Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Yesterday's therapy session went well.

Feeling pretty okay today.

A very busy day. Did my usual Saturday stuff and my friend came over. It was an alright time. He started to take public transportation at an earlier time than I expected. I could have made things easier for him if he had notified me earlier on what he intended to do. Normally he would come around late morning, which was more ideal for me.

He and I had some serious discussions about things. It went well but it could have been better. More about this on another thread I posted called Criticizing & Correcting.

My exam is getting close and the anxiety is climbing. A little more than a month and I have all these information to read and review and do my best at memorizing. So little time! Negative thoughts about the future are settling in. I am not sure if I can have a relatively good grade... And if I don't my future choices will be limited. Ahhrr. I want to do more than studying, playing this game in brake time and petting the neighbors cat. I don't know if I want more time to study or this to get to the end so I can do something else more pleasurable.

I'm exhausted my dad called me a disappointment my moms only nice to me when she's drunk my step sister always makes me feel bad about myself and my step dad is always disappointed but I'm in love with a guy who already left me once

Look up mate!

I went to the fair yesterday with my daughter, son-in-law and husband. I was expecting more enjoyment but had underlying depression all day. And today I'm back to being depressed. I don't know why it couldn't lift for one day at least. Being depressed just sucks all the joy and energy out of life.

Sadder than sad.

Today was a very busy day. Went to church. It's alright but I still feel unsure about it. My sister called me; and it was the first time in a while that I heard from her. We had a very good talk. And then I called my friend who lives far from me. I had not spoken to him on the phone in a while. We don't call each other often, but we do email a lot. I just went on a one hour bike ride. It seemed like that's all the time I had.

That resonates.

I feel awful in every way. I shouldn't complain, shouldn't say anything, shouldn't even think about it, but it's all I can think about it. I've already cried at my desk multiple times and everything.

But I wanted to post this in hopes it brightens someone's day just a little, for a moment:

This is day 1 of my vacation for this week. I plan to do a little bit of shopping. Right now I'm doing the laundry. I have speakers and a sub-woofer (small ones) that's not working so I'll have buy another one. I've had them for a while.

I just got a call from the dentist reminding me that I have an appointment this coming Saturday. I forgot all about that. That ruined this day a little bit.

I wish I can sleep for more than 9 hours more often. In fact, make it 12 or more since I don't feel like doing anything anyway.

Geez, I feel down today. It just won't go away. I don't know if it's because I absorbed my daughter's disappointment on her birthday, or I'm feeling my own, or I'm remembering things, but I feel real down. I didn't get to run today , and only did a single sun salutation in the morning . I had a horrible diet today : potatoes, and a smoothie bowl my daughter made me for breakfast and it went downhill from there. I hate feeling this way. I do have a mood disorder so I guess this is to be expected.

Disgusted by the actions of so-called professionals. It's disheartening to realize how unethical and immoral people can be.

Feel sad and frustrated ATM.

Overwhelmed tired lonely sad stressed angry lost confused worried etc etc

Up past my bedtime and went over my calories today so, meh

I'm beginning to hate people more and more, even my own family sometimes. Nobody wants anything at all to do with me anymore, unless it's to get something out of me one moment and drop me the next, or berate me for something I supposedly did wrong or didn't do quite to somebody's liking. Any other times I'm just a ghost to be ignored. My presence/absence does not matter, I could be here or I could not and no one would be affected either way.

This most recent angry sentiment is brought on by my mom yelling at me twice this night alone, and both times for equally stupid reasons. One, because I used the bathroom and got some cheese. OH no, I dared venture out of my room for 2 minutes, guess I should stay there from now on and not even go out to piss. Second time was because she was yelling at me to let the cat in my room, but I didn't hear her at first because I was listening to music. That pissed her off and she made sure to let me know it, too.

Not to mention it is almost 70 degrees outside and for whatever ungodly reason, she has the heat on. I already had to change clothes once and shut my vent. To think I was looking forward to fall because I thought it would mean not having to burn up in my room day in and day out.

It's also half past 3 in the morning now, and she is still awake. I just want her to go to bed already. I'm waiting on her to go so I can have some time for myself, but that may not be happening if she stays up much longer. Dad gets up at 5.
I have a headache that won't really go away...

I cant stand most people for the most part either and its very much for the same reasons.

feeling calm and reasonably good.

still, what's the point of feeling calm and reasonably good if all you're going to end up doing is **** all

so not calm and not reasonably good?

I don't know.

fed up of life I guess.

I was off my meds for a little less than a week.

That would explain the tantrums, the racing thoughts, the anxiety, and the hysterical crying over minor things. Possibly the headaches and carsickness too.

Took 30mg this morning and I feel calmer than I have in days. Still worked up, but so much better.

I was pretty busy yesterday. I took a drive 100 miles away to see a Financial Advisor. Had some anxiety while driving. It was the first fairly long trip I have taken in a while. Our meeting went OK.

The vacation is about halfway over now. It went by so fast so far. I plan on visiting my friend later on. We may have lunch. I had not told me friend that I'm on vacation. I just told him that I have just today day off. Other times when I had a week off at home he would want all kinds of things done. I don't feel like it this time.

After that I'm going to see a doctor for consultation about medication. Nothing planned for tomorrow and Friday. I see the dentist at 7AM on Saturday.