Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

not feeling too bad, I suppose.

well I don't feel suicidal, but I certainly don't feel motivated to do much

My depression seems infinite. It will not stop me from working to live a values-based life.

I like the positive attitude

not okay not okay

Sure. I asked him about it. He just said that it just takes too long with the trolley and busses. He's not able to drive because of his vision. The trolley station is near where he lives and he doesn't have to take a connecting bus (which that part I would think is the worst) to get to my place because I can pick him up at the trolley station near me.

In a lot of ways, I don't blame him for feeling that way because he's old, though he can still travel, and has taken public transportation to see other people. I thought that he was OK with taking public transportation. His health just didn't deteriorate all of a sudden. He just decided that he doesn't want to do that anymore.

I'm not crazy about going to his place myself, but I do it anyways. I just think that it's nicer when he comes to see me because we have more privacy to talk. Plus it's nice for me not having to drive out, but I still have to drive out a little bit to pick him up.

There was a time when he was able to drive and he did come to my place. That was great, but even then he had a problem with it. The parking on my street is bad, but I could park my car on the street so that he can park in my space. But he had a motor home and it was too big for my space.

I hate that lump in your throat on the verge of tears feeling!!!!!

Why does that happen!!?? Out of nowhere, no triggering thoughts at the time!

Its pretty much daily, sometimes a few times a day

Arent all these meds supposed to help with this kind of stuff?!

Just so frustrating.

"I was not strong enough to stop breathing. I knew then that I could never kill this vine of depression, and so all I wanted was for it to let me die. But it had taken from me the energy I would have needed to kill myself, and it would not kill me. If my trunk was rotting, this thing that fed on it was now too strong to let it fall; it had become an alternative support to what it had destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seemed to be able to see, I prayed to a God I had never entirely believed in, and I asked for deliverance. I would have been happy to die the most painful death, though I was too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide. Every second of being alive hurt me. Because this thing had drained all fluid from me, I could not even cry. My mouth was parched as well. I had thought that when you feel your worst your tears flood, but the very worst pain is the arid pain of total violation that comes after the tears are all used up, the pain that stops up every space through which you once metered the world, or the world, you. This is the presence of major depression." -- Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon

Pretty slow day at work today. It made the time go slow and gave me time to think about myself, which is not a good idea. An OK day for me emotionally. I had a bad dream early in the morning briefly, like around 3:30 AM and it made it hard to get back to sleep. I had a dream that I was seeing someone attempting to kill himself. I never had a dream like that before. I wasn't feeling that way myself.

Just feeling really exhausted and negative towards myself.... like I will never cease to be 10 steps behind "living" everyday I am just existing/treading water/going through the well trained motions as a underwhelming human and an all too often over attentive/anxious mother...

Mindfulness meditation to calm me and help me through the day.

feeling calm but depressed

not really any reason for the depression. it's just.... their

Doing well today. Already up and out for breakfast. Happy.

I'm depressed this morning. Worse than usual because my little dog had an episode last night that may have been a stroke. He's about 13 and also suffers with congestive heart failure. I'm so worried about him.

I can't help but wonder if I was ever meant to be here in the first place. Was watching a news story this morning about the first baby born with the DNA of 3 different people, and it started me thinking about "natural" vs. "unnatural" births (not trying to start any kind of debate/argument, sorry if I offend). The only real "natural" birth is regular birth, right? Would that make mine, as a cesarean, be "unnatural"? My mom had 2-3 miscarriages before me, maybe I should've been another one?

good morning,

not so good afternoon/ evening

everything silent, switched off, no sound (or very little)

that's when you know you're depressed

I'm not sure why I even bother going on. There is so much work to get where I want, and then there is so much work after that. Always more and more and more work. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep for the next month or two.

Saw my older brother today in person for the first time in 5 years or more. It's good to know he's alive.

You know when you can just feel something bad brewing? That's how my last couple of days have been. I've been wanting to hide in bed all day which is never a good sign. Forced myself to go to work today and I wish I hadn't bothered. Got to be up in 5 hours to do it all again. Can't sleep. And now I'm annoyed which is making it worse. My dad just always seem to know the worst things to say....

emotionally bad start to the day, but getting slightly better

I have my EA now. all is right with the world. (for the moment)

The sandman was not kind.

It looks like my brother will be staying here in the state for good. Right now he's living at his grandma's house (not mine - we're from different fathers and he's ten years older than me), at least until he gets a job here and gets back on his feet. I'm really glad for him, he seems excited to be back. I'm excited too! He's been at our house for around 8 hours now, and will probably stay the night.

However, as much as I'm glad he's here, I've noticed I often get left out of conversations and just end up sitting to the side, ignored. It was like that also when my older sister visited from out of state a little over two years ago. I'm just a different person now than I was last he saw me, and I feel self-conscious around him. He's been homeless, worked his *** off, and what have I done? I've been out of school for two and a half years. I've let my parents pay my way and not done anything because my depression has beaten the **** out of me. But my brother has had it so much worse, why should I be depressed? I feel like he must see me as ugly and stupid. I am never even given a chance to talk - there is no room between his and my mom's talking for me to say anything, and it's always been like this for me, with everyone. Because if I even did have anything good to say, it wouldn't matter.

At this very moment they are all out there talking and drinking and laughing without me. I am not missed.

I feel... nothing

The weekend is here now, except this time I will be having a week off from work. It's my first week off since April. I will not be going anywhere. I don't have much lined up to do for excitement. Some of the people at my job say that they will miss me while I'm gone. It's amazing how the people are so nice at work, but just the opposite at where I live.

Nothing much to report about. As of now (it's not definite) my friend said that he might come to visit me. I hope so because I feel like I would like to "iron" some things out to him about how I am feeling.

I hope your week off will be good, Will19.

I got to my opthalmologist appointment with my friend's help. The taxi fare was almost $60 for the round trip. I'm so stupid - I told them I'd get my new glasses and contacts through them, when there might be cheaper places closer than the office in that town.

The glasses are going to be around $200 or something and about the same for the contact lenses.

They are leaving the cataracts until they get a lot worse because they said the surgery could pull on my fragile retinas.

I feel like I accomplished nothing. I have to go back there. I don't know how it will work out. I'm so upset.

And my friend had a bad two days and he gets very upset and repeatedly says he will kill himself. That makes me crazy with fear and worry.

I feel so down and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to be here on Halloween because I'm afraid they'll pull some crap on me. When we were on the hallway side of the door, there's like a big white paint mark next to the door knob. Done by that pos janitor. I really want to move away from them.

If my T was true to me, the last few years would not have been hell.