Talk me down

I'm drunk, but in vino veritas. My wife wants nothing to do with me. We're amiable roommates occupying the same house in order to maintain a facade of normalcy.

We have not have sex in 12 years. She doesn't acknowledge this is a problem. She never - *ever* - initiates so much as a hug. When I try to kiss her she averts her face, and I end up kissing her cheek.

I have the impression she is disgusted with me and no longer respects me as a husband and father. I can't honestly say I blame her. I would be disgusted with me too.

I have a son who has a form of autism. I don't think he would ever be able to process my leaving this world. One of my daughters doesn't want to have anything to do with me. She won't talk to me any more. The other cares but I think she would be able to manage if I weren't here. She is very strong an I think she'll do well in any case. To the extent I've had any influence I think it has been good. I've tried to inculcate in both my girls - be strong, be independent, accept no bullsh*t from any man no matter what.

I feel like I've done the best I can ever do in this world, and it's all downhill from here. But I've fought this as hard as I can for as long as I can. There are a certain percentage of us with treatment resistant depression for whom there is no help, no cure. It's just math. I'm among those who have that diagnosis.

I don't know why I'm posting. I don't think any of y'all have any sort of special insight. It's just that I'm about to give up and I think there are many of you who would understand. You're the only people I have left to talk to.

I'm sorry for your problems. I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if my wife treated me that way. I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't. I suffer from wanting to kill myself, & feel like such a hypocrite telling other people not to do it so I've stopped saying that. In the end I guess I'm not really the best person to help you but I'm willing to listen.

I'm not going to pretend that I know how you feel and I sure as hell won't tell you that everything gets better, I used to, but the fact is that I don't know if it will. I can hope that you'll get through this and feel joy again some time in your life but that's about it.
From all of that, what I heard; your son is very attached to you. Probably looks up to you in ways that only he understands. A daughter who's strong will still crumble from losing her parent, that can't be helped. A daughter who no longer speaks to her father (I'm pretty much that one), still loves him so much but can't get passed something. I crave that oppertunity so much and I still have it available. I've recently made small efforts to get there. We don't have anything more than small talk but after everything that happened, I still want a relationship with my dad. I still feel like a part of me needs him. When it comes to your wife, honestly, I can't figure that out; it honestly upsets me that someone who's your partner in life refuses to be even slightly intimate. There are people who still care for you and kids, especially your son (from what I gather). That's something. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I know it's online and not 100% human interaction, which is what us humans desperately rely on to survive, but it's something.
I can't tell you not to give up. Only you can decide for yourself if that's your chosen path. It's up to no one else. Just don't leave this world thinking that you don't have any positive impact on anyone's life. Trust me, even the most vile people have at least one positive impact on someone. Don't leave thinking that no one will miss you, that no one loves you. I didn't say this to try and sway you in any way. I said this so that if you do go, maybe you can with some peace or if you stay, maybe you can keep that in mind to keep you going. Either one depending on how you look at it.

This sounds terrible! And you sound like an extremely caring father.
I don't know where I got this impression because my mother never talked about sex with me but I always thought it was my duty to "satisfy" my husband when he asked. Not touching when you are married is not acceptable! I think it may be contributing more than you realize to your depression. I think I read somewhere that the chemical oxytocin is released when we touch one another and it is a "feel good" chemical. A chemical that depressed people really need. Even if a partner should not be forced to have sex then they should at least be able to hug you. Depressed people blame themselves way to much. You have a right to be upset about her behavior. When she averts her face, she must be thinking something about you while she is doing it. You have a right to know what it is that is causing her to act this way. Can you afford to go to a marriage counselor?
Do your daughters still live at home? If they are young, then if you and your wife can improve your relationship, then it will also have a good impact of the relationship with your children.
And I know from experience, that if I am drinking because I am depressed, I don't respond to people in a fashion that would make them look up to me. Alcohol is only good to drink when you are happy and celebrating. Can you give it up until things improve?
I know all this is easier to say than do. I feel bad talking this way because I am in a better place than I used to be but for about 5 years (while I was seriously depressed) I would drink more than I should after work when I was preparing dinner. For me, the alcohol deepened my depression. It is a depressant.
Everything you describe sounds heart-wrenching! I hope things get better. Sincerely, Myst

PS I do hope you are feeling a little better this morning. I know you are dealing with something that you cannot make go away easily. Give that you and your wife have been in a not great place for 12 years, it might take 12 more to improve the marriage and/or your depression. When spouses do not get along it is deeply affecting. For example, if my husband responds to me in an "irratable" way, I sometimes get a "heartbroken" feeling. Seeing a therapist is helping me with that. Please do not give up hope. You can make your life better and your children need you!

I'm sorry that you're going through this... but please, don't give up. You deserve a better life.

Sorry that you're going through a hard time.

I had done so in 2014. In 2015 I reverted to drinking beer (I almost never drink hard liquor, so at least there's that). Jan 1 of this year I went cold turkey again, and remained so until 3 or 4 weeks ago. It's self-medication pure and simple, a way to make my mind stop ruminating for a few hours. I'd prefer pot but that would be a Great Big Giant Problem.

I'm beyond fed up with the admonitions - sometimes outright lectures, wholly unprompted. (That definitely isn't what you're doing. You live in Happy Funtimes Prison too, and know wherefrom you speak.) Anyway - yes, I know it's a depressant. Yes, I know it merely compounds the problems I already have. YES, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T.

So yeah, cool, I get it. But really, do people think they're bestowing pearls of wisdom that have never occurred to me? Do they think I haven't spent a thousand hours more than they reading, talking, pondering, hoping, to no effect? Do they have any idea what it's like to wrestle with suicidal thoughts every day for years?

Of course not. How could they? It would be like me trying to know what it feels like to suffer from, say, schizophrenia or heroin addiction.

I listen nonetheless. There is always the possibility that someone will mention something I hadn't thought of. And I appreciate that people care enough to help. Everybody wants to help, right? It isn't their fault that their attempts to help aren't helpful. They can't read my mind or know just how long and hard a struggle this is.I know they mean well.

It isn't their fault that it often feels like Monday morning quarterbacking, and that I often clam up in response. It's just that I sometimes simply cannot bear the useless if well-meaning advice. (And of course my clamming up comes across as standoffish. Now I'm distant. Why won't I talk? Everyone knows it's healthy, etc. Yay, more unsolicited unhelpful advice.)

I might be saying something you already know but the fact will always remain: You are the expert of your life. No one knows detail to detail of what you're going through.