[OLM2603]

Hi I am 17 y/o. And I really just need to speak to somebody about all this. Since the end of 2013, I have been having completely no sense of self worth and my social life has basically disappeared in the last 3 months and I'm really just wanting to end it all but I don't want to put my mum through it.

My background:
I've been living with my mum for my whole life. I have a father figure whom my mum was married to at the time but I am not his son. I've never known my real father or my half sisters until about 16 months ago. I am heading into my final year of secondary school after Summer but I just can't cope with myself anymore.

How it started:
I used to live in a housing estate up until I was 13, when I moved out to the very rural country. Before I had many friends and was very happy with my life. But around before my 15th birthday I began having suicidal thoughts and began to hate myself and my traits more and more. When I started in secondary school, I made friends with who are now the popular kids, but after 1 year, I stopped talking to them because they used to just slag me all the time (which they do to each other but I just didn't like it). I am terrible at comebacks and stuff like that, I just sound like a stuttering fool.

I'm also terrified of being around girls my age. I am not good looking at all really. Ginger hair, pale skin, no features, etc. Almost every girl that people have asked "do you think OLM is attractive, they say 'no way'". So from then on, I get stupidly nervous around any girl, I don't know what to talk about, I can't make eye contact, my voice waivers sometimes. I just break, and people around see it and cringe. I just feel worthless. I really want to be in a relationship, at my age it's normal to at least have one by now. Even the most unpopular and stranger than me people in my school (all boys) have been in at least 1 relationship with a girl from the other schools.

So after that I began hanging around with these guys who I'd say are just obsessed with gaming and really care about nothing else. I hung around with these for 3 years untjl I couldn't bare the lack of fun with them and tried making new friends. To where I got to the point of making friends with 3 guys. This sounds very condescending, but its just how I feel about them. Guy 1 is a year younger, does nothing but sit at home and play games, and is really cocky. Guy 2, was very popular in school, but he's very immature and insensitive and no joke, half the school hate him. Guy 3 is from another town, one who I get on well with but he really only hangs with us because he's nobody else in the school. We got on very well for most of the year up until about the last month (May) of school.

Guy 1 began to sense I'm terrible at comebacks and banter stuff, and began to purposely try to annoy me at most times. He wouldn't include me when I'd go on PS4. He'd laugh at me that I'm terrible around girls. For the last month of school, he's basically stopped talking to me, Guy 2 and 3 and sits at home all day playing with the guys I used to be friends with before.

Guy 2 is friendly to me, but I can't trust him. Every time I've opened up to him he just is a **** about it. I told him about my real father and siblings and he uses them to annoy me sometimes when we argue.

Guy 3 is mysterious. I only talked to him in school. I want to chat a bit more to him but I don't know what to talk about.

So here I am, I have nobody to enjoy summer with at all. 99% of the other people in my year think I'm weird and boring. I have nothing to talk about with people which is probably one of my biggest flaws. Everyone laughs and has fun talking about sports, hobbies, etc. But all my hobbies are completely unheard of or unpopular in my country. Its not just girls, I've nothing to chat with lads either.

My half siblings have all had great social lives from what I've learned. I've not been around for 15 years of their lives, but they're all really friendly, talkative, outgoing, popular, etc. And then there's me... The reject.

I had a breakdown in the car with my mum after she collected me from being with them a few weeks ago. I just got really down when they started talking amongst themselves about stuff they remember about school and the Prom, etc. I have none of that. I broke down and started sobbing, my mum knew there was something up for the last year or so. I'm still depressed and I think of ending it or disappearing at least twice a day. Its always in the back of my mind. My mum has basically forgotten though, and goes on like she did before the breakdown.

I just need help. How can I fix my life and self esteem. I'm desperate...

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry to hear this story Mine is actually very similar to yours (I'm 18). No friends and no girlfriend, for my entire life.

I'm sure there are people here that know better t than me, here, but... have you been diagnosticated with some mental disease? Like depression, or social anxiety? A lot of people suffer from these kind of things, so there's nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. A lot of people also DO get through all of this succesfully - usually with the help of a psychotherapy. Have you thought about it? I think you could try talking with your mom about this.

Other people in this forum are here to help you!! You're not alone!! Don't give up!

[Sula B]

Hi OLM2603, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles.

Often when you are young, the future looks so bleak and long. Many of us felt out of place and alone when we were at school (square pegs in a round hole for as many different reasons are there are numbers of us) But let me tell you something someone very old and wise told me when I was young: school years come to an end (far more swiftly than you realise) and it takes very little time for you to move on and forget those years and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. School years are not an indication of what your life holds for you.

Please talk to your mother and ask her to arrange some counselling for you. You may not actually be suffering from depression but rather just adolescent angst. But regardless, it is worth exploring and seeing if there is a deeper diagnosis or perhaps just a sense of anxiety at feeling like you don't fit and not being able to find your place. Rest assured your experience of adolescence is so common - I can guarantee you that some of those people you see as "the popular kids" are literally crying inside with feelings so similar to yours plus you don't know someone else's experience until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Please know this from someone 3 times your age (with kids older than you) who WAS one of those popular kids: good at sport, academics, school captain, lead in the school plays - the lot - but never ever felt that I fit. Everything will be ok you just have to keep looking forward, being yourself and moving forward.

And BTW red hair and fair skin are absolutely beautiful (from someone with olive skin and black hair). Beauty as they say is in the eye of the beholder. Just hang on mate -there will be people in your future who love you and appreciate you, respect you and cherish you and your job is to hold on to meet them.

[Nimportequoi]

Hey Olm
I'm 18 and I know exactly how you feel like... being the outsider, never fitting in, being considered the weird kid, social anxiety.
There's this unwritten rule among the "weird kids" at school that one does not mock the other weirdos for their quirks... at least that's what I've learned. You don't seem to be very enthusiastic about the gaming thing, and they didn't treat you very well either from what you wrote I think...
If I had to give you an advice, don't burn your bridges, try to keep some superficial contact with these three guys, but don't try to talk yourself into seeing them as good friends when they really aren't. It can make you doubt your own perception if you feel you're only surrounded by d*ckheads and insensitve or mocking people, but sometimes, if you're an individualist, it might just take some time to find good friends.
Ways to better self esteem... well of course it would be good if you sought out therapy (go to a therapist, not psychiatrist, the latter just throw pills at you!). Also, you can use the internet and sites like this one to find people who can relate to you and with whom you can talk.
From my own experience, your family and those close to you often don't really get what it means to suffer from mental illness, they either don't take you seriously or devaluate the significance of your suffering. I think this is partly due to a lack of awareness for these issues in society, and partly it's probably you have to have experienced it yourself to know you can be tortured by your own thoughts. So try to not let it hurt you that your mother doesn't get you need help. At the same time it's understandable if you feel angry towards her of course.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by OLM2603

Hi I am 17 y/o. And I really just need to speak to somebody about all this. Since the end of 2013, I have been having completely no sense of self worth and my social life has basically disappeared in the last 3 months and I'm really just wanting to end it all but I don't want to put my mum through it.

My background:
I've been living with my mum for my whole life. I have a father figure whom my mum was married to at the time but I am not his son. I've never known my real father or my half sisters until about 16 months ago. I am heading into my final year of secondary school after Summer but I just can't cope with myself anymore.

How it started:
I used to live in a housing estate up until I was 13, when I moved out to the very rural country. Before I had many friends and was very happy with my life. But around before my 15th birthday I began having suicidal thoughts and began to hate myself and my traits more and more. When I started in secondary school, I made friends with who are now the popular kids, but after 1 year, I stopped talking to them because they used to just slag me all the time (which they do to each other but I just didn't like it). I am terrible at comebacks and stuff like that, I just sound like a stuttering fool.

I'm also terrified of being around girls my age. I am not good looking at all really. Ginger hair, pale skin, no features, etc. Almost every girl that people have asked "do you think OLM is attractive, they say 'no way'". So from then on, I get stupidly nervous around any girl, I don't know what to talk about, I can't make eye contact, my voice waivers sometimes. I just break, and people around see it and cringe. I just feel worthless. I really want to be in a relationship, at my age it's normal to at least have one by now. Even the most unpopular and stranger than me people in my school (all boys) have been in at least 1 relationship with a girl from the other schools.

So after that I began hanging around with these guys who I'd say are just obsessed with gaming and really care about nothing else. I hung around with these for 3 years untjl I couldn't bare the lack of fun with them and tried making new friends. To where I got to the point of making friends with 3 guys. This sounds very condescending, but its just how I feel about them. Guy 1 is a year younger, does nothing but sit at home and play games, and is really cocky. Guy 2, was very popular in school, but he's very immature and insensitive and no joke, half the school hate him. Guy 3 is from another town, one who I get on well with but he really only hangs with us because he's nobody else in the school. We got on very well for most of the year up until about the last month (May) of school.

Guy 1 began to sense I'm terrible at comebacks and banter stuff, and began to purposely try to annoy me at most times. He wouldn't include me when I'd go on PS4. He'd laugh at me that I'm terrible around girls. For the last month of school, he's basically stopped talking to me, Guy 2 and 3 and sits at home all day playing with the guys I used to be friends with before.

Guy 2 is friendly to me, but I can't trust him. Every time I've opened up to him he just is a **** about it. I told him about my real father and siblings and he uses them to annoy me sometimes when we argue.

Guy 3 is mysterious. I only talked to him in school. I want to chat a bit more to him but I don't know what to talk about.

So here I am, I have nobody to enjoy summer with at all. 99% of the other people in my year think I'm weird and boring. I have nothing to talk about with people which is probably one of my biggest flaws. Everyone laughs and has fun talking about sports, hobbies, etc. But all my hobbies are completely unheard of or unpopular in my country. Its not just girls, I've nothing to chat with lads either.

My half siblings have all had great social lives from what I've learned. I've not been around for 15 years of their lives, but they're all really friendly, talkative, outgoing, popular, etc. And then there's me... The reject.

I had a breakdown in the car with my mum after she collected me from being with them a few weeks ago. I just got really down when they started talking amongst themselves about stuff they remember about school and the Prom, etc. I have none of that. I broke down and started sobbing, my mum knew there was something up for the last year or so. I'm still depressed and I think of ending it or disappearing at least twice a day. Its always in the back of my mind. My mum has basically forgotten though, and goes on like she did before the breakdown.

I just need help. How can I fix my life and self esteem. I'm desperate...

Thanks a lot for sharing. I am much older than you and your story reminded me a high school mate of mine. His adolescence was very similar to yours (he did not have half siblings, though). OK, after high school he went to school, moved South, became a teacher, then a Principal and then, a Mayor. He is in his second term right now. I think he had harder times than you and he was bullied a lot during high school. Oh, and he is married and have children.
OK, i do not know if this is helpful but I wanted to tell you just in case

[OLM2603]

Thank you for the reply guys. I really appreciate it.

I really just need to find some solution to this. I've been like this basically for 3 years. I can't remember being actually happy with my life other than once or twice. I know this sounds cliché but I honestly only feel happy when I'm dreaming or for the first 10 seconds after I wake up and realise what my life is and who I am. I tend to always try escape from reality by films, tv shows and music. I am a huge fan of GoT and I'm almost obsessed with the lore and background to it because it makes me feel like I'm in another reality, far from my own. Also movies and music is something I always try to use to escape too.

Before this I used to be quite angry as a child, I was always very bitter about never knowing my real father and half-sisters. I last saw them when I was about 2, a 15 year gap. Now that I know them more and we see each other around once a fortnight, they really are the only reason I keep going I think sometimes, but they're all a lot older in their 20's. But when I'm in the car with them, they start talking about stuff they all did together, times when they were at something that I was also at but we never knew. They've all loads of friends, had great times in school and uni, then I get jealous. It just wrenches me, then I get angry and upset inside but just act all placid and sound on the outside to hide it.

I've tried talking to those guys today, but we just have nothing to talk about. One of them instead of saying "hey long time no talk" or something along those lines said "what do you want?". Guy 2 was fine though.

My entire summer is going to be me at home sitting around, having no friends, or people to talk to. How do I go out and make friends when I'm 15 miles away from anyone else? I'm not good at sports.

I just find it so hard that I used to have loads of friends when I was younger and in just 3 years I've become repulsive, shy, quiet, boring when I feel like I was a totally different person.

[OLM2603]

Thanks for the help guys.

I tried talking to those guys today that I mentioned, well 2 of them. One just asked what I wanted then just went off. The other we chatted for a while but just sat in silence on PS then because we'd nothing to talk about at all. We don't have anything in common anyway. And they haven't messaged me in like 2 weeks. I have to message them to talk to them, they'll never ever message me voluntarily.

I just can't cope. I'm only ever happy for the first 10 seconds after I wake up or when I'm dreaming. I also tend to use TV Shows and Films to escape from reality.

I just can't cope with not being able to socialize without being awkward, quiet, shy, terrified of women, etc.

I used to be fine around other people up until I was 13. I had loads of friends when I lived in the town, and people used to actually want to be around me. Now it seems I'm repulsive to others. I live so far outside of the town too that I just can't go outside and find friends. And I have a reputation in the town from guys from school as being quiet, and boring.

[OLM2603]

I tried talking to those guys. Guy 2 also seems to be doubting Guy 1 as a friend. But Guy 1 came online, said "what do you want" and then just went offline. Guy 2 and I talked for a bit but it was mostly silence as we have absolutely nothing to talk about. He's really confident around other people, he's been in multiple relationships but it always ends for him because he just p*sses them off by being just insensitive and annoys them. But yeah, we basically talked for 5 mins then nothing. They all wouldn't ever message me either to talk. I always have to go to them, they have never ever once messaged me. It feels like they definitely don't care if I was there or not.

I just find it so hard that I'm so terrible at socializing and being around others. I'm constantly thinking of how others think of me, how I look, etc. It's so hard because I used to have loads of friends when I was younger when I lived in the town. Now I'm isolated 20 miles outside the town with my mum and step-dad.

I still get bitter about not being around growing up with my older half-siblings. To never have any advice or help growing up and also never being able to confront my mum because she is out of touch with everything.

I just can't cope

[OLM2603]

I forgot about moderators having to allow posts. I kept thinking my post wasn't registering and posted again and again.

[Nimportequoi]

Hey Olm
Had the same problem when I newly registered to this forum...
Also fun, if you wrote a very long reply to a post and your mobile phone turns off due to low battery... D;
I can't give you any solutions, other than telling you to seek out professional help... it sounds like you've been depressed now for three years already. 10% of all depressive disorders turn chronical. The earlier you seek out help the better....

[OLM2603]

Thanks.

I had an argument with my mum today. And we both started shouting then she admitted to me that she's upset about things herself with her going on a holiday with people she doesn't want to go with and also unhappy with how life is for both of us out in the sticks. We both kinda helped each other, but I might ask her about professional help....

[Nimportequoi]

Hey Olm
That sounds good... talking is always good. I wish you both the strength to go on and face up with the struggles you go through...

[Sula B]

Good for you mate. Sound like a step in the right direction. Talk to your mum - it sounds like she loves you and maybe moving house will help you both.