He says it's my fault

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7. We were separated for 14 months, and he moved back in at Thanksgiving. Well, he has slowly declined, and has had 2 panic attacks (the 1st ever) in the past 3 weeks. He started seeing a psychiatrist, and was prescribed Lexapro for depression and Klonopin for anxiety. He quit taking the Lexapro, says he doesn't want to depend on meds for the rest of his life. I have triied so hard to do everythng in the most supportive way. I have missed work, taken care of him. I even booked us a night at a hotel and 2 massages for last night. He didn't even get off of the couch yesterday, so I had to cancel the reservations. The abour 12:30 last night he told me he can't be here, he can't stand to hear my voice, he has had suicidal thoughts, and he feels like I'm smothering him.
I have been very careful not t be overbearing. Yesterday I didn't even sat anything to him about it, I just kept to myself. So, what do I do? Is this the depression talking or does he really feel this way about me? We have 2 children, a 6 yr. old and a 19 month old. I haven't told him to move out, but I'm not sure I can continue to live with him. At the same time, my children need stablity, and I don't want him to leave now only to try to return later. I am at a loss...

Do what is best for you and the children. It doesn't sound like you can "depend" on him to be stable right now, especially if he has stopped taking his meds and appears to be getting worse. You can only live your life, can't really do much "for" him as no matter what you do and how you see it he's going to have his own perspective. Work to live your own life and help your children grow; his problems are his and it's ugly and inexcusible of him to blame you. You heard him say he doesn't like the sound of your voice and you have become quiet around him -- why should he get to control your voice and why should he say such an ugly thing? Why shouldn't he keep his negative thoughts to himself instead? You're trying, he is not, plain and simple. He's having a hard time but that's an "excuse" and there are no excuses for not trying to do the best we can.

Were he my husband I'd tell him to leave and not come back until you determine he might and he'll have to show you he's stable and working at making his life and your family life work.

BUt at the same time I dont want to abandon him, I want him to get better.
He said that he knows I haven't done anything to warrant his feelings, but he still feels that way.
I want him to get help so bad, ad I think that he may if I ask him to, but I don't want to insist and then his feelings about me become even worse.

Hi, my husbnd has uttered these same sentiments to me many times in the 20 years we have been together. You have to believe that it is the illness talking. This is quite possibly one of the hardest things to do. At least it is for me. You have to learn to separate the depressive talk from the reality. It helped me to make a list of things he does/did that I know are sincere and a list of the things that are mean/unrealistic. When things get tense focus on the nice memories, thoughts, speech that you have shared with him. THOSE are the real person.

I also have learned the hard way to back off. Epseically during times of depression. I have found through lots of tears and fighting that empowering him to help himself has offerend the best recovery.

While my husband never did the complete push-away when he has been in depressive episodes, he certainly has increased needs for privacy and often blames me for many of his problems in an irrational way.

I can live with the lack of motivation, but the rudeness is what I find intolerable. That's usually when I call in the big guns.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I can definitely relate

what are the big guns

heh - his ADD coach, his/our psychologist, his psychiatrist, and I threaten to call his mother or if it's dire, a mobile crisis unit.

LOL yep, big guns.....especially calling mom!

I know Iv asked this before, but more on the ADD Coach, do they work with children?

his in particular does also work with children, but some specialize. I imagine she'd be great with kids. I found her on the internet, but she lives within walking distance of my house. I also had put an ad on Craigslist.org asking people for recommendations.

Thanks for your input everyone. I talked to our therapist today after I had time to cool down and think a little more rationally. I have decided that for now I need to cut off contact with him and to take care of myself so I am better able to take care of our children.
I think he went into the psychiatrist today, but I don't know for sure. I don't know what frame of mind he is in right now, he has made no effort to contact me.
I was a total wreck yesterday, but some frineds came by and listened to me, and I know they are here to help and support me, and just knowing that makes me feel better.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I hope things will get better for you and your husband.
Wishing you the best,
Hugs,
Linda

((( Dedicatedwifemom )))

I know the feeling. I'm sorry

We're here to support you too. I think you're making a good decision.

You've got to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others...

Yes, I'm glad you have such good friends.

dedicated, first off he is old enough to take care of himself and is telling you this, second, your children need you to focus on them right now, third, it is always the wife that finds herself coming in third when you should be first, without you who would your children have, so focus on you and the children, he will realize you are looking out for his family and get the treatment he needs
Dearheart, have been married 31 years hubby is OCD, Panic/Anxiety, and Depression, while we are Bi-Polar, DID, and Depression, it's been tough at times but worth it, hang in there
Angie

Well, he came over tonight for the 1st time since he left. I had to call him and tell him that there was something very important to talk about, and asked him to come over after the kids were asleep. I told him that I left a message for a lawyer today, and that I am contemplating divorce. He knows that I am TOTALLY against divorce, and that I am not making a rash emotional decision. We were separated 14 months before he moved back in at T'giving, so I am not rushing into this at all.
I am going on a religious retreat the last weekend of this month, and I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance in this decision. I explained to him that I cannot continue to allow him to treat me this way, that we are his wife and children, we ARE NOT DISPOSABLE. That's how it feels to me, like if he's unhappy he just leaves. I am always left with all of the responsibility, he lives 2 min. away and hasn't seen his children in 10 days!!!
OK, I am still hurt and a little angry, but I know he is hurting, too. He is seriously depressed and there is nothing I can do to help him. He really has no close friends to help him through this, he is relying on his therapist and psychiatrist. I am not sure what I should do...

What was his reaction?

If it was not along the lines of wanting to try, then I think you're doing the right thing. Starting the process doesn't mean that you're severing the possibilities of still making it work, but you HAVE to do what it takes to keep yourself and your kids emotionally safe. I can only imagine the heartbreak you feel and I'm really, really sorry

Good luck at the retreat this weekend - I hope it helps

Well, I am not sure what to do. He was very sad the other night when he was here, his eyes were bloodshot, he hadn't shaved in a week, and I think he was on the verge of tears. He doesn't cry easily, so that is a pretty big deal.
He has been more in touch since then. Yesterday I tm'd him, and instead of Tm'ing me back he actually called.
Then he called a couple of times today. The last time he called he had just spoken to his psych and therapist. They told him to take a sleeping pill to get a good night's rest, and if he wasn't feeling any lift in the depression tomorrow morning to call them and they would try to get him a bed in a hospital. He had already taken the sleeping pill and was pretty drowsy when he called me. He said the treatment would be 3-5 days...but he couldn't elaborate because he was so sleepy. Does that sound weird to anyone else?
He said he would call me tomorrow to let me know his decision. I did ask him if that was what he wanted to do, and he said that he HAD to do something.

i noticed this the other day and didn't comment, but i feel i must. i thought it was very interesting that you put this in the Caregivers Forum. personally, i have a hard time with seeing you as his caregiver. he's a grown man. and treats you badly.

i hope you take gentle care of yourself for now. xoxoxo pat

I hear him trying to shift blame for his problems on to you, and I agree with fayerody. This is a grown man, not a child.

When he is sick and tired of being sick and tired then he will take the necessary steps to change his life for the better. You cannot do that for him, and to attempt to make him change or try and "save" him from himself, is, in my opinion, dysfunctional and co-dependent. Please don't think me harsh, I have been there with two alcoholics in my former "Straight" life. You have yourself and your children to care for. Let him sort it out for himself. If you are a believer in prayer, which it sounds like you are, now is the time. "Every moment of the day it is the right time", as Steven Curtis Chapman says. Only he and God can change him, so let them get to work, and meanwhile seek fellowship for support and healing. Remember how precious your children are, God gave them to you and they DO need you. It may take awhile for him to hit his bottom, but as long as he can try and take the attention off himself he is not going to make progress in bettering his situation. Stay strong, God bless and PM anytime.

RF

He sounds like he needs inpatient care, something far beyond what you can render. Hospitalization is for stablizing the patient, getting them onto their meds and future scheduling with psychiatrist and psychologist or another counselor, also with an agreement for self care.

If inpatient treatment is not against his will, he can learn what he needs to do and begin regular medication adherence in 3-5 days, yes. Be assured that (unless insurance or incompetence with the doctors reign) if he isn't ready to leave the hospital, they will try to keep him until he complies with the necessary ingredients for good, safe self-care.

This is too much for you to have to bear alone. I hope the struggling smooths soon.

BTW, did he make a decision or put it off again? Perhaps the attention he receives from you keeps him in denial...and the depression at bay for a few hours or such? I hope you urge him to follow through with hospitalization, as he obviously isn't listening to you. TC

Pat, I'm encouraging 'spouses/significant others' to post in Caregivers because at the moment, we don't really have a more appropriate forum for our support needs. I will suggest a new one, but it takes time and evidence that there is enough of a need to warrant a new forum.

I don't see myself as a 'caregiver' and while I can't speak for DedicatedWife, I would like to ask the membership not to judge us negatively for posting here. We're under an enormous amount of stress, guilt, and stigma as it is.

Thanks,
LMo

I don't see any problem with y'all posting in this forum on these types of issues. I don't have anyone IRL who lives with me, but if there were, they would definitely be considered a caregiver!!!