"I. Want. Out."

That's what I just found myself thinking and muttering to myself a few moments ago...

I guess I've been in denial about how awful it's gotten... all of it; my depression and anxiety (I'm pretty much agoraphobic and live in bed now), my life circumstances (terminally ill mother, asshole father (both alcoholics who argue when drunk), haven't been in school for two and a half years, no job or future prospects, single and extremely, persistently lonely, living in a house that is dirty falling apart, lack of a support system or family/people who care about me, I could go on)...

I just want out. Not out as in get a job and move out... my mental and physical health have atrophied so much I cannot reasonably expect that to happen any more. And let's say I do these things... yes, I'd be independent finally. But I'd be alone, and probably just as unhappy. I've always been alone and unhappy.



Please don't tell me it gets better or say comforting things that mean nothing to the bigger picture. do not suggest I call a hotline or get a therapist/meds. I don't particularly want help. I don't want to be told right now to just do this and that and then I will be better. I am tired of that. I just need to get this out somewhere. Nobody else is listening. Nobody else cares. Thank you.

I hear you. I often feel the same way. Just wanted to give you a hug.

Thank you, Yours_Truly and Fuzzybear.

Just want to add how increasingly frustrated I have been with myself about all of this as well. I feel like a failure. I am only 19 and yet it appears on all fronts that my life is ruined - obliterated, even. Blasted to smithereens. I don't know why I have kept going even this long. I feel like I have overstayed my welcome on this rock.

Each day I tell myself, "This is it. This is the only day you get to lay around moping and feeling bad for yourself. Tomorrow you will pull yourself out of this funk and get $h*t done". But we all know depression doesn't work like that, and mine is no exception.

I hear what you're saying and am going through a similar scenario myself. It really kinda sucks.

It does...

No darling, it certainly does NOT go "like that" in depression. You can't just shake yourself out of it, or force yourself to think the mm row will be better, If it were that easy wouldn't we all do it?
Sometimes I find I'm like a vinyl record, just playing the same tune over and over again, to no avail. It's a lot to ask of people to stick by us.

You are really NOT alone, even though in the phyical sense you are. PC is a great help and comfort. You are soooo Young to be going through such awful depression. And no, I won't mention help lines as I've 'phoned them many times and nothing changes.

Try and stick with PC if nothing else, there are good and caring people here who DEFO understand. Xxxxxx

Thank you, waggiedog. I find your response really helpful and kind.

I'm sorry if I don't make a lot of sense after this. It's nearing 11 PM here. I've had a long and disappointing afternoon and evening since I last posted here, and now it's looking to be a long and lonely night, without even much promise of respite from sleep, as I probably won't be able to.

It's funny that I would write a post today of all days about wanting "out", because a short few hours ago my parents were drunk arguing, and my dad said much the same thing, that he wants to just leave my disabled mom and I, cut off our cable and electric and just go. I know we are only a couple of sick losers and disappointments to him, but why say that. Then again I almost wish he would. Not only would we be free of him, but

You are right, waggiedog, when you say I am young to be this depressed. I don't get it. How can so many bad things happen in such a short time to someone who has not even lived two full decades? Well, actually, I'll be 20 this November. But I feel like 20 going on 200! I just feel like hell, downtrodden and like giving up. I don't have that "light in the darkness" other people seem to have that keeps them going, either... I feel it's miraculous that I'm even still going at all. I don't know HOW I'm still running... probably just on exhaust fumes at this point. Well, it's only fitting I am starting to run out and slow down.

"It's a lot to ask of people to stick by us". - Could be the reason that the only time people "hear" what I'm "saying" is through a screen and keyboard. I know I'm not entirely alone in that sense. But there are times I desperately need someone to be physically here... and there is never anyone...

I guess I'm extra bitter today, because it was such a $h*tty day anyway, with my mom vomiting after waking up past noon and nothing in the house getting done because she is too sick and I'm too depressed. Then my parents fought, and my asshole dad said all that I mentioned above - and THEN, to ice the ten-tiered $h*t cake, a guy I've been talking to for only a few days, didn't want to talk with me tonight because HE'S having a bad day. I feel like I am the one always listening to others problems and but am never heard. I just wanted to chat light-heartedly, not complain. It's the only thing that really could have redeemed this $h*tty day, and now, night.

So yes, I will stick with PC, waggiedog. At least you and lovely others here acknowledge my pain.
Thank you for replying to me and acknowledging my "no hotlines" request as well.

And to anyone who reads this thing all the way through, WOW... Thank you... You are a lot more patient than I am!

I can hear you.

Despite your requests, I have a right to be heard, and post too...until I am put on your ignore list. I will not give huggy emoticons because...what good are they, really? (sorry, but I feel like doing away with myself and I am in a foul mood because of it)

Is there family you can move in with? Because you need to get the f u c k out of there...

Do you have a doctor? Get one.

You are not responsible for your parents or how they live. Nor do you have to suffer because you think you get to.

None of us should.

^^^I agree with the comments on here! Also if you need to vent or talk to some professionals who can give you some resources !

http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/
It's a texting hotline 😘.

TEXT “GO” TO 741741

Its helpful because you can use it wherever whenever and it's confidential and discreet💜

Hang in there! I want you to know your NOT alone ok! 💖💖😘

True.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you have the wherewithal to record your feelings here (or anywhere). I believe there's value in writing and the record.

Aw, thank you. :3 I really appreciate it.

The thing with me and helplines is... I don't exactly trust them. I've never used one myself, but I've read so many stories of others using them and then, suddenly, the cops are at their door! Because the people were honest about their suicidal feelings, and the ones on the other end overreacted. I'm downright terrified of the same thing happening to me, especially since I have a fear of cops. And with the way things are going in the "mental health world", where things are becoming way more safety-focused (if they say they're suicidal, lock them up) rather than hearing a person out, I just don't feel safe sharing my REAL feelings with one of these helplines... At least here on PC I can be honest about such things.

And I have also read many stories of people using helplines and getting listeners who are downright rude and unhelpful. When I'm in a deep depression I can be very sensitive and vulnerable... rudeness from others at a time like that can leave me feeling even worse. And when I am already that depressed, I really can't afford to feel worse.

Maybe these sound like excuses, but I don't see much of a difference between talking to strangers on helplines, and talking here... except that I trust the lovely people here.

Thank you for your response!

Thanks, Rohag. I've always loved writing creatively, but writing down my feelings also really helps... It's good not to keep it inside.

In any case, I do feel a lot better today than I did yesterday. I actually had a shower and brushed my teeth. It's funny but for me it seems that the day after a really bad day is usually a decent one. I am not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not in as much pain. It is a much needed respite, however brief it may turn out to be.

I can almost feel your pain ennui because you express yourself so vividly. You definitely have a talent for writing. Just keep writing. It can be therapeutic.