Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

It's been a while since I posted in the Depression forums. I just wantted to say I am okay. I kept myself really busy this summer which was a good thing as it kept me generally happy - or at least motivated.

Sitting in the dark. TV on low volume. Both dogs in my lap. Have had a migraine for two days now so light and sound bother me big time right now. Can hardly wait until this migraine goes away! Still feeling pretty crappy with depression. Made it through my first week of work. I'm glad I survived and am able to be busy. This does help my depression big time. Hoping to feel better soon. Hugs to everyone struggling today

Was very busy today but feeling very depressed throughout the whole day. I'm still feeling that way now. I feel like my friend and I are coming apart as friends. I feel like I'm getting sick of him. And I'm sure that he is sick of me. It's very hard to let go because he's all that I have and it's very hard to make friends. He does not understand my feelings at all. He seems to make light on how I feel.

What I don't understand is how the one who disrespected and disgraced me is getting support and I am getting nothing but harassed.

Then people wonder why I'm depressed?? Are you kidding me?

Bad...doing bad

Can I do another mindful day without losing my mind?

I really don't feel well

I am on day 3 of a migraine headache. I am tired of my head hurting. It is not as intense as it has been so that means that soon it will go away completely. I am going to try to get a few things done around the house so that I will at least feel like I did something this weekend. Being busy helps me not sit and think so much. Having something to do takes my mind off of feeling so depressed. I'm going to try to listen to some music on low volume which helps boost my spirit too. I look forward to the day when I can wake up happy and migraine free.

My heart goes out to all of you that are struggling

i can't cope with how i'm feeling right now. i HAVE to write, but when i go to do so i sudden;y have a blank mind and nothing to write about. it's frustrating.

I feel like the depression continues for me. I don't know if it's circumstantial or if this is something that's natural. I saw a movie last night that was a disappointment, though there were some good parts in it. I thought that it was a movie that I could relate to. It tuned out that there was just a little bit that I could relate to.

I went to church this morning. I took it upon myself to go to where they serve refreshments. I felt intimidated to do it, but I pushed myself. I just couldn't get with it with the other people there. The other people were OK but I felt like they knew each other very well. I drove home feeling distraught and wondering why I keep on sabotaging myself socially.

My friend had called while I was gone and he told me something (related to my result I got from the Medical Lab that I mentioned previously) that was supposed to be helpful to me. It didn't seem that helpful at all. I'm also going though feelings that it seems like everyone else is doing better in life than I am. I know it's not true, but it seems like it.

This is my first time posting in the daily check-ins. I feel really bad today. I had a plan to go to Disneyland w/ my husband (one of his favorite places to go). It was something I had been dreading because I have been really depressed for the past few months and Disneyland just feels weird and bad when you are depressed because there are so many people there and it's the "Happiest Place on Earth" so when one feels unhappy, it feels like a huge disconnect. Also, this involves getting ready, taking a bath, doing hair and make-up packing for the night (we planned to spend the night in a hotel) and for the workday tomorrow. It all just seemed very overwhelming so I ended up starting the morning crying. My husband totally understood (he is a very, very sweet and understanding man) and he said that's OK, you don't have to go, I can see why you wouldn't want to go. I want him to go and enjoy the day and he's going to.

I just hate feeling like this where everything is such a huge strain and effort. It takes everything I have to make it through the workweek (I work in the medical field and it is very, very VERY stressful and I hate it, but I have to work because bills have to be paid). When I have time off, I just want to sleep, sleep sleep.

My husband got tearful himself last weekend because he said it is so painful for him to watch me be so sad, tired, lifeless. He said he really missed me and he was so sorry that I was going through this.

It is also very hard for my parents to see me be so sad and they can't help.

Frustrating time my parents want to keep me home because in my experience the hospital hasn't helped. Yet at the same time we have made the environment safe yet my thoughts are still out of control

mild suicidal thoughts today

got worse though as the day went on

thought about harming myself this evening but honestly too drained even for that.

Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it is hard to go to Disneyland if one is under depression. Sometimes it gets better once one arrives. But if the Park is too busy, sometimes it is better not to go. In any event, considering a depression as a mental health condition can help to feel better when we postpone or cancel plans because of our depression. Depression is not our fault. Depression cannot be improved immediately. Imagine that instead of depression you had a swollen leg. So swollen that you could not go to Disneyland because you are in pain. I bet your regret would be lesser. Why? Because a swollen leg is more acceptable. But depression has "bad press". It seems that depression can be overcome by snapping our fingers, that if we do not overcome depression is because we do not want to. Even if we know depression is an illness often we cannot help: we blame ourselves, we feel guilty, we feel we ruin other people lives with our depression. Well, that is not true. Depression is one of the worst conditions and it is disabling. Depression disables us, more than a swollen leg.
I am sending you a big hug

I've been feeling down and really worthless. I have so much education and experience. I am on SSD and the longer I am on it the more I feel like a worthless s**t. I have a great apartment in the Midwest...I left California about three years ago because SSD wasn't cutting it financially there. I was forced to leave the life I choose 35 years ago!!! I must confess I am doing better with the depression... my meds were changed about a year and a half ago and seemed to make a difference. I'm just venting... I've spent so much time in MDD that I really don't like feeling down at all..... it sucks.

Clara, thank you for your kind words. I know depression is not my fault, and my husband looks at it the exact same way. (I am so lucky to have him). It just feels bad because I don't get to see him that much because right now because of work we live in 2 different cities about 150 miles apart. I am actively looking for a job in his city right now but so far I haven't gotten any offers.

It is hard being apart from him, we are newlyweds too, married this year in February.

I hate being depressed, I hate how disabling it really is. And mental health is still viewed by many as a weakness, a personality flaw, that if someone just picked themselves up by their bootstraps, they would be OK. My Dad is an ex-Green Beret in his 70s and that is his philosophy. Whenever he asks how I am doing and I say I feel bad he says "Why?" and I think, come on man, you've known me for 39 years. You know I started seeing a therapist when I was 8 years old. You know I have depression (and anxiety). You know this! (in a chris tucker voice).

Argh!

I am a big fan of Dr. Katz (if you've never seen the show, it's good), and there is an episode where Rodney Dangerfield is talking about his depression and he says (and I'm paraphrasing here)

I wake up in the morning and there it is, the heaviness. Sitting right at the foot of my bed. The heaviness that says "Oh boy, you're going to get it good today. You're going to get it REAL good today. You're going to be drinking early today my friend, because here I am!" I feel exactly like that (although I don't drink, the sentiment is the same).

BLSmitty, I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. I know just how you feel. SSD payments, while I am grateful they exist, are so pitifully small, I don't know how the government thinks anyone can live off of it! Yeesh. In my opinion, you should make at least 32K a year, however that breaks down per month. That way you can get decent housing, electricity, a phone, TV/Internet, food, have some money left for clothing, hygiene items and a little left over to be able to go to the zoo, visit the botanical gardens or attend a show of some sort every once in a while.

I know, I know, wishful thinking. But that's what I think would be fair and equitable. And as long as you were actively in treatment, you should be able to keep receiving it!

I'm feeling so restless and I don't know how to make it stop. My mind wants me to do something, but I can't for the life of me figure out WHAT. It's been like this all day. I'm past the point of simple annoyance now. I want this to STOP!!

Do you have anything like benadryl maybe in a first aid kit?

i wish i could hide, or at least not be here in the human world... not die, just vanish.

yes i'm still feeling very suicidal- i just don't like it and want to hide from the feelings

it's not nice

I know I'm late to this, sorry. Unfortunately I don't have anything like that.

It's not as bad today, but still there.

I want to scream and cry and bang my head against the walls and desks and tables. I'm so sick of this life, of having to be this person, of trying to succeed at SOMETHING. I don't think I can do it today, probably will be going home early this afternoon. I just can't do this anymore. I need some kind of relief.

Why is it that negative thoughts always hit out of nowhere? Why my triggers are so small? It just leaves me feeling helpless, like there's nothing I can do but get worse and worse, and more and more insane.

I keep myself so busy all day. I do everything I can to distract myself from Depression. When the day is done and it is time to rest she taps me on the shoulder and says I'm still here; you can't get rid of me!

Back to work on Monday. It was fairly busy at work today and a fairly good day. But I still felt pretty depressed and anxious at times. So much is whirling in my mind lately. With my lab result from last week (I'm thinking about what I should do about it), my shoulder and arm hurting at times (it is improving, but still there), thinking about wanting to sell my place and move out, and other little things.

I took a bike ride after work today. I came across a woman when I stopped at an intersection (because of a red light) who was telling me that she's Jesus. She told me that she's an angel sent to me by Jesus. Well, I guess you have an idea of where this is going. She even told me that I should stop having sex with a woman if I'm not married. Well, I haven't been having sex! I guess that prophetic angel got it all wrong with me! She was smoking a lot of cigarettes.