being sued, feeling suicidal

I'm going to keep this vague because my situation is complicated.

VERY few people in my life know what happened. If enough time passes it will become just another dirty family secret. I made them promise to never tell. I already have a history with depression, I can deal with the pitiful looks but not if they found out what happened. I don't need their judgement or their shame on my shoulders.

The guilt and shame I've been feeling over the past 7 months are beginning to test my sanity and strength. I don't talk about it, I just think about it all the time. I think about it when I drive to work, it creeps around my mind while I work, and when I go to bed I hope I'm tired enough to pass out before I end up crying myself to sleep.

I will never forget what happened, some details will get muddled because of time. One thing I am sure of is that anyone who has gone through this will know, is that you never forget that sound and that moment. Turning into a coward and wishing it was you instead. My suicidal thoughts feel justified. Why am I not dead? Wouldn't it all just be easier. It doesn't matter how many times I'm told that it was an accident by police, professionals, or my family. I will not forgive myself.

It's hard pretending to everyone else that I'm fine, it's hard to try and concentrate in class or at work when I'm thinking of ways to kill myself or the impending civil suit against me. I don't know what's going to happen, and I think that living with this self hatred is my punishment. I don't want absolution. I wish that if it were possible I could erase my existence.

(((HUGS)))
We all make mistakes. We all have regrets. And we all carry the burden of them. This world can be so random, cruel, and unrelenting sometimes... Things happen and we wish we could go back and change that one tiny action or moment that maybe could undo the the past...but there is no way of truly ever knowing, even a different course could have resulted in the same outcome. It sounds like you have been/ paying greatly for your mistake. Living with our actions and the world's judgement is more than punishment enough for anything that you could have done...Please don't beat yourself up further....It was an accident...you have accepted the blame for your part in it, but don't take the on all the blame for infinite randomness of the universe too! ... I know it feels dark and hopeless right now, but YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE! and THIS ONE ACTION DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE! You are here in this world for a reason and the fact that you are still here means that one incident was not your purpose for being, you are still here which means you are still needed that you have not fulfilled your purpose in this life... and we as humans are not just one thing we are many things. The worst is behind you..which means that you have to believe the best is yet to come Please Hang in there..and be kind gentle and forgiving to yourself.
" after the darkest night; dawns the light of a new day.."

Hello la bella vita: I'm so sorry you are carrying this burden. There are also some things in my past that cause me sometimes unbearable sadness. (And I have tried to put an end to my existence... multiple times...) I also know what it is like to not be able to share it with anyone. Oh, I guess I could see a therapist. But what's the point? It wouldn't change anything. What's done is done. It was all over with many years ago now.

I have an internet acquaintance who is a devout Christian. I'm not. But if I were he's the kind of deeply thoughtful Christian I would want to be. He has tried to convince me that it is possible for one to forgive oneself. However, for my part, I maintain there are some things so egregious that self-forgiveness is simply not possible. This is how I feel about myself. So, in my life, what I strive for is simple acceptance of things as they are. I don't have any suggestions or encouragement to offer you here. I simply wanted to share my experience.

I know my situation is different but here's what I learned. I was in a car accident and I missed the stop sign. It was my fault but I have learned that it was an accident and could have been a lot worse. I wanted to be dead from it because of all the fall out. Well I reached out for help after my health insurance said they wouldn't pay for my therapist. It was the best thing that could have happened. What I'm saying is I could have been hurt worse. I wished I was but I learned a lot of insight from this trial. It's only for a small moment. I looked for help, and it saved me from my negative thinking. Maybe you need to be more compassionate towards your self. How would you treat a friend that was in the same situation?

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wow this life is really so hard...I am sorry that you are suffering so much...

Inside, you are a good person. Whatever happened, really doesn't matter. I too, always worried about what everyone else thought. Just think about if someone else came to you with the same secrets, how would you react? Would you condemn them? Throw them out? I doubt it. You would probably tell them its okay. Because inside you are still and always have been a good person. Whatever the world has thrown at you since, you are still a good person. I always worried about "losing everything." What I found out was how much of my life I wasted worrying about what everyone else thought. And the "everything" I was worried about losing? It wasn't worth all the time and effort it took to get in the first place. So, keep talking, keep writing. Don't be afraid to let it out, little by little. And don't judge yourself harder than you would treat someone else. Right? Yes, its awful. But don't let mean and judgemental people treat you this way. Trust us, we know. Just keep talking OK? And if you stop talking, really stop, call 911. I did once. And I'm glad I did.