I really love my husband. But I really related to the phrase "marriage is my prison" in Crazylion's post.
When I made my attempt, most of my emotions were quite numbed but I do remember and told my therapist during my first appointment last year that I was feeling anger toward my spouse when I did it. Now I feel a lot of guilt about putting him in a position where he found me. On this forum and when I see my therapist, I rarely talk about the dynamics between my spouse and I. I don't like being critical of others and my spouse has given me so much! We've been married 29 years! There are a lot of happy memories, especially during the beginning. But there are things about how we relate to each other that contributed to my depression. Also, my mental health issues have affected how he treats me. He can be very protective and sometimes helps me compensate for my "issues".
So, I know I need to discuss some "stuff" with my therapist for the sake of my sanity. Have only been going every other month since April but when I go this week, I plan on trying to talk more about it. I've been afraid to talk about it. I only talk about my issues. After all, it is not good (or possible) to want to change or to not be accepting of people as they are. I am a true believer of first and foremost, we have to fix what's wrong within ourselves. And I have many weaknesses. But I have also been identifying things that trigger my anxiety/panic attacks/etc. and sometimes certain conversations with him seem to trigger very intense physical responses that seem to have a life of their own.
So are there any other people who struggle with these issues? --Myst

Of course, perhaps all this ranting is just paranoia. I've recovered a lot from where I was last year by learning to trust and by allowing others to help me. I am also seeing my psychiatrist this week. Perhaps I just need to adjust my medication. I have been having to do a lot of meditation and distraction to tame my racing thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar but also fear that worrying about my mental health is what makes me feel so crazy!

[gayleggg]

Living with someone for 29 years is hard work. It's not surprising that they get on our nerves. You have nothing to be ashamed of and therapy gives you a good outlet to express your feeling towards your spouse. My first marriage only lasted 24 years. Maybe if I had talked more I would still be married to him but I didn't. I bottled everything up and played the part of a happy person in a wonderful marriage. That was a joke. I still regret not trying harder.

[Fuzzybear]

Fuzzybear -- thanks for your unending hugs and encouragement!

Thanks for your kind words. Regrets are tough. I have a few of my own. I know you shared yours in order to help me put my feelings in perspective. It is hard to know for sure if more talking would have made the difference. We always look at things with a different perspective when they are behind us and I think people who get depressed have a greater tendency to blame themselves. So sorry about your marriage. I think almost everyone knows a close family member who has gone through divorce. It looks tough and changes them a little bit. In the specific instances regarding family members I know who went through it, they seem to struggle with trust issues regarding the aftermath. I hope you are able to move on from it. And perhaps you played the part of the happy person because that was his expectation. Women have a way of sensing these things intuitively even if it is hard to express with words.

[KarenSue]

Hi Mysterious, good topic!

Dynamics with spouses. All quite unique, yet many similarities across the board, I would assume.

I also worry about the dynamics in my one-on-one conversations with my spouse at times. We've been married over 40 yrs, but my depression hit it's debilitating state with me 2 yrs ago.

Hasn't been easy on him, as I spoiled him rotten when it came to things like refilling his glass of tea before he'd ask, or go refill it himself. That sort of spoiling...now I don't have the energy to care, and he has taken up quite a bit a slack in things like cleaning house, doing laundry, and pitching in where he can so I have more time for me. I don't feel guilty for that, as I've taken up slack for him also at times. One of the best parts of having a long term partner that loves you and you love back, is having one or the other fill in where the other could not at the time.

But....I've noticed through the med changes and new outside triggers I've experienced recently, it feels harder to explain what is happening to me. And herein lies my problem. How can I possibly help him understand something I don't understand myself yet?

This is just my observation only, but it seems that most men process information on the terms of how is it going to affect them, not anyone else, at first listen. Maybe that is their natural reaction? Then comes the process of how it will affect you 2nd in his thinking process. It is the time between his first self-centered sort of reaction and the time it takes for him to process it b4 he can help me. I logically get that, but sometimes logic is fleeting for us with an MI. (Heck, logic can be fleeting for non-MI couples also.)

I try my best to gather my wits about me when he says something that I take one way, when he means another, or he is just making a quick comment that doesn't quite fit what I need (want?) to hear. I will retreat, leaving him scratching his head. But he's okay with that too. Whatever is best for me. He's a grown up and can find all sorts of activity around the house and with the horses, or watching TV. So that works in our favor also, him having other interests. (I must say that I appreciate that his other interests only take him outside, not away from home.)

Most important is that I have found our humor, which has always been a great portion of our relationship, is what we call upon to get us past the situation. If I can poke fun at myself for not being the best at using the proper wording to describe my current feelings in a way he can understand it, we can have a good laugh about it (trying not to take it all so serious). That technique has carried us beyond such minor incidents of misunderstanding each other about all sorts of things over the years.

I save the hard stuff (like PTSD reactions to some of his words) for the doctor, since I have a psychiatrist now. What I have bottled up is coming out in sessions with a professional now. Some things where my reaction would be less than relationship conducive, I've just kept inside for a long time. Nothing big really, just emotions I could not share comfortably with my spouse at the time. After all, he is not a psych professional. One thing that helped along the way, is I wrote what was on my mind down over the last 2 yrs, so I have to just print out excerpts for the psych sessions when it is bothering me. I do believe just the fact of me writing down the emotions in the moment and keeping it to myself has been a great help along the way, regardless of no professional help at the time. I found it rather therapeutic to write things down, now it has become something I can refer to for notes during sessions.

I guess my bottom line is, try to laugh about what you can with each other. That helps us solidify our base, always has. And a good foundation has kept the relationship strong.

And I do understand how saying something less than flattering about your spouse to another runs against your grain, which is admirable and best to practice irl, yet you should consider dropping that instinct at the door of your doctor's office.

I hope something I shared here will be of help to you, Mysterious. Best wishes.

KarenSue,
Really helpful response. I had already been thinking overnight about the posting and realized that I have sort of an overanxious response to some of the the things my husband says. I also "spoil" my spouse and he spoils me too. However, he is very direct while I tend to be non-confrontational. We met while both serving on active duty. We were both military officers but I was not the typical highly disciplined type. He was from a military family and grew up on bases. Works in a STEM field, being detailed is second nature to him. We do kid about it. I confuse him and when his nature is to demand an immediate, precise, clarification to what I have just said, sometimes I can laugh about it but when I began "losing it" (MI), my thinking became very distorted (Is he manipulating me?). He really isn't that sort of person.

[Unrigged64072835]

I haven't been married that long (this is my third marriage and we've been married 5 years). My husband has been very supportive of me and has spoiled me a bit. I'm concerned that he may be enabling me because of my MI. He has MS and things can change on a dime, so I don't want to be too spoiled.