[ashtrash]

This is my first post. I have suffered from depression for perhaps 12 years and I regularly check in with my doctor. I have a decent job, live alone and have zero support system. My parents live "seven seas away". I am about 35 years old.

I have struggled with this question for a long time: Why go on living? The only answer I can come up with is that I cannot imagine having my mom go through the death of her younger son. She is a very gentle and kind soul (maybe every mother is), and her two sons (me and my brother) have caused her a lot of grief. She has wanted us to get married and we have been unable to do that because we have just not been able to for one reason or another. She lives in a very different culture and sees all her friends' and brothers' and sisters' kids getting married and is completely in an internal panic about her two sons who are getting somewhat advanced in age.

I can say that it is her problem she needs to deal with it, but I really don't feel like that. I can argue with her that I do not think marriage with change anything in her life, but perhaps I do not understand her situation. She has never asked me for much and has been supportive of me and I want her to be happy.

All of that to say, I have failed her and made her miserable. I have failed myself, for I am miserable. What do I do? I feel like being between a rock and a hard place. If I die, I make her miserable. If I live, I make her miserable.

I work in the tech-industry and do well at work but I have no real interests. As time goes on, I keep feeling like I am getting stupider (or people around me are getting smarter) and slowly I am losing my niche at work (though my coworkers likely do not notice it yet). I feel done. I do not know what to do? I have gone through enough counseling and doctor appointments and they are good people, but they cannot really help if I am at the end of my line.

See a counselor for yourself, and work out the issues there. You have to weigh out everything and by talking it out you will see what you really feel and want. tc (((hugs)))

[elevatedsoul]

pondering the meaning of life is something i do quite often...
the reason for life, why are we here?
curiosity keeps me going a great deal of the time...
i have many unanswered questions ... many experiences i desire...

i wish i knew the answer, but the way i look at it ... just because i don't know, doesn't mean that i should give up and stop searching... ya know?
this is part of why i keep fighting...

life is a harsh experience, life developed on this planet in crazy crazy harsh conditions... but it developed still, some how... if you are religious i dont mean to offend anyone so i won't say too much on the subject...

i just feel like if this miraculous thing we call life can exist... then i shouldn't end it prematurely... there are many people i could touch throughout life and many people i have touched...
i live for the little things... the moments are what matter to me...
prematurely ending this would hurt people and i can't stand hurting anyone...
and if i did ever decide to do that then i would be taking that chance that maybe the next day i would have a life changing experience, or a major breakthrough... know what i mean?

depression sucks... but its not who we are... its just something that we have to fight...
its an affliction... and it will try to end us like a computer virus... but i won't let it win, i lose battles but the war is not over...

its really hard... and im really sorry that you have to go through it...
but i can say from my experience... living like this has given me a greater appreciation for life... i care for people so much more... i dunno why, its weird i know... but it just makes me feel like that... i just want everyone to be happy...

i know i cant change your outlook... but i hope that i can inspire you to see just a little differently... i know how depression can blind us from these things...

your mother is concerned about you getting married and i understand that, i think every mother wants their child to get married and have a family and grand kids and all...
but sometimes it takes time for you to find the one, the right one... and i think waiting for the right one is a good thing to do... i have not had any real relationships so i cant offer any experience or advice... i fell in love but it was a long distance relationship that couldn't work and i should of known but i was naive...

why do you feel like you have failed...? failure implies the end you know... and its not the end till the fat lady sings as they say... we lose battles, we cant win all the fights... but we can keep fighting to win the war...
you have not failed anyone
you are just struggling and alot of us know how that is...
especially with depression - going through life and not achieving things the sameway as others.. makes us feel inadequate .. but thats not the truth, we just havent been in the right place at the right time yet so to speak..?

my answer to why we should keep going is because to me failure is not an option... and i know i havent failed until the end... life is special it just happens that some of us see the world differently...

im sorry for my ranting, my mind has been going haywire today...
i hope that you are able to find a little relief soon... hope that you will stick around and keep talking with us, hope that i have shined a little light on you... we're in this together


sorry for the ramblings again...

[ashtrash]

@omegalamed: Thank you for your note. I have seen many counselor's over the last 10 years, and have not found them to be effective at all for me. It is probably something that is my fault though I am not sure what. I find it a complete waste of time to the point where I cannot stand it anymore.

@elevatedsoul: Thank you for your kind words. I feel I have very little to live for. My work is interesting but I am just pushing myself each day to keep up with the highly motivated and super smart people. I have kept it up for 10 years, but it is not going to last much longer. They all like me, but that is because I work so hard to keep them from finding out I am stupider than they can imagine. My Mom, I want her to be happy. At this point in my life, I have exactly 0 people in real life that I can talk to. I have 0 interests. I can keep doing what I am doing and probably be OK with it for a (long?) while, but it is doesn't seem worth. I feel tired and lost.

I guess what I am seeing is if there are people like me out there who have essentially had similar experiences. Neither do I have much trauma nor do I have many tangible issues, just a unwillingness to really go on.

[elevatedsoul]

its easy to feel like its our fault... but depression isn't your fault
its a condition that some of us have to unfortunately go through...
i have talked with people that have gotten better though, it CAN happen you know?
we just can't give up, we just have to try to do what we can, do the things we used to enjoy since the depression has stolen all of that away... but still try to do them ya know?
the depression is just trying take everything... gotta fight at it and dont let it take it from us

im not trying to make it sound easy because i know how it is... i tell myself these same things, but i get mad at myself and curse myself out too, we get weak... but we can get strong again... we have good days but we will have bad days too (maybe more bad than good...)

i think you do not give yourself enough credit for the things that you have accomplished

you are good at your job, you work hard, you do well with the colleagues... they like you even right?
thats all good things... we have to think of the good things, try to tell the bad things they can't win and replace a bad thought with a good thought... or try to when you can...

i know it sucks... i hate sitting here and sound like im "preaching"...
just want you to feel better

maybe try doing something new, something you haven't done before... something exhilarating ?

have you asked your colleagues to hang out after work?

[ashtrash]

@elevatedsoul: Thank you for your note. I see what you are saying, but I feel I have accepted that I have failed. I am not sure I have much positive to say.

I did try a few things - I joined a fitness class and the people there are super awesome. They even find my witty and I realize that I can be funny if I want to be, but all in all, it is just another thing in my life. I watch football as well (Go Patriots) and like that to some extent. I can amuse myself for a little while with all this, but this is not sustainable.

I do not know really what I am looking for anymore, it is just all outcomes in all cases will not really help me be happy. I do not know what it means to be happy really. A little lost.

[basicgoodness]

I can relate to feeling lost and not keeping up at work. I am 30 years older than you, so I am looking at retirement and being done with the working world. I am used up and washed up. You are single and childless, so can you take a year off and travel around the world? That's what I'd like to do. I hope you find something that inspires you.