[ThatGirl109]

Hi you can call me Lily. I used to be on here but I stopped for a while...I don't know why. I could've really used this...So I'm contemplating running away. Before you go and judge me, or tell me 'No, that's a BAD idea!', I want to explain a few things.
My family is not terrible. Let's get that straight. They just aren't...what I need, I guess. For a long time I've felt...different. I'm not talking about sexuality or anything. I just feel like I don't belong. My parents and siblings have never understood me. They don't get why I 'have to have depression, OCD, panic disorder, etc.' To be truthful I don't get them either. Ever since I was little I knew that I wasn't like everyone else. If you'd look in an old photo album, everyone is grinning at the camera...while I'm staring off into the distance at something beyond. No one else can see it. I am crippled emotionally and spiritually. They yelled at us if we said 'God' or 'Jesus', yet now they say that we can choose our religious path. They forced me to doubt such a beautiful thing, and now I can't go back. I physically can't say 'I love you'. The words don't fit right in my mouth. I can't speak above a mumble. I want to sing but my voice comes out as a squeak, not wanting anyone to hear. I've had depression for many years but they don't understand mental illness. I feel fake, but I guess thats from hanging out with fake people. My friends are not really friends as much as acquaintances, and they've basically said as much. My parents have changed drastically from when I was young.
But a child does not forget.
A child does not forget when you beat them with a belt, or slap them across the face.
A child does not forget when you put them in a daycare where they were molested, and then you put them in another where the teenage kids tape them into a corner and laugh at them. A child never forgets when you threw their cat out of the house, and when it came back days later, made them lie to the lady at the shelter and say it was a stray. They won't forget when you used a shock collar on a puppy and then put him down years later when he developed mental problems. They can't forget when you let their baby bunny that they rescued go, and they found it the next day without a head. They can never forget when you told them to shut up, when you broke promises that you swore to keep, or laughed at them when they thought they actually looked pretty in one dress. They'll never forget when you talked about their flaws to a store clerk that they found cute, or when you made fun of them in front of their friends. Or when you were angry at them when the school counselor told you about their panic attacks. Or when you later pretended that never happened.
A child never forgets, and a child never forgives.
I am seventeen years old. I have lived a life of heartache. I have wanted to end it so badly. I still do. But I want to start fresh. For all of those times that I was made fun of for a B among the A's on a report card. For all of my concerts that you didn't feel like going to. For all those times I was ignored or humiliated, told what I couldn't do or accomplish. 'No, you can't go into the Peace Corps. No, you can't go to other countries to save people. No, this excellent SAT score is not good enough.' I'm sick of it. I'm done. I feel like I'm going insane from my restricted freedom. I feel restless in this cage that they have created. I do not owe them 'life debts'. They tried for five years to have me. But they don't appreciate me. They never have. I'm done with this life and I need to move on. So...should I?
Thank you.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ThatGirl109: Only you know the answer to your question. What the Skeezyks can say is that it is a dangerous world out there... no place to be wondering around in with no plan, no support, & no place to go. So, if you decide to go, try to do so with some forethought & a plan as to where you're going to go, how you're going to get there, & what you're going to do once you arrive. If this all sounds like too much to deal with, then perhaps that is a sign you're not yet ready despite how you feel about your life so far. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[adam_k]

It may sound like a good idea but the world may be more difficult and unforgiving than you understand.

Your family doesn't have any excuses for the things they done to you. It sounds like they have belittled and invalidated you. Everyone would be hurt by that.

Youre 17 and probably don't have the resources to do it alone. Can you do something else like move in with someone in your family you trust like a grandma or sister?

Have you thought about trying to get some therapy? It may help you heal from some of your wounds. I had things happen in my childhood and it took its toll on me. Therapy has helped me deal with some of those issues.

Take care of your self and keep safe.

[ThatGirl109]

Thanks for answering. I have a school counselor that knows about my panic disorder, but she seems so...fake. I know I keep describing people as fake, but she REALLY is. She says the same things to everyone. We don't click. But only two people in the entire world know about the sexual abuse: my abuser and my best friend. My family is estranged from my distant relatives, and my siblings are younger than me. I don't think that I can take another year of this.

[ThatGirl109]

And every time I mention therapy or give my parents papers to let me see a school psychologist, they laugh and say I don't need it. Or they try to make me tell them why. That's my personal business, and I've TRIED to tell them before...

[adam_k]

I'm sorry for what someone did to you. It sounds like a lot of pain to deal with.

Instead of running away, what about going to the ER and saying how you are feeling. If they think you are a danger to yourself they will hold you for 72 hours. You would be able to talk to someone and maybe get some help.

If I were in your shoes I would do that over running away.

Soon you will be 18 and you can see or talk to anyone you want. I'm sorry your parents are not giving that to you.

I remember telling my uncle that raised me I wanted help and was going to talk to a doctor. His reply was "You don't need to see a head doctor. There isn't anything wrong with you."

Some people don't get what it is like to suffer in that way. There is help out there and you are not alone in people who understand abuse. There are support groups and therapists out there who can help. I wish you had those resources available to you today.

Your pain is real even if your family refuses to acknowledge it. I'm sorry you have such an invalidating family. It's not fair and you deserve better.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Here is my 2 cents as an adult.
First off as an adult the only "judgment" I have is that you're in a lot of pain and no one around you gets it. Which that only makes it worse. (Yes I realize you pretty much said that already)

Second I am not going to encourage you to run away but I do want you to think about a few things. If you run away your essentially becoming an adult. By that I mean you are going to have to find housing. Housing costs money. You will need a job to get this money. You will need transportation to this job. This too costs money. Seeing as how you're in school you're only allowed to work so many hours thus limiting your income. You will also need to feed yourself. Something that once again costs money. I am not trying to scare you into staying, but I want to give you a small glimpse into "adult" life. If you do run away make a good plan. No I'm not saying plan how you're going to run away but what will you do after you run away. Where will you sleep, work, bathe? What about your education?
I just don't want you to end up in a bad place on the streets. So if you do decide to do this you need to be fully aware of what you're doing. All actions have consequences. Sometimes they are good sometimes they are bad do you just need to be prepared for either scenario.

[elevatedsoul]

i actively planned my 'escape' through out from 13 years old on atleast...
my plan was complex, complicated, and near impossible because i wanted to go so far away... i wanted to escape to canada, but that adds even bigger problem - acquiring a visa... it may have been a fantasy that kept me sane, but it was something that i had notebooks full of addresses, names, numbers, prices of living, food costs, jobs, locations, things i needed to acquire a visa... on and on...

it is very hurtful when you are invalidated, when you are in pain, when you struggle and to have others tell you that nothing is wrong with you... to not get you proper treatment... maybe because they are embarrassed to even take you to a "crazy doctor"... this is neglectful... damaging... hurtful...

i know how bad you want out, to start over and forget about the past and have a better future without them... but you dont want to hurt yourself further by putting yourself in more difficult situations... with different type of pain.. because that will just add ontop of the pain that is already there... to not have anywhere to go, nothing to eat, no shelter to protect yourself from nature... no friends or no one that knows who you are or even cares about you even the slightest for that matter...

maybe i shouldnt write this, as my mind is damaged and i cant focus very well right now... but i know the feeling of wanting out... to start over, for things to just get better... but i think its a fantasy that we want, i dont know if it ever comes true...

i would say, forget what your family says, they are just their opinions and obviously they dont know anything about anything...
use what you can while you are staying with them, focus on finishing school and prepare yourself in ways that when you do leave you will have a place to stay, a job, school, money, have everything in order...
utilize what you have right now, and just distance yourself from those that dont care...

its better than sleeping outside with nothing to eat... im sorry you are hurting... i really wish you to be well and hope that you can find the strength to pull through...
like they said before, soon you will be able to see a doctor on your own and your family opinion will not matter at all...

keep yourself safe...

can spend more time here with people that do understand...