[Humpty Dumpty]

I have some "good" days & some bad days. The "good" days are getting to be fewer and farther between. My bad days are seeming to get worse. I am having a hard time holding on. I just want to give up. Then I think about how that will make my wife feel & that only makes me feel worse. I just can't take it anymore. I am tired of fighting this.
When I was a kid & a teen my depression would only last a week at most & then I would be good for a few months. Now I'm lucky if I get 3 "good" days in a month. Maybe I am getting what I deserve.

[Angelique67]

Why would you deserve such a terrible thing? I know it doesn't feel like it now, but everything changes and mostly just goes to and from good or bad times. It's just the way life on earth is. : heart:

[Sula B]

You're not alone Humpty.

But 3 good days a month are good days - these are the moments I exist for.

Dear Humpty Dumpty,
Hope today is better than yesterday was!
Though I'm not depressed lately there are anxiety/panic attacks/emotional flooding/flashbacks to my attempt. I've been trying to identify the triggers and notice that guilt over what I did to my husband is definitely one of them. If I am open about my panic attacks, etc. he gets upset because he worries about me. But that makes me hide my symptoms which I think makes it worse.
So I can relate to your statement, "Then I think about how that will make my wife feel & that only makes me feel worse." I wonder if it's automatic guilt response that is making our condition worse?
Myst

[Crazylion]

Now, chin up!!! You must realize that it is not such a difficult task to survive in this world -- it can seen impossible at times but remember that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, expect perhaps getting your name off of a calling list.

Are you a young guy, in your 20s, or even early to mid 30s? or have you live half a live already and life has finally really gotten to you. If you're older, I can understand because it is easier to justify and know what the world can do to a person that will push them into the darkness.

But if you're a young one, you must't let the darkness get you. You should try with everything you have to go on. You may not know how much can happen and change in just one hour.

I too, at age 52, with much personal abuse, trauma, mental challenges and recent parent deaths and estrangeent from family members -- poor health suddenly, etc. and my marriage is my prison with a husband that has been in his own turmoil and putting it on me. This past year, and still now, I pray for death. I'm too chicken **** and have people in my life that I mean more to me than my constant misery. I ache inside and am lonely beyond belief. I fight and hope it will be over soon. With my luck I'll live to be 90 like my mother and then I will become a *****y old lady who has awesome white hair and bright red lipstick.

And I'll probably end up in a "home" hopefully, where I can bed the capable male fellow residents that will still be alive and and maintain my image of being awesome!! (I have a very wierd sense of humor but i'm trying to make you chuckle or stop and wonder what I'm saying, which will take you out of your head for a moment)

Music is one of my most important things to me. I listen to it practically non-stop. I have Google music and I have playlists I add to and create on a regular basis depending on how I feel or want to feel. Music is like medicine to me. I have my headphones in and music on everywhere I go, even around the block, so it is like a soundtrack is playing in my life and it make my world better in every way.

I try to do at least one, maybe two things everyday that scares me.

I can go on and on, but I make it rule to try and keep my pep talks to less than 10,000 words these day, so in conclusion Ii leave you with these words:

"There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.”
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

Stay strong....Courage!!

[winter4me]

((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))....hard to know you will have a good day, and doesn't it feel soooooooooooooooooooooo good? this pattern is not forever...

[Fuzzybear]

[Crazylion]

Try listening to "Air on a G String" by Johan Sebastian Bach.

It's classical, slow and healing. I sit on my back patio with some coffee, like now -- and just stare and let it go into my heart and mind. It calms me down to the point of serenity.

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

[Logan200000]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I have some "good" days & some bad days. The "good" days are getting to be fewer and farther between. My bad days are seeming to get worse. I am having a hard time holding on. I just want to give up. Then I think about how that will make my wife feel & that only makes me feel worse. I just can't take it anymore. I am tired of fighting this.
When I was a kid & a teen my depression would only last a week at most & then I would be good for a few months. Now I'm lucky if I get 3 "good" days in a month. Maybe I am getting what I deserve.

You aren't getting what you "deserve." You don't deserve to be depressed. Depression distorts our thinking, makes us think we deserve something bad when we don't. You deserve love and support and patience. Sending hugs.