[TrappedAndDesperate]

I'm almost 42 and have been severely depressed for 13 months now, and I was dysthymic for as long as I can remember. 5 months ago, I tried to kill myself and was locked up in a hospital for 3 weeks. Since then, I've been trying so, so very hard. I've started seeing a CBT therapist, take my medicine, joined an advanced French course, do pilates and yoga and badminton and cycling, got 2 cats, got 2 tattoos to remind me of things I like, started volunteering in a soup kitchen and as a first-aid person and soon as a volunteer in the hospital. I joined a mountain hiking group. I went to a meditation retreat. I'm visiting friends. Anything to stop thinking and not be alone at home.

And none of it feels real. I feel it's hopeless, and that everyone is lying to me that it'll get better, just because they can't imagine / won't admit that suicide is sometimes better. What hurts me most is that my brother doesn't believe me when I say these things. He refuses to listen to me when I'm "complaining". And yet I'm living only for him. It's so unfair.

I hate and despise myself. I hate my life. I've been single for the last 13 years. I feel I should have killed myself when I was a teenager already. I'd have done, if I'd known in advance how lonely I'd always be. Until I got depressed, I believed things would eventually radically improve (they simply had to, I couldn't imagine the universe being so cruel forever), but now I have lost hope that they will. I'll always feel anxious and worthless and cowardly and lazy and ugly and stupid and hopeless with women. I'll always be alone. I'm too weird, childish, inexperienced.

The last thing I took pride in was my job, but now I hate it and feel worthless at it, and I feel so trapped. I can't bear my job anymore, and I am afraid of resigning and going on unemployment benefits. I don't think I'll ever find a job again, and I dread being alone at home all day. So trapped.

I was in love (unrequited) with a colleague, and now she has left the company. There's nothing left for me anymore. I feel sad and worthless and empty without her, and yet I also felt sad and worthless whenever I saw her. I feel awful. I told her I can't be her friend anymore, and it breaks my heart. She's beautiful, adventurous, happy, loved, energetic, interesting, curious, capable, sociable, sporty, young, and brave, and I'm her opposite in everything. I'm so inferior.

Today I went with the mountain hiking group. I felt so alone. I was thinking the whole time about how much I hate myself and was looking with sick thoughts at dangerous precipices and thinking how pointless it all was. Climbing a mountain for 6 hours, what for? There are 100s more mountains to climb. Gorgeous scenery and yet I felt nothing. Too depressed to talk to anyone in the group. I was only waiting till the hike was over. I wasn't even remotely tired, it was all just a chore. I was crying behind my sunglasses. No hope.

I don't belong here. I wish I were dead.

[Fuzzybear]

[Jenny R]

You are doing so much! I am in awe. I can relate to your experience on so many levels. I have a few thoughts. It may just take a while for the good feelings to kick in. Or maybe you are doing too much. Do you need quiet or down time? I need to be alone even when I am in a good place. Would you like to spend a few hours reading, getting a massage, taking a long bath or doing something that just feels good? Also, are you getting enough sleep?

Your brother may just be scared and wants the old you back ASAP. He may also just not get depression. Most people don't I'm afraid and they say things that are not at all helpful.

Hang in there and let us know how you feel tomorrow.

[TrappedAndDesperate]

Thanks Jenny R. Today I'm a bit better. I don't think I'm doing too much, as soon as I've time to think, I get worse. Being in a group of people also makes me feel bad, because I feel I can't connect with them, but just doing mindless things like handing out soup in the soup kitchen or learning CPR make me feel better. I've a whole programme lined up for every evening of the week, and while that costs a lot of money, it does help me.

Originally Posted by Jenny R

You are doing so much! I am in awe. I can relate to your experience on so many levels. I have a few thoughts. It may just take a while for the good feelings to kick in. Or maybe you are doing too much. Do you need quiet or down time? I need to be alone even when I am in a good place. Would you like to spend a few hours reading, getting a massage, taking a long bath or doing something that just feels good? Also, are you getting enough sleep?

Your brother may just be scared and wants the old you back ASAP. He may also just not get depression. Most people don't I'm afraid and they say things that are not at all helpful.

Hang in there and let us know how you feel tomorrow.

[TrappedAndDesperate]

And no, I don't get a lot of sleep. I'm pretty insomniac. I used to read and sleep a lot during the day in the weekend, but that made me so lonely and isolated that I'd rather keep busy outside. I don't know if I can keep up my level of activity (which does me good) once the days get shorter in autumn -- I'm worried about that.

Originally Posted by Jenny R

You are doing so much! I am in awe. I can relate to your experience on so many levels. I have a few thoughts. It may just take a while for the good feelings to kick in. Or maybe you are doing too much. Do you need quiet or down time? I need to be alone even when I am in a good place. Would you like to spend a few hours reading, getting a massage, taking a long bath or doing something that just feels good? Also, are you getting enough sleep?

Your brother may just be scared and wants the old you back ASAP. He may also just not get depression. Most people don't I'm afraid and they say things that are not at all helpful.

Hang in there and let us know how you feel tomorrow.

[Hopeofreedom]

Originally Posted by Jenny R

You are doing so much! I am in awe. I can relate to your experience on so many levels. I have a few thoughts. It may just take a while for the good feelings to kick in. Or maybe you are doing too much. Do you need quiet or down time? I need to be alone even when I am in a good place. Would you like to spend a few hours reading, getting a massage, taking a long bath or doing something that just feels good? Also, are you getting enough sleep?

Your brother may just be scared and wants the old you back ASAP. He may also just not get depression. Most people don't I'm afraid and they say things that are not at all helpful.

Hang in there and let us know how you feel tomorrow.

I'm with with Jenny. Your awesome💚👍😘. You do more on your bad than I do on my good day. Lol!

Your allot like the comedian Joan Rivers, she like to stay as busy as she could because her thoughts made her depressed. (Maybe not the best example! But your not alone!)

I also feel more depressed when I'm surrounded by a crowd. I read it has something to do with the feeling of unconnectedness .

The fact you feel that way means you have a deep soul. 💖 Which mean negativity and low emotions affect you more.

Are you close to your family?

P.s. I loved the way you described your coworker😍

[Yours_Truly]

I'm with Jenny & Hopeofreedom- I wish I did half as much as you on my good days.
Considering all the things you do, I wonder if it isn't time to talk with your pdoc about your meds. Maybe an increase or change would help.

[elevatedsoul]

you sound like an awesome person

you definitely are keeping yourself busy, i dont do that much in 10 years much less weekly or monthly

it is good to stay busy and try to utilize distractions... you seem really intelligent

but i do feel like i notice a couple patterns in your posting...
sort of black and white thinking.. all or nothing thinking... catastrophizing... and rumination seems to be really huge factor for you ..

on a positive note you do sound intelligent and you do sound motivated to try things to help you feel better, which is wonderful and shows how strong you are

i think that we can distract ourselves with as many activities as we can and keep our selves so busy that we even forget to blink .. but its not going to be as helpful if we ruminate over specific things constantly... its like trying to start a fire in the pouring rain, we have to build a sort of roof or something to keep the wood dry and maybe build a little pit to block some of the wind, which is akin to controlling the rumination and hopefully getting rid of it all together at some point...
rumination will keep us sliding back into the hole of depression over and over no matter what we do... and suicide is definitely not the answer because you are an awesome person and the world needs people like you who are motivated and courteous..

you said that the girl were: beautiful, adventurous, happy, loved, energetic, interesting, curious, capable, sociable, sporty, young, and brave,
and that you are:
and I'm her opposite in everything. I'm so inferior.

beauty is most definitely "in the eye of the beholder", there are most definitely people in the world that will find you most attractive for the qualities you have.. i read a study years ago that was studying to see what women were attracted to... and if i remember correctly the results showed that women weren't as concerned AS MUCH with outer looks as much as they were with inner qualities... i think most women want a dedicated person that they can rely on and trust, someone that clicks with their personality on the inside rather than being a foolish 'hotty' that is disrespectful .. but i am not very experienced with women either, i've been single for ever and have never really had someone i could truly connect with... but it doesnt mean that there is not one out there! it just means that im looking and waiting for the RIGHT one that i can connect with and spend the rest of days with, rather than a quickie ya know - and i've become ok with that.. its not so much fun but im sure it will be worth it since i dont want anymore emotional abuse from someone thats supposed to care for me

on a different note, to me you DO sound energetic, doing all of these activities..
you DO sound adventurous... climbing a mountain? you wouldn't catch me climbing a hill! im terrified of heights!
you DO sound capable, sporty, AND BRAVE!!
you DO seem very interesting to me, with all these various skills that you have, thats awesome

you definitely are not her opposite, but just maybe the world has another plan for you to meet someone, you are definitely not inferior... you are amazing

depression sucks and it is a terrible liar, it will tell us all kind of nasty things about ourselves and we will believe them... but we have to learn that these thoughts are lies and they are not true, its the depression trying to pull a veil over our eyes, to hide the light and truth from us.. to bring us down and ultimately take it all from us... but we mustn't let it win and we must prevail! to the victor goes the spoils, and we shall be victorious!
you can only lose by giving up, so dont give up and you will be a winner, conquering all of your dreams

read a little about rumination and see how it coincides with you, if thats what you have a problem with... check out the all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing, i fight with these same things myself and i know how challenging it is but with dedication and hard work we can change our thoughts, our perceptions, and we can make things better, but only through doing the work... medications can help us along the journey, but they are not the ultimate answer... the answer comes from within, and we have to unlock it so that we can see the truths and let ourselves be free, escaping depression...

i found 2 articles that may be of a little help if you would like to read them, i hope that you stay strong and stay in motion
Overcoming Depression and Ruminative Thinking - Depression Center - Everyday Health
https://www.psychologytoday.com/arti...ing-depression

we all want you be ok and happy

[TrappedAndDesperate]

Thanks so much, you're very kind. Yes it's exactly that, I can't stand being alone with my thoughts, which is why I try to keep so busy. I'm not sure I can keep it up in the long term, especially since I don't sleep well.

Hugs!



You do more on your bad than I do on my good day. Lol!

Your allot like the comedian Joan Rivers, she like to stay as busy as she could because her thoughts made her depressed. (Maybe not the best example! But your not alone!)

I also feel more depressed when I'm surrounded by a crowd. I read it has something to do with the feeling of unconnectedness .

The fact you feel that way means you have a deep soul. <span class="emoji-outer emoji-sizer"><span class="emoji-inner" style="background: url(chrome-extension://immhpnclomdloikkpcefncmfgjbkojmh/emoji-data/sheet_apple_64.png);background-position:50% 2.5%;background-size:4100%" title="sparkling_heart"></span></span> Which mean negativity and low emotions affect you more.

Are you close to your family?

P.s. I loved the way you described your coworker<span class="emoji-outer emoji-sizer"><span class="emoji-inner" style="background: url(chrome-extension://immhpnclomdloikkpcefncmfgjbkojmh/emoji-data/sheet_apple_64.png);background-position:65% 67.5%;background-size:4100%" title="heart_eyes"></span></span>[/QUOTE]

[TrappedAndDesperate]

Thanks so much, that made me feel good. You're kind. Yes I'm catastrophizing, I know. And ruminating, definitely. When I keep busy doing stupid things OR things that on the contrary require a lot of concentration, I feel ok. When I am mountain climbing or running, not so much, because then I have time to think and the cycle of negative thoughts starts and I can't get out of it. Perhaps I should drop the mountain climbing for a while till I'm happier. Hugs

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

you sound like an awesome person

you definitely are keeping yourself busy, i dont do that much in 10 years much less weekly or monthly

it is good to stay busy and try to utilize distractions... you seem really intelligent

but i do feel like i notice a couple patterns in your posting...
sort of black and white thinking.. all or nothing thinking... catastrophizing... and rumination seems to be really huge factor for you ..

on a positive note you do sound intelligent and you do sound motivated to try things to help you feel better, which is wonderful and shows how strong you are

i think that we can distract ourselves with as many activities as we can and keep our selves so busy that we even forget to blink .. but its not going to be as helpful if we ruminate over specific things constantly... its like trying to start a fire in the pouring rain, we have to build a sort of roof or something to keep the wood dry and maybe build a little pit to block some of the wind, which is akin to controlling the rumination and hopefully getting rid of it all together at some point...
rumination will keep us sliding back into the hole of depression over and over no matter what we do... and suicide is definitely not the answer because you are an awesome person and the world needs people like you who are motivated and courteous..

you said that the girl were: beautiful, adventurous, happy, loved, energetic, interesting, curious, capable, sociable, sporty, young, and brave,
and that you are:
and I'm her opposite in everything. I'm so inferior.

beauty is most definitely "in the eye of the beholder", there are most definitely people in the world that will find you most attractive for the qualities you have.. i read a study years ago that was studying to see what women were attracted to... and if i remember correctly the results showed that women weren't as concerned AS MUCH with outer looks as much as they were with inner qualities... i think most women want a dedicated person that they can rely on and trust, someone that clicks with their personality on the inside rather than being a foolish 'hotty' that is disrespectful .. but i am not very experienced with women either, i've been single for ever and have never really had someone i could truly connect with... but it doesnt mean that there is not one out there! it just means that im looking and waiting for the RIGHT one that i can connect with and spend the rest of days with, rather than a quickie ya know - and i've become ok with that.. its not so much fun but im sure it will be worth it since i dont want anymore emotional abuse from someone thats supposed to care for me

on a different note, to me you DO sound energetic, doing all of these activities..
you DO sound adventurous... climbing a mountain? you wouldn't catch me climbing a hill! im terrified of heights!
you DO sound capable, sporty, AND BRAVE!!
you DO seem very interesting to me, with all these various skills that you have, thats awesome

you definitely are not her opposite, but just maybe the world has another plan for you to meet someone, you are definitely not inferior... you are amazing

depression sucks and it is a terrible liar, it will tell us all kind of nasty things about ourselves and we will believe them... but we have to learn that these thoughts are lies and they are not true, its the depression trying to pull a veil over our eyes, to hide the light and truth from us.. to bring us down and ultimately take it all from us... but we mustn't let it win and we must prevail! to the victor goes the spoils, and we shall be victorious!
you can only lose by giving up, so dont give up and you will be a winner, conquering all of your dreams

read a little about rumination and see how it coincides with you, if thats what you have a problem with... check out the all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing, i fight with these same things myself and i know how challenging it is but with dedication and hard work we can change our thoughts, our perceptions, and we can make things better, but only through doing the work... medications can help us along the journey, but they are not the ultimate answer... the answer comes from within, and we have to unlock it so that we can see the truths and let ourselves be free, escaping depression...

i found 2 articles that may be of a little help if you would like to read them, i hope that you stay strong and stay in motion
Overcoming Depression and Ruminative Thinking - Depression Center - Everyday Health
https://www.psychologytoday.com/arti...ing-depression

we all want you be ok and happy