[Humpty Dumpty]

I need help. I'm not sure if I will live through the night, & I don't know if I want to. I have been in 2 different mental hospitals & that isn't for me. I feel like to much of a prisoner there. Eating when they tell you to, going to bed when they tell you to, complete lack of freedom, putting it like that sounds a lot like being in jail & that's how it feels to me. The drs never listen to me and don't want to arm me with more information on my condition.
I am tired of fighting my suicidal thoughts. They are becoming overwhelming. If I take extended time off from work I feel even worse because I'm not doing my fair share of supporting my wife. If I goto a dr about this they will lock me up, "For my own safety." Like I'm to dumb to be able to kill myself inside a mental hospital. Right off the bat I can think of 2-3 ways to do it. (No I'm not going into detail.)
I can't begin to explain why this makes me both sad & wanting to give up. I am struggling not to have another nervous breakdown but I constantly feel like it is just 1 misstep away. Honestly I'm surprised I've made it this far.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

First, I am very happy you have made it this far. I too can get very suicidal. It usually comes on at night when I am only minor depressed. Otherwise, it is a constant nag in my life. Are your suicidal thoughts so severe that you have a plan AND a time line of the action. I go to see a Psychologist and she knows I get suicidal but she wants me to talk about it. She says the only way she would throw me in a hospital is if I had a plan AND a time line. That is how she differentiates between the urgent and the normal suicidal thoughts of a depressed person.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by CognitoSchiz1989

Are your suicidal thoughts so severe that you have a plan AND a time line of the action. I go to see a Psychologist and she knows I get suicidal but she wants me to talk about it. She says the only way she would throw me in a hospital is if I had a plan AND a time line. That is how she differentiates between the urgent and the normal suicidal thoughts of a depressed person.

I have a plan & the time line to put it into place is difficult to say. Simplest way to say it is once I decide to give up. Although I don't know when that will be. I thought it was last night, but unfortunately I'm still here.
Your therapist is one reason I can't trust doctors.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

Well I am very thankful it wasn't the other night. I am glad you are still here. I am sorry that you have a plan and a time line. I honestly don't know what to say besides stay strong and don't do it. Distract yourself. I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain. And why does my therapist make you not like doctors. She has never put me in the hospital. She lets me talk openly without the fear.

[Fuzzybear]

I wish I had seen a therapist who gave a crap like yours does..

Maybe then I wouldn't be thinking of my plan so much

Nothing bear

(Sorry for the hijack )

Originally Posted by CognitoSchiz1989

Well I am very thankful it wasn't the other night. I am glad you are still here. I am sorry that you have a plan and a time line. I honestly don't know what to say besides stay strong and don't do it. Distract yourself. I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain. And why does my therapist make you not like doctors. She has never put me in the hospital. She lets me talk openly without the fear.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Humpty Dumpty )))))))))

I can only empathise with your pain

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by CognitoSchiz1989

And why does my therapist make you not like doctors. She has never put me in the hospital. She lets me talk openly without the fear.

You yourself said if you had a plan AND a time line she would lock you up. So I guess I should rephrase what I said. Your therapist is yet one more reason I don't trust Drs. She would have me locked up because of how I feel.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

Well honestly, I believe when you have a plan and a time line that the best place for you in the hospital (at least the hospitals I have been too). She doesn't throw me in the hospital for just having suicidal thoughts. Most doctors if you even mention that you have thought about dying lock you up. Mine doesn't. So to me she is a great doctor. I think you need to find a Psychologist (not therapist) that can help you through your issues. One you can trust.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Why exactly do I belong in a hospital? I'm no safer there than anywhere else. Bed checks every 15-20 minutes. If I'm too dumb to kill myself inside of 15 minutes then I deserve whatever I get.
Finding a doctor, therapist, or psychologist that I can trust is like saying you should go find a unicorn. They don't exist.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

I don't believe you belong in a hospital. That is generalizing what I said. I believe it is a safer option with your current thoughts. And lets not talk openly about how easy it is to kill yourself. It's very triggering. And I too believed there was no good psychologist out there for me. But after years of therapist, quitting, therapist, quitting, psychologist, quitting, etc. I found one. Don't give up hope.

[CognitoSchiz1989]

I realize saying don't give up hope might sound useless right now. Because in the depths of depression I know hope is no where to be found. I also don't know much about your personal life or the ones around you but I can 100% tell you that I care and don't want you to give up. I have hope for you. Yes, that may not be enough for you, but I hope you ponder what I have said.