Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I totally understand that feeling. I've been sleeping well enough (8 hours), but I too have been exhausted. I keep having to convince myself to get out of bed and do stuff for school (which is giving me anxiety as well). I'm looking forward to fall when its cooler (and hopefully not as humid / wet). Oh, and yeah, I also use the internet as a crutch.

I'm absolutely dreading this week. I'm sure it will be okay but I'm still dreading going into work.

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I have been feeling pretty down for this weekend so far. In the middle part of the afternoon yesterday, little things happened that made me feel better. I didn't feel better last night, until I watched a movie.

This morning was alright. I went to a church that I had not been to in ten years. It has changed a whole lot. It was OK, the people were fairly friendly. I'm not sure if it's going to be ultimately the right place for me. We'll see.

Very hot outside today, so the heat makes me feel lazy. I hate summer so much; with the heat, noise, and crowds. It seems like in August, it takes a long time for summer to end. I made my spaghetti sauce today. It should give me four servings. So I have one serving a week. I'm good for a month with the sauce.

Nothing much else. My friend has called me a couple of times from Europe. But I can't understand what he says because the connection is not that good.

More loathing and more feeling down. The weather's not helping-it's too hot. I was doing so well too...I haven't felt that sinking feeling in my chest for a while until a few minutes ago. Maybe I just need to sleep, I'm pretty tired.

There's nothing left for me anymore. I wake up anxious about everything, and the only thing I look forward to every day is getting to the end so I can sleep. I wish I wouldn't wake up one of these days, but I always do. It just won't stop.

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I just want to stop feeling this way!!!

I want to just.... Stop feeling... Everything

I feel so incredibly alone... That leads to feeling incredibly pathetic.

I need people to talk to who understand.

I have one friend who's like a sister. She understands but is also busy. Hasn't answered my calls in a week. Maybe she's tired of hearing my bs.

I rather be dead. If it wasn't for my kids and my mother....

SO FRUSTRATED!! Yesterday when I wasn't depressed I made a list of all these things I would do every day and throughout the week - clean room, eat less, take care of my face, shower, etc. However, today I woke up depressed and feeling like ****. I didn't do anything. I overate, I didn't shower, didn't even change my clothes or brush my teeth. And now I am a failure too. I am pathetic, lazy, and ugly.

Tomorrow is a new day, blah blah. STFU.

It's difficult accomplishing anything while you are depressed. I can only manage work at the moment, forget about anything at home. I can barely handle work today.

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I can't do this. I can't survive this. I'm tired of the depression being thrown in my face when my husband and I fight. I'm tired and I'm angry and I can't do this anymore.

Woke up feeling very dreadful. It was not a great weekend and back to work. Though I did look forward to going back to work. I felt better after I ate. I didn't feel too comfortable when a few people asked me, "how was my weekend?". Obviously I didn't want to tell them that it wasn't that great.

It was pretty busy at work. Lately it's been very busy and I seem to be seeing new faces; which makes it a little bit exciting.

I'm still not working out because of my sore shoulder and arm. I could try tomorrow, but it feels very doubtful. Maybe this coming Friday.

I had to pool area to myself tonight, much to my surprise, as it's a very warm and balmy night. As I just got in, there were a couple with little kids leaving; which was nice for me.

I miss my friend who is in Europe for the rest of this week. There are times when I was feeling bad, he'd be my "punching bag". Well, no I didn't hit him. It's just nice to have someone I could vent to. But there were times when he was not understanding. Then I wanted to hit him! (JUST KIDDING!)

i watched 2 daniele steel movies today and a few episodes of high way to heaven without being distracted by voices.

nice..

I'm exhausted. I keep having these crying spells, but always when I can't cry so it's just building up. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep. The agitation I felt when I was still on both meds was better than this emptiness. I just want to go home.

My friend is here helping me to go to the eye appointment. But he's getting a little mad at me.

Not getting better at all. Bitter and angry.

My head has hurt for the past several days. Not really a headache. Just kind of numb, I keep imagining it's a tumor and that I will get to leave this world soon. It's a pleasing thought, a little to pleasing.

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This week has been an utter FAILURE so far. I've done nothing I planned to do at the start of the week, thanks to depression. Woke up after noon again and had no time to get anything done before my dad would be home from work. Only had coffee, showered and brushed my teeth today. I just cannot maintain any semblance of motivation once the black wave goes over me. Logically I know it's not all me, that I'm not just lazy or trying to find excuses. But that doesn't stop me from being down on myself about it. I feel useless at the best of times.

Today's my older sister's birthday. She turns 31. I've been in a knot of anxiety all day, wondering when I should wish her a happy bday, and how. Should I send her a message on Facebook? Should I text or call? What even should I say, besides just "happy birthday"? No matter which route I take it will be awkward, being as we haven't spoken in a few months.
Then again, she hasn't made an effort to keep in contact with me either. She never texts me first or sends me the first call. She didn't call me on my birthday last year. Why should I bother? I don't really want to talk to her honestly.

Also I feel very uncared for by someone. I told her I was depressed and she didn't respond. Even though I try to at least be sympathetic of her troubles when she's feeling down. I'm actually kinda mad at myself for being upset. I should know to just expect this from people by now. Nobody cares unless you're holding a (metaphorical, of course) gun to your head, at least in my case.

With proverbial marbles falling out of every stop I made today, both on the stairs and in the doctors, I can't speak anymore. I don't know why. I just can't speak or relay information. She tells me not to blink, I blink. To stare at the blue spot, my eye wanders. I'm hopeless.

I give up. Nobody ****ing cares.

I'm sorry you feel that way ennui. You matter! It may not seem like it now but after you get through this rough patch then you can help the struggling. You helped me to realize all this. Thanks

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feeling really angry at myself for eating so much yesterday and making myself sick

believe me when i say i hate the feeling of feeling so rough after so much food. just can't stop.. gonna try and go easier with it today

not feeling suicidal today. big plus

Rough night...

Couldn't stop crying..

When is it ever going to get better

Another FAILURE of a day.

I can't go on like this... It has to end, one way or another.

I'm disintegrating ... ... ...

Never mind that last post... I seem to have had a sudden upturn. This is good!

I only hope I don't 'crash'...

I want to cry but the meds won't let me cry. (Balance deleted.)

I'm sorry crying can really help sometimes.

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