Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

“What happened when you woke up?"
"I was having a dream. I don’t know what it was, but when I woke up, I had this awful realization that I was awake. It hit me like a brick in the groin."
"Like a brick in the groin, I see."
"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."
"And what is that nightmare, Craig?"
"Life."
"Life is a nightmare."
"Yes.”
-- Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

Oh, man. You just reminded me I've been meaning to read this book for ages now.

Recently, I dreamed I was going to be executed. I don't know why.

eyes burn like i've not slept in days, skin feel like it's on fire, no temp over the normal and i still managed to get dishes done. had to take part of one of my collections and sell it to get pull up for my son. depressed me more then it should for just being material possession.

"Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter what you say to me. Because at that moment I don't exist." -- Unknown

I have no energy today.

litirally none

after the events of yesterday... ugg. taken a lot out of me

I feel much the same way, shattered.

Uggghghg. This day is not shaping out to be a good one. Mom doesn't feel like making dinner, so unless she makes my birthday salsa a day early my food choices for the day are pretty much frozen Totinos pizzas and granola bars. On top of that she just found out that X-Out charged her card AGAIN despite the fact that we have CANCELED it as of last month, and now she only has fourteen dollars. Guess it's good I ordered my bday presents when I did, or I could have had to say goodbye to that too. Let's see, what else is there to ***** about, oh yeah, how about Daylight Savings Time. Sunset at 5:36PM. The asinine election drama. Yeah, tomorrow better be nothing like today, because it is my 20th birthday and if I have to start my second decade of life on a sour note nghghghgh

I'm starting to think that "it gets better" is just propaganda.

It was a very busy day for me yesterday. I didn't post on here yesterday. My friend and I had a very good talk over the phone. I felt like I had to air out how I was feeling. He listened pretty well, but I don't know if I made any impact. Except that I could have made him feel more uncomfortable.

Today I went to another church. I didn't go last Sunday because I decided to get my car serviced. The church wasn't very stellar, I thought. I don't know what to do about this. Should I give it another chance next week or should I try somewhere else? This church hunting business is really getting exhausting for me!

Right now I'm doing the laundry. I can't believe how hot it is outside being November.

I wish the weekend was longer. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow.

I wish it didn't take me so long to get up to speed every day. Each morning I wake up tired, have a little breakfast and go back to bed. Morning lethargy is dragging me down.

I am 100% with you on that one! :P

“Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It's just too much for them.” -- Phoebe Stone, The Boy on Cinnamon Street

That's for damn sure.

I'm tired as hell today and kind of jittery. My mom's in the hospital with lithium toxicity and I spent most of last night basically being her health advocate. I'm kind of all over the place emotionally, including guilt for feeling what I do at all.

Nothing to make one feel like a little kid masquerading as a grown-up like signing consent forms in your semi-conscious mother's stead. It's cringey when people comment how "mature" or "stoic" (LOL!) I am about the whole thing. If you saw the inside of my mind you wouldn't say that.

I called the hospital this morning and she's going in for dialysis again - seems to be stable though.

Finally home from work and errands. Didn't sleep much so I've been dragging along all day, very grateful to be home now. x.x

No momentum in the morning. Takes so, so long to get my internal engine to turn over and warm up.

it is not a good day

it is not even tolerable

Just remembered how frustrating my childhood was. No identity or personality I could call my own, I was an extrovert with almost no social skills whatsoever (which was a horrible and embarrassing combination), I was (mostly) the good child and just followed directions, possibly had the blunted affect which explains things such as why I didn't have a real laugh until much later, I sucked at verbalizing and describing things, and everything was centered around what I was doing rather than what I was on the inside and how I could have shaped myself into what felt like an actual person. My devotion to be a good kid was a waste of time, and people kept neglecting to teach me things such as the many different types of clothing styles and music genres. Everything about this feels frustrating and sad because some of these things seemed so simple to learn! I just...I really hate who I used to be. I was always a fake: an imitator. Some of the emotions I claimed I felt weren't even what I felt wholeheartedly, there was always some sort of emptiness to them (for example, I used to cry a lot, but most of the time, I never actually meant to). Oh well, at least I finally figured things out about myself. I actually have my own personality and identity as of 3 years ago which is something I can 100% say I'm comfortable with unlike what I was imitating. I still wish I can forget this part of my childhood, but I doubt that can happen since the memories keep coming back.

A big hug for you, sophiesmom

i don't feel very good at all... my friend is staying the night but it's different this time... all she's doing is listening to music and talking with her fiance on the phone. i feel ignored. but hey what the hell else can i expect i am easy to ignore. im lonely and i want to die. and is it too much to want a romantic relationship?? too bad nobody wants that with me.

It was a pretty good day for me. I didn't feel much depression throughout the whole day, except when I first got up. But it was nice getting up for work in the sun now. It was dark getting up for about three weeks before.

if loneliness were like cancer i'd be dead already.

i can dream.

My head is a very dark place.

I've been having the mist disturbing dreams anymore. They fade pretty fast when I wake, but they always leave me upset and hurting.