[SeptemberMorn]

since my middle son went back to Oregon. Not sure what's causing it; his leaving, the problems we had with what I thought was going to be a family reunion, the fact that my middle son's kids showed up the other grandkids that live around me (and he's raising his two kids all on his own, no wife), the letdown after all the preparations... I don't know.

It's gotten worse since my youngest son called me to tell me his wife read a post I had in the Spirituality Forum. He was quite angry. It's so hard for me to let go of all that happened and didn't happen.

Am I being selfish and childish because things didn't go the way I wanted them? I so wanted to have my three boys all together, interacting with each other now that they are all grown men. I wanted to see all the grandkids interacting again.

My youngest son and I had talked about showing my middle son a strong sense of family while he was here in the hopes that we could convince him to move back to the area. It sure didn't happen! What happened is the family showing him just how dysfunctional we are! I have no words to explain how I feel about that. If I let my thoughts go in that direction, I'd probably wind up in a psych ward again!!

I've got all the classic symptoms of depression right now. I cry for what seems no reason, I'm allienating myself in some ways, and just when I thought I was outgrowing this place, in the last few days, I can't bring myself to sign off. I've thrown away a lug of peaches from our peach tree because I can't bring myself to start canning them... therefore getting really down on myself. Our coffee pot is a cheapy and every time I pour myself a cup, it drips all over me. What a slob I am!! I haven't bathed in almost two weeks! GROSS!! NASTY!! But do I care? NO!

I want more than anything else to have my youngest son's kids over, to love on them, to nurture them, to take them swimming and let my granddaughter scream till she can't scream anymore. I'm not fit to take care of those three right now, but I need them so badly! It's not good to NEED someone like that. Their parents probably wouldn't let me have them, anyway. They know I'm depressed.

I care! I care too much!! Yet, I can't do anything about what I care. I want to take my DIL in my arms and hold her, then shake her till her pretty teeth fall out of her mouth and MAKE her believe me that I LOVE HER!! I don't have the patience to take the time to prove to her how I feel... so here I sit, not daring to say anything to her, letting her be angry and upset with me because I posted about a problem *I* have in being able to communicate in a way she can understand! I'm crossing one of her boundaries right now just even alluding to HER! I can't make her understand that you people are the only ones I can even begin to talk to about how I feel!

I don't want to be in this state of mind! I can say I don't give a rat's *****... but I do. Down deep, that's why I'm depressed. Down deep, HELL! On the surface, too!

I WANT MY FAMILY CLOSE BY SO I CAN NURTURE AND CARE FOR THEM, to fill in the gaps that the parents don't have time or knowledge to know about!!!!!!!!!! Damn, stupid nurturing spirit of mine! It's a curse!! That's why I want to say JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, DAMMIT!!!!

[Fuzzybear]

(sorry it's only hearts )

[katheryn]

((((((((((((((((((((septembermorn))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sorry you are feeling like this at the moment

[SeptemberMorn]

Didn't give you much of a choice, did I? I do love you guys! When it comes to baring my soul, you're better than "blood kin"!

[SeptemberMorn]

Ok... I'm feeling better. You don't have to leave me COMPLETELY alone! I could use a little bit off attention now...

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))))))))

Rant away.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Am I being selfish and childish because things didn't go the way I wanted them? I so wanted to have my three boys all together, interacting with each other now that they are all grown men. I wanted to see all the grandkids interacting again.

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Selfish and childish? Not a chance. You have a good heart, and I know you only want what's best for yourself and your family. A lot of the time though, things don't work out in our favour at all.

Not leaving you alone, sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish I knew how I could help but I wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and although I'm supremely not useful, that I do care about you.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Christina,}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you're far from usless!! Your sweet innocence is like a breath of fresh air! Your sweet caring means the world to me. Never forget that, ok?

[Wants2Fly]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this badly, September. I know how hard you work on yourself, and how much energy you spend trying to create a harmonious life for your family.

I agree with Canders that what you want is not selfish. OTOH, we cannot control others or external reality, and you know as well as any person at PC that this is so. You have demonstrated many times your inner resources to transcend outer conditions and rise above them.

It may take you a bit of time to find your inner peace once again. Please do not be too hard on yourself.

One thing I realized when P. abandoned me so suddenly was that during our 15 years together I had learned to love greatly. The reason I was feeling great grief was because that is the flip-side of great love. To love is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We cannot love without being willing to take the risk of being hurt, and grief is the price we pay for the love.

All of us who love must feel this grief at some point, because someone we love will predecease us, be it a parent, sibling, or beloved pet. This is the great lesson of life. I was counseled by both T and spiritual mentors to allow myself to feel my grief and to honor it, and in doing so, I had an epiphany -- I realized that if I could feel such grief in losing a beloved, how much greater must be the grief that a loving Universe (or diety) might feel when I turn away. So the experience strengthened my spiritual core.

Unfortunately, I have not healed to the point where I am willing to risk intimacy again. I can only imagine how much more painful your grief is; with blood ties, the flesh of your flesh, your children, the grief or the love is a binding tie.

You wrote: I haven't bathed in almost two weeks! GROSS!! NASTY!! But do I care? NO!

I think you do care, or you would not have written this. So go take a shower and wash yourself and respect yourself. Baby steps, baby steps. They assure us that we are doing something, making progress, however small.

We cannot love others until we love ourselves, and you will honor your grief/love for your children by taking care of yourself. I hope some of this makes sense, as it expresses a very personal point of view about love and grief.

(((((((((((((SeptemberMorn))))))))))))

[Wants2Fly]

Are you feeling any better, September?

[SeptemberMorn]

I didn't see this yesterday, Want2. I'm so sorry! I thought I'd been forgotten. Now, is that self-pity or what?

You are so right! Maybe I haven't been selfish... just childish because I want what I want? I so seldom ask for anything for myself! The child within BEGGED for just this once... and it went unheeded. The other side went unheeded, too.

No, I can't control the external. I know that. The other side is still trying. What I have to do now is like you say, find my inner peace again. It's coming... slow... but sure. Thanks go to you and a few others here. They have taken the me they see at face value and have gotten to me. It's not difficult. "What you see is what you get!"

"Unfortunately, I have not healed to the point where I am willing to risk intimacy again. I can only imagine how much more painful your grief is; with blood ties, the flesh of your flesh, your children, the grief or the love is a binding tie."

THAT is the heart of the whole thing. It seems this person doesn't want to allow me that. Yes, it's her husband... but he's my SON, my baby, I carried him within me for nine months... etc. She has the same feeling for her children... but I'm not allowed to have them for MINE?

For the last three days I've started towards the shower and for whatever reason, I haven't made it. I WILL make it TODAY! That's a promise!

Every bit of what you've said has made complete sense to me, Hon. I know you understand where I'm coming from and I know you've come a long way in your journey. You're a far different person than the one that first joined here! Watching each other struggle creates a bond, too, you know. I've taken your words and put them in my heart. I cherish them as well as you. It brings tears to my eyes knowing where these words came from in you. Thank you!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[SeptemberMorn]

I did it. I took a shower and disinfected myself. LOL I feel better now. Thank you for caring.

[Wants2Fly]

Best wishes making it to the shower today. It is going to feel so good when the water washes over you. It also will wash away some of the negative energy you are carrying around with you -- like a baptism, the outer expression of an inner deep cleansing.

Please keep us posted,September, and don't beat yourself up for feeling badly. Healing takes time.

[SeptemberMorn]

I do feel better today, Want2. I can take my hair and bring it around to my face and smell how good it smells. It's rare that a shower feels as good as you describe, though. For me, it's hard work... and I was on a mission last night. LOL But I sure feel better about myself today! I poured my coffee into my mug over the sink and made sure it didn't drip on me today. I'm still clean! My fingernails are all clean underneath! I keep them long so I don't get the dark line of dirt on the quick but other things stain them. No more! Washing my hair cleans them.

Once I get past that hurdle of getting into the shower, it makes me wonder how I could let myself go so badly.

Hubby heard from our youngest and he DOES want that poison I bought for him to kill ants! I know it's not much, but it made me happy to hear it. He's accepting MY help instead of the stupid suggestions his FIL makes that just don't work.

Thank you, Wants2Fly!

[Wants2Fly]

Hi September -- Sometimes I haven't bathed for two or three days, and it always feels great. I am traveling now and at a conference, so will not be checking in regulary. So glad things have a taken a turn for the better. And isn't it a little miracle that when you washed away the negative energy, the outer situation changed a bit for the better, too? I marvel when things like that happen.

[SeptemberMorn]

"Wash away the negative", yes! Yesterday, while walking my dog by the swimming pool, if I wasn't so terrified of the water, I would have dived in and surfaced a new person... or so I thought. LOL If only I could swim!