to hear from her. She really gets it of what depression is all about. I wished that she and I would live closer together.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit with someone from the church that I recently left. I hope that it will go OK. I met this man a few times while I was going to that church. I didn't see him that often. I felt like he was the only real "breath of fresh air" for me at that place.

I hope that I can sleep alright tonight. There are neighbors on the next street from me having a party. They are very loud and inconsiderate. I wish that they would go away.

apart from drawing a little blood today (actually making quite a mess of the floor), i've tried to be productive.

I'd say the best part of the day so far is scoring 10 out of 10 in a quiz about greek mythology (only 2 were guesses).

also managed to shower today

having some mild suicidal thoughts this afternoon.

few problems with reality

A very busy day today. I went to visit someone from the church that I recently left. We had a pretty good talk. He was pretty old and it seemed like he was very slow in talking (he is 79). A real nice guy though. His wife came in after I was there for a while. She was nice and very talkative, unlike her husband. After a while I didn't feel comfortable being with a couple. It seems like that's the kind of world I live in.

I got an email from that woman again, the one suffering from depression. She says that she has not gotten better. It's kind of ironic to me that I feel like I don't know what to say to her. I guess she and I have depression differently. I do like her a lot. She has cheered me up a lot.

Feeling kind of down right now. I always feel that way on Saturday afternoons. I got a movie from the library. It was not something I really cared to see, but the choices were so limited.

Hugs to everyone struggling today

I've not had much motivation to do anything productive today. I've just been catching up on tv shows and enjoying my dogs. The tv shows distract me from my negative thinking which is a good break.

So I was pretty irritable this morning. Then I started to get better, tinkered in my shop.

Trigger warning!!!!

This evening I was sitting on the couch and my dad was fondling his pistol. He left it their so I handled it, trying the trigger out, feeling the grip. Then I suddenly got the desire to put the pistol to my head. It was unloaded and I have little desire to die. So as soon as that thought cane about I put the gun in the safe and gave my old man his keys. I told him to not leave his guns out and he is fine with that.

I don't know why guns trigger these thoughts and anxiety. But they do at times. I can be at the rifle range, having a good time, talking guns, etc... Then all of a sudden depressed and angry. It's almost like a psycho in my head trying to destroy my life.

Another bad day...

yesterday afternoon i had, what I thought, were mild suicidal thoughts.

anyway they esculated to much more intense thoughts/ feelings, and i ended up yesterday all over the place

today in my head it is loud. very loud.

otherwise i'm okay. nopt actually done much today and need to get my *** up from the chair and do stuff

I'm pretty stressed out. I've got to do some schoolwork, but it's already late and yeah. Also, was at my parents' place last night and well... a couple of their friends were there. It's this one couple, and well, the guy isn't doing well health wise but he makes racist comments/jokes sometimes and last night he did it again. I don't know why my parents tolerate him.

(((((hugs))))

Today started off not so great but it ended up alright. After I wrote on here yesterday, I went for a bike ride and got a flat tire. So this afternoon I made an attempt to fix my flat, but was unsuccessful. Got the flat tire on the rear of the bike. Those are hard to fix for me. So I ended up at the bike shop and they took care of it. It's nice that it's done, but I was mad with having to pay when I used to be able to do it myself.

I went on a one hour ride and felt much better after the ride. Went to the pool area and met a couple of nice guys. That doesn't happen often at my place. Of all things, they work at a bike shop! It's the one I used to go to. In fact, I had purchased my bike there a few years ago. I always had great service at that shop (I didn't go there today) until a year ago when I got bad service from someone. I asked the guys if that person is still there and they told me that she isn't anymore. So I think I'll go back there again.

My friend called me tonight. I felt pretty depressed after talking to him. It seems like we don't agree on a lot of things. I've had friends in the past that I liked much better than him. He just seems very old and always has to be corrective.

I'm gonna crack soon
Break down. So many things...too much and I feel too alone in all of it.

i'm feeling pretty relieved.

partly because i was able to get that trapped cd out of my sterrio (and it's not damaged), and partly because my mood is stable anyway for the moment

Woke up after 5 hours of sleep and can't seem to get back to sleep.

roller coaster through s h i t creek continues....

I feel like this is it...this is my life..get comfortable..accept it..maybe that will feel better.

The more i try the more I fail. The higher I have made it out of the hole the harder I fell down.

Fighting to do better has depleted me. Just living day to day is taking everything from me.

I just want to.......

No one understands and that's a problem.

i am doing okay.

(i think i kniow what triggered me yesterday, i was talking to someone about something i probably shouldn't have)

I hope today will be better- seeing that way so far

feel very low ...dont want to anything apart from sleep ...my husband want me to go to the mental health drop in ...i dont feel like it
all i want to is hide under the covers and sleep

((((((hugs)))

I bet you'll feel good if you get some fresh air

It pisses me off when people assume I haven't tried something when I have tried it many times.

there after me putting suicidal thoughts in my head i know there doing this
they want my mind and everyone else mind so they can control us all and make them think like them
its going to be like the ****ing matrix...we are ****ed if we dont fight back

A real nothing kind of day for me. Very slow at work and steady rain outside. I can't go for my one hour bike ride after work. I was planning to workout, but my arm and shoulder still aches. It's going to be very dull when I get home.

My existance is a waste of everyone's time, including mine. I don't see any point anymore. Therapy is a waste of my time and money, we aren't making any progress. All surface talk today, even though I cried most of the session. I just don't feel like it's working anymore, which is disappointing. And I feel like no one can help anyway.

Went to therapy this morning and it was all surface talk. I get more helpful advice on PC than I do from him. Which is sad really, because im paying for his services.

Do you know what type of therapy your T is implementing?