What if you can't lie in the bed you've made

Like I'm not sure how much longer I can continue living with the mistakes I've made. I've screwed it all up and there is nothing I can do now.

Dear Annoyed,
Many of us come to the pyschcentral forums because we are ashamed of things we have done and require an anonymous place to speak of those things. I've failed at so many things and have done terrible things yet, this year, at times, I've been able to be happy at times and had the chance to do good things too. There are some things I will never be able to think of without experiencing shame, anxiousness, and sadness; yet, as I write this to you; I am glad to be alive. Please hang in there! Do what you have to do in order to survive. For instance, I am ashamed that I had to file for bankruptcy but in order to improve my depression, I had to remove that stresser. I thought the relationships with my primary family were beyond repair. They still are not perfect but are so much better now that I am a little more accepting of my vulnerabilities. Please hang in there! Good things are only possible if you keep trying. I'm in my 50s, life has a lot of ups and downs. The downs usually eventually pass but when your in it, it sometimes feels like the final, sad chapter. You might be able to create a better ending than what you are experiencing now. I don't want to die now; yet, if I was told I had a terminal illness, I would feel gratitude that I had not died last year when I was so depressed. Suicide creates trauma for others. I hope you are not considering it.
Please keep trying. -Myst

Dear Annoyed,
I assume "grunt" means your a veteran. Thanks for your service. Whether you made the commitment for financial reasons, love of country/family or both--it shows you have some grit and determination!
-Myst

Dear Annoyed,
I noticed from another post that you felt at unease in your relationships. I felt that way when I was younger. No boyfriends in high school and college. Yet I have a husband who accepts me despite everything! It can happen to you!
--Myst

Let me see... no job, no love, few friends (and no good ones), unattractive, depressed, getting stupider by the minute and I can look back and say "yep, THAT was stupid of me" on dozens of events

And that is on my good days.

I am also running out of options so I 100% know your feelings

But I am also angry. There are things that happened because I was in the throes of an illness that took away me, the smart guy who works hard or an external circumstance have no control over, like the death of the greatest friend I have ever known. I don't deserve what has happened to me

And you don't either

So I guess my next question is ... what is your backup backup plan? I think I am going to give up on finding a job here and try going overseas to teach English

I want to emphasize that my attempt WAS NOT responsible for any of the good outcomes that I write about above. (I still experience chronic pain, can no longer carry anything heavier than about 5 1bs in a backpack, cannot do yoga, etc.) It was thanks to a competent therapist (had never gone until after the attempt) and a husband that had always cared (but I was too depressed to see it). Believe me, your parents and siblings (if you have any) would be devastated if anything happened to you.
-Myst

I'm just really worried that I have stupidly let my only chance to give my life real meaning slip away. I don't think I really realized I had a problem until it was too late.

And just to clear the record my screen name is a Simpsons reference.

Sorry I jumped to so many conclusions. That Simpson episode is a classic (Suicidal teens = front line infantry). Hope you get another chance to give your life meaning.
Myst

Annoyed grunt is a reference to Simpsons' scripts, where Homer's classic line has only ever been defined as such

Despite it now being in the dictionary as D'OH!, which is defined as an expression of frustration with one's own failings

My life = D'OH!