I'm so low... and it's my fault...

I've been depressed for a very long time. I've taken medication for for about 3 years now, and i've had highs and lows in that time, but for the last three months or so I have been stuck in a low.

I've played an on-line game for about two years. It's a wonderful way to escape from lifes problems, and meet new people. During this time I've met a guy, "H", who is very understanding and caring and ... well wonderful. I'm married, and I know that I can not pursue a relationship with another man while I am married, so I have buried my feelings for H. We continue to talk and be friends on-line, but nothing else developed. My my best friend who also plays the game asked him to come visit our town and meet us, and I told her then that it would be a bad idea beacause I'm afraid I already like him too much, and meeting him would make that worse for me. She blew me off then, but just this last week told me that she thinks she is in love with H. Since her revelation, I've been talking to H, I've told him that I have feelings for him, and that I can't talk to him anymore because it makes me so conflicted. He really wants to be my friend and keep talking to me, but understands if I can't. H told me he cares about me as more than a friend too, but we both know that I am married and it's not possible. My best friend is hurt and upset because she wants me to tell her that I don't care if she is trying to form a relationship with H, but I just can't do this. It's not possible. I feel too strongly for him. My heart won't let me.

Meanwhile, I started counseling 3 weeks ago to try to discover why I am so unhappy. I just want to be happy. In talking to my therapist, he has made me see that a lot of my problems come from my marriage. My husband is not capable of taking care of things on his own, I have to constantly direct him or he does nothing. I have tried gentle reminders, cattle prodding (not really, but mental cattle prodding) and just not saying anything about the situation. He still can't lift a finger around the house or help with our finances or anything. In addition, my husband has anger control problems that result in him yelling at our children way too often. I haven't talked to my husband about my feelings for H, he would be so hurt and devastated that I feel that way for someone else. At this time, telling him that is not an option. My T did ask that I bring my husband with me to my counseling session next week, and he has agreed to go. I truly want to give him a chance to work on his issues, but T has pointed out that it might be necessary to consider divorce because it may be the only way for me to be happy

So here I am, my best friend is disappointed in me because I care about the person she believes she is in love with. My husband doesn't meet my needs, and I don't think he can change enough to do so.I am so unhappy with everything in my life at the moment, except my kids. I have deep feelings for someone that I can't be with.

I am just scraping the bottom now. I don't know what to do, and feel like giving up all together. I've never been suicidal, but I went to bed the night before last thinking about how I can't do or be what anyone else wants me too, and I am so disappointed in myself for not being the person I want to be. I woke up in the morning with the very distinct thought if I wanted to kill myself, I would have to go to the store and get some pills because the ones I have at home wouldn't do the job.

My therapist is on vacation, and the next appointment I have with him will be the one my husband goes to. I'm so sad, so scared, so alone.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist at this time. I hope your therapist can help you make the correct decisions that you need to make at this time in your life. Take care. Soidhonia

therapy is a wonderful start to sorting all this out for yourself. talking to someone that can see things from an objective point of view is very helpful. they dont let emotions and the such cloud their judgement the some friends to. sorry you are feeling so down. but i truly believe you are on the right track to getting the help you need and discovering the answers to your questions. bless you on your journey an may happiness find you sooner thatn you think.

recluse1

My sympathy to you for the problems you are going through. However absurd it may seem to you, for me you are on the right path. You have a depression problem but you are addressing it the right way. First curing the illness, and then you have clear in mind that depression is triggered by your real problems. Having said this, I suggest that, if possible, you see the situation in steps:

First you have a marriage that must be reconsidered. it depends mainly on your husband, can he work his problems and find a new meaning in your marriage (he seems to have lost it now).
If you fix your marriage, all the otehr problems will be eliminated, so you really have to focus on that.

Uh, and by the way, I can't see any trace of FAULT on your part, really. YOu are just trying to make up your mind about what can make you happy, like everyone.

The best of luck and let us know

Hey there,

No, no it's not your fault. Doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong to me! It's natural to be attracted to others even if you are in a relationship, the important part is that you try not to act on it, which you're doing.

You're going to therapy, which is excellent. You're doing everything right, so don't give up, k?

best wishes,
Meander