Hardcore insomnia and hard problems

Hi,
I am at my wits end! I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but I see no symptoms of this disease. Rather depressive issues. I have basically all signs and symptoms of major depression:
(can't post the link -> write in google -> depression symptoms and click on website helpguide.org...)
Although I do not feel sad or cry I have all other stuff.

Cut to the point...

I am 26 years old male, taking Zeldox (ziprasidone) 40mg in the morning 40mg in the evening, besides it reducing my weight nothing did I notice with it. That's all I'm taking.

What troubles me is hardcore sleep-onset insomnia! I am so desperate I am regularly overdosing and taking 5-6x more medicine I have been prescribed. Now as I write I took 100mg of promazine (Sparine/Prazine), 10mg of diazepam and 60mg (2 pills of highest dose 30mg) of flurazepam (Dalmane/Fluzepam) and I don't feel tired or sedated not a single percent! I am DESPERATE!!! And I still cannot fall asleep after 3-4 hours. I do not wake up in the middle of the night when I fall asleep and I sleep regular 8-9 hours, but I feel like **** when I wake up cause of so much medicine. Sometimes I mix half of gram of promazine and 30mg of diazepam and 90mg of flurazepam and then I fall asleep finally after hour or so, but I sleep all the other day long. One day recently I OD-d with promazine and flurazepam and even if I was dead sedated and my eyes were sore I couldn't fall asleep for 3 (THREE!!!) HOURS!!! This is driving me crazy! I am contemplating suicide and am constantly thinking and reading means of doing one. I JUST... CAN'T SLEEP!!! Very often I overdose. I tried all available anxiolytics and hypnotics available in my country, mixing them too! I often overdose because of despair! Most strongest doses of medicine are just like carbon pills that have no effect! I tried melatonin, took spoons of it. 100mg or so. But no, neither that helped. I tried physical activity and even all day of physical activity left me sleepless and full of energy at night. One day I was awake all day, then I was awake all night, than I was awake all day and second night I still couldn't sleep! I took another heavy dose just to fall asleep!

What can I do??? I am desperate! I am suicidal! My life suffers! I am aggressive, moody, with often headaches and nervous! Nothing can calm me down! I mix Xanax, diazepam, promazine... just about everything I have in my house just to amplify the sleep effect... but nothing! I was on sleep disorder center, they just recommended melatonin (which is pure ****, as 100mg didn't help me) and wanted to add Seroquel as second sleep inducing antipsychotic. Maybe I should take Seroquel? Maximum dose? But where will it lead me? To heavy substance abuse and dependance! I can't go to sleep with handful of mixed pills.

Please, please, please help me! Advise me! I am having relationship over the internet but I am ruining it cause I have very bad mood and am very aggressive cause of not being able to sleep! I fall asleep when it's dawning (4-5 AM) and then bloody birds are making noise and I CAN'T SLEEP!!! Then I wake up at 12:30-13:30 PM. Speaking of relationship I fear more! My sexual function is a mess! I can hardly achieve orgasm and it takes a lot of arousal to get solid erection. To orgasm I have to strain like madman! And when I orgasm it's not satisfying at all Not to mention my sex drive is like of t-rex. It's extinct. I have to watch hard core porn to get aroused. (porn abuse? thousands of hours watching porn?)

I feel sad! I fell horrible! And the worst part is... EVERYTHING IS BLOODY BOOOOOOOOOORING!!! I do not enjoy once most enjoyable activities (gaming, listening to music, watching movies). I can't stand any song... It feels like most boring song I ever heard. I have looked at list of 1100 hobbies, not a single one did ignite interest in me! I hardly eat, cause eating is boring to me! Every single day cheese cream, some stews, pasta, bla bla bla so boring! I do not want to eat! I live by the sea it's very warm past few weeks (I have hard time enduring heat!!!), but sea is 300 feet from my place and I haven't been swimming for last 15 days! It's BLOODY BOOOOORING!!! I think my most desired activity, which I never had, sex, is so BOOOOORING!!! I think LIFE IS SOOOOO BORING!!! I would be happiest person to inject anesthetic and sleep for 3 consecutive days, be awake one day, and than rinse and repeat! I would like to sleep my whole life... but, lookie-look... I CAN'T BLOODY SLEEP!!!

And to top it off... I am obsessed with studying life ending means and suicide methods. I spend around 2-3 hours per day just looking for MLD (minimum lethal doses) of medicine, which medicine enhances which and I basically learnt all the psychotropic meds that exist by heart. I know MLD for each one. And I also know which ones are best and where to obtain them. I had several failed suicide attempts before, each resulting in month/month and a half in psychiatric hospital. Now I think if I pull that again I'll be dead!

But I have that girlfriend I love so much... And she doesn't even know how much of a mess is my life :'( I wouldn't want to lose her! But even she doesn't present me a reason to live. I just wanna die! Peacefully. Cause I think whatever is after death is far better than this life I have. Horrible family situation. One friend which I see 3-4 times per year and brother who is living his own life and mother who is nearing the end and fighting bastard of my father.

Besides I am person with disability. I receive social security money. Which is downright insolent low! I have only 180$ per month. I am forbidden of any kind of work. If I work my rights are abolished. But anyway I don't feel like I could work anything! Every work is boring. Every work is hard. Every work includes people (I avoid and hate people, I don't like socialising). To me everything is either strong YES or strong NO!!! I do not mess with maybe, probably etc.

But all this things mentioned I really REALLY need help! I have appointment with my psych every 2-2.5 months, and she gives me 15 minutes at the most! Have no money for private psychiatrist. I forget and can't tell everything to her in that time. Even if I succeed I get nothing tangible and helpful as answer. So I came here... I am doomed

So I know I wrote a bible and I will get again shallow, non helpful, or even answers that will not gude me anywhere. But I really beg for help I am at my wits end! It's 2AM in the morning and after 100mg of promazine, 60mg of flurazepam and 10mg of diazepam I DO NOT FEEL TIRED not a 1%! I am considering taking another 200mg of promazine. I am DESPERATE!!! If this doesn't end soon I will end my life.

So please... please... help me

Please, anybody ?

Hi life ender,

Welcome to PC.

I'm sorry I have only just seen your post and even more sorry no one else answered it.

I can hear so much hurt and pain in what you have written and I wish no one had to suffer like that. Lack of sleep makes everything harder to cope with too.

I think the addition of the sleep inducing antipsychotic you suggested may be a wise option as at least it isn't addictive like all the benzodiazepines and related drugs you listed which are seriously addictive and do only work for a short time. Sadly the side effects of withdrawal from these is insomnia, but once you get over the withdrawal you're back to what you would have been before they messed up your system.

I use an antipsychotic for managing night time agitation and insomnia and am lucky enough that it helps (though not all the time).

I hope so much that you find some relief.

Keep posting here on different forums that might be helpful.
I have found support here, people here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have.

Maybe these forums will be interesting for you.....

http://forums.psychcentral.com/#trea...are-strategies

Schizophrenia and Psychosis - Forums at Psych Central

Disabilities and Chronic Diseases - Forums at Psych Central

Games - Forums at Psych Central

Men-Focused Support - Forums at Psych Central

And many more.....

Don't be put off if the forum is for the diagnosis you don't really agree with, it's a place where others with that same experience may be posting.

If you try as many as you can, with relevant extracts from your first post, you're more likely to find people who can offer some understanding and insight.

Good luck and sleepy thoughts.

Hi, welcome to the forums. I think you need immediate medical attention - you have a lot going on and you need help getting better. Please call your doctor or go to the ER. Keep us posted, we are here to support you.

Dear life_ender,
I am sorry you are in such desperate straits. I agree with rainyday107 that you may need medical attention. You have said you have no money for a psychiatrist but should at least see some sort of healthcare professional. It could be important. Many of us who post here (including me) take medications to help with insomnia. However, with everything you are taking, it's important to take your medications as prescribed and to seek medical advice for additional help.
Please don't let your lack of funds keep you from going to a doctor or hospital! It could be very detrimental to your budget not to go.
Think of the girl you love and go get help.
I hope you get some sleep soon! Myst

I also think you need to see a health care professional. What you have written shows that you are in a lot of pain and need some thing more than PC can offer. The support system is great here but you need some help right now. I hope that you have contacted the health care professional that prescribed you the medicine so they can help you.

What happened? You didn't follow up on your thread. We are concerned. I'm glad you're alive as you are posting about boredom.

Taking all those pills is so dangerous- you need to tell your pdoc everything you told us. You can get permanent organ damage if you don't have it already.

We can support you but we can not fix things or medically treat you. You need intensive medical intervention during times like this.

You need to take some responsibility here. We want the best for you. What do you want? What have you done in that regard? What happens next?

Nothing happened... It will soon start raining. Raining ***** again. My sleep? Once 3am until 12 am. Than 6 am until 14 pm. No pattern.

Oh lol xD you have no idea what I drink quite often. A gram of promazine? Not a problem! A half gram? Like a candy! Technically it's drug abuse... But since it stones me... Yea... I like it! Ohhh don't worry. Everyone knows I am abusing drugs.

But lol organ damadge? I wanna cancer! So I can verify my suicide.

What do I want?
- soooooo sooooo much. Yet sooo sooo little. Peace.

What have I done in that regard?
- well for first part "much" part my almost 27 years of effort. For second... Just dozens of hours studying best method for life ending.

What happens next?
- I do not know. It collects in my soul. Suffer. Pain. Basically sometimes I wanted to pull down as much others as possible with me... But no... I'll end it with myself.

Which anyway may or may not happen. I told my doctor I am suicidal.

Reply: good thing that you just keep it in thoughts, not actually attempting it.

To that... Lol!

Since next time it wont count as an attempt.

Sorry ppl... When you lost your last hope you feel... Like od-ing. I just wanna sleep. F*k the organ damage.

I need to sleep... Not die. Yet... Just sleep. It hurts. So much!

I hope you find health and peace soon. Take care.

Sorry rainyday107, whoever you are... You have kind wishes. I am sorry for being rude. Well, I am just f*kd up. Basically, everything is falling apart. My family, my life... I don't really want to think what would I do with an arsenal of guns in my room. Well... Anyway, I am desperately furious against the world and life, so don't take it personally. I took .6 grams of promazine and yeah, stoned myself... What if it would be 1.2 grams? Basically nothing... I just slept until 3pm. I am loosing it... I was once to private psychiatrist and paid much money (for me it is much) and got no results. I may consider visiting another, different one... But I see no point in it... So please do not take it against you. When I feel like s*t I behave out of control.

Sorry...

I agree with what people had said. I think you need medical attention as soon as possible. They can help with sleep issues to and find the right medication for you.

Sorry I am not much help.

Sending gentle hugs your way.

Take me to USA heheh, here health care is not so good. And... I have no money. And... Have to wait for an appointment with my psych, she gets angry if I come earlier.

I think you're hurting, but taking a cocktail of drugs is doing more bad then good. I recommend that you walk into the ER and tell them what you're taking every night end the reason why.

Sent from my KYOCERA-E6560 using Tapatalk

How u doing tonight? If we are still suckin air there is still hope.
Gotta tell u I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about that BEACH by your house ever since! I'm sure its hard to enjoy right now but...man...sounds good to this lifetime alaskan.
Medications have not alwys been the best answer for me ....its exhausting .....
Can I ask what the reason is that u don't want to seek medical help.?
I get it..I have my own fears about psychiatry..just curious
I really hope u feel better..
Do you watch movies at all?

Thinking of you
Northbelle

Just read your posts....what has your dr done for you? Not being able to sleep can aggravate depression, induce hallucinations, increase irritability...

I know it hurts, it sucks, it's very painful and tortuous.

Believe me I understand, the longest stretch I went through, with approx 3 hours sleep total, was SEVEN days... I thought I was going to die, i actually prayed for it so I feel I can empathize. It's not so much that i wanted to be dead, but going so long without sleep is horrid, I thirsted for it in the same way someone craves water when they are dehydrated. It is very painful, and you have my sympathy.

Meds can aggravate sleeplessness- you might check w/your doc, if you haven't already.

Unfortunately, the alcohol/other substances might also be aggravating it - that is how it affects me, personally. I had tried drinking to get to sleep, but found it sort of a "false sleep" - when I'm that drunk, it's not really a true, restorative sleep. But I feel you - I grabbed for anything that might relieve me.

Years later, I still go cycles of insomnia - I just finished a four day stretch of zero sleep. My PTSD and Bipolar cause this at least twice p/month, I can have this weekly. It's hard on the body and the mind; I have also visited suicide sites during these stretches.

The sleepless cycles happen so much, that I've had to cobble together a plan that works for me, but it is not always 100% effective (as evidenced by my recent 4-day sleep desert). What "works" for me may not work for you, but here it is:

I still go to work, do what I need to do. Try to keep to my traditional bedtime, without napping.

I drink LOTS of water during the day, try to eat as sparingly and healthy as I can ( i seem to crave carbs when I'm sleep-deprived).

- no heavy meals 4-6 hours before bedtime (digestion can interfere w/sleep)
- one cup coffe, during a.m., only - no other stimulants
- avoid alcohol, any substances except my psych meds
- shower about hour before bed
- cool, dark bedroom
- no electronic devices 4-6 hrs before bedtime
- some kind of "white noise" (although this can aggravate my hallucinations, I'm usually hallucinating anyway, so it's a wash). There's a great youtube channel, Texas Hi Def, where he has recordings I like to use: fan noise, bonnet hair dryer noise, rain on car roof, etc. I like that they are clean and clear, many loop for over an hour.
- one earphone w/calming, non-verbal music (I mean, no lyrics) that is non-stimulating, repetitive; very quiet volume
- comforting blanket, even stuffed animal (yeah, I know - but I need comfort, and I don't give a damn)

I've read forums outside of PC about people dealing w/insomnia, and it seems that the general consensus is that is a rough condition, it can be chronic, and it can take time to find something that will work for you. Some have recommended getting a sleeping pill prescription, just to break the cycle. Others have found sleep studies helpful.

Please know, I am wishing and hoping that you will find some respite, and be able to sleep. I understand the gallows humor this condition can generate; it makes me feel desperate, too. If you can, please see a doctor, even check in to the hospital (either Mental Health or regular Emergency).

In solidarity

-Bolivar

...just saw one of your later posts (problem w/healthcare, funding). I guess I took it for granted you had similar or better access; sorry i made those assumptions. I hope you can break this sleepless cycle, hope you are finally getting your much-needed rest.

If you wish, hope also you will post again with update, even if just to vent; adding trigger warnings should you need to talk about suicidal feelings would help others gauge their current ability/willingness to enter the discussion. Sometimes keeping mentally stable means I need to step back from posts that might be painful.

The community here really does care, and will extend themselves whether or not they deal with the exact same things. Everyone in these forums has had to deal with hard times/heavy struggles, the extra challenges that seem to come with mental illness, so their feedback has more weight than your usual forums.

If you have pulled out of this, you might consider creating a plan for the next time insomnia descends. I truly hope it doesn't, but have found that having a plan in place at least gives me some place to start when sleeplessness makes it hard for me to think, organize.

Take care

Bol